Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Holy shit. Lmao.

Firstly. This is an anonymous forum. Thank god for this place. It's been my haven as I navigate through a messy divorce. Very few people in RL know (or need to know) what I am going through. So in the case of the OP, I'm so glad that she has a place to vent and come and get support. It sounds like a horrendous situation.

Who gives a rats ass if the man involved in this is a freaking Saint in every other area of his life???? I certainly don't. I'm sure he also potentially has his side of a story to tell and maybe he is on some forum telling it and getting support from posters there......
But on mnet and based on all the OP has said? He's a total fucking wanker. He's a lying deceitful piece of shit. Who has taken some fucked up type of kick out of screwing someone right under his OH eyes for 14 YEARS!!!!!! It's totally and utterly revolting. Deceit of this level runs so deep that the OP will be wondering which part of her life was real and which part wasn't. Its nauseating and her world will be upside down for a while.

So yes. He's pond scum in my eyesand my feet are firmly on planet earth!

Are you op mil nananina? Impressively crap advice, next it will be her fault for working and not worshipping her husband as is his right!

I thought the OW or ex, toasty!

Obviously fudging the age if so lol

Nana I have spoken to my mum who is 78 years old about the Op's thread and she said "he's a C.U.N.T of the highest order". By the way she rarely swears and shocked me to hear her use that word .

NanaNina - It's not the OPs fault her relationship is ending. The deceit and disrespect involved in cheating on your partner for over a decade is simply staggering. And have you noticed that he hasn't even apologized to her? If that is the 'old' attitude to relationships, you can keep it. I'm glad women value themselves more now. And yes, it is a shame that so many children have broken families, but in this case there is only one person to blame for that. The person who has been sticking his dick in his 'friend' for the entirety of his relationship with his child's mother.

Well nanna it was me that called the OW a slapper and advised to put his clothing in used bin liners.

Are we reading the same thread?

He has been sleeping with the OW throughout the OP's relationship, she has had to endure watching them fawn over each other and behave inappropriately in this time at the dinners, when the OP said she felt uncomfortable, she was told she was crazy.......

Since DP has admitted to this, he has expected her to fight for their relationship and that this has upset the OW......no concern for the OP.

nanna Get. A. Grip.

NanaNina - please don't pull the age card. My mum's 82 and she wouldn't put up with this kind of shit any more than I would. It's got nothing to do with age and everything to do with having a bit of self-respect.

My dad's parents were deeply unhappy together. They got married because she was pregnant and had 50 utterly fucking miserable years together. Their misery leaked all over their children who had a grim childhood with two parents who pretty much despised one another. If you think that's a better outcome for the OP's DS, then I feel terribly sorry for you.

I have been with my DH for 49 years, and I take no shit from anyone, least of all from the man who says he loves me. Nana you're wrong.

I've only just seen this, and I really hope that you have a peaceful weekend away.

I can honestly say that I would never cheat on my dh (not have I), and I have chosen my dh for his similar views about fidelity. If I were to find he had cheated, I would not be his dw anymore. For the simple reason that he would not be the man I agreed to marry.

I think children benefit from seeing a parent stand by their principles and insist on being treated well.

There are good men out there. He isn't one.

We do know all about this man. What he has done says everything about him there is to know.

Binder, i hope you're having a relaxing break and the house is empty when you get back. I'm wondering if you could manage stringing him along with talk of you needing space to get your head straight. He would be lulled into thinking things are negotiable which would give you a window to get the nuts and bolts sorted and stapled down - bcs once he finds out you're serious and it's over he will probably turn nasty. All the better if you're safely on dry land when that happens and he is presented with a fait accompli. It would significantly reduce open conflict and prolonged wrangling - bad for you but esp bad for ds.

What I can't get over is how he genuinely thought he was withholding marriage from you. So there he was, running his little kingdom of committed partner, mother to his child, with secret mistress he, and she, got off on parading before their unsuspecting partners. He must have been sniggering behind his hand he'd got it all rigged up, running smoothly. I genuinely don't know if there was a point he felt uncomfortable about what he was doing but imo this man is a woman-hater.

So the gaff is blown and the first thing he says is how dare you look through my private secret fantasy that belongs to me and I deserve stuff. Then he regroups and is prepared to concede his king: alright then, I'll marry you. Because of course you must have been desperate for that (in which case he held that off for fourteen years ; as well as withholding a second child).

Binders I really hope you took any sentimental items / all documents out of the house before you left, because there is a good chance he will be going through everything in your absence.

Your situation reminds me of an ex of mine, except I hadn't been with him for very long (thank goodness as it turns out). I found out that he had been having a long-term 'thing' with someone we both knew through the sport we played. She had lived with her boyfriend for about 10 years, yet had been having a 'friend with benefits' thing with the guy I was going out with. His reason for telling me apparently was because she was putting pressure on him to break up with me. There was a shit-storm in the end. He went round for dinner with her & her boyfriend and told him that nothing had ever happened between them and I had made it up (because I was crazy). She then went round the entire sporting fraternity protesting her innocence. I couldn't be arsed with either of them. I left the sport in the end, which I'm sad about, and I really hated her and her faux friendliness for years after that.

That was about 16 years ago. Funnily, I heard she had just had twins in the last year or so. I'm pretty certain their 'thing' is still ongoing. I don't know if her husband suspects or not.

Very Charles & Camilla.

Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong

No, I haven't done anything like this - although I'm defintely not "wonderful" and certainly can't claim never to have made mistakes

I'm also probably far older than many posters, but the thing is this: I've got faults enough already without adding to them with behaviour like this

You're right about keeping it as decent as possible for the children, though ...

Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong

As a 45 year old child of divorced parents, I can categorically state that I have never, EVER, cheated on a partner. I would not inflict the devastation my father did on any other human being. If ever I felt tempted, I did nothing about it, but sat back and examined my relationship. If I found it lacking then I got out.

I cannot imagine lying to someone for 14 years, let alone cheating on them for that length of time. My parents' marriage gave me the perfect example of how not to treat people.

Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong

I have put many many feet wrong.

I have never disrespected a partner, betrayed or hurt them purposefully.

I'm glad I don't live in a world where condemning someone for cheating on their partner and child, lying to them for over a decade, dismissing their concerns as 'ridiculous' and ultimately blaming them for my own shortcomings is considered 'holier than thou' by more people. And heaven help me if I ever dismiss that kind of behaviour as 'putting a foot wrong' rather than a sustained campaign of deceit, disrespect and downright dishonesty let alone subject a child to the kind of damage that causes for a second longer than necessary.
Do you know what damages a child more than 'warring parents'? Seeing one parent consistently treated appallingly by the other and growing up around someone so emotionally incontinent that they accuse the partner they've been cheating on of not loving them enough to fight for them. Allowing a child to grow up thinking that one person should suck up a 14 year affair for the sake of saving a 'relationship' that has been never been prioritised by one of the partners involved in it is a god-awful thing to do, and I would rather my children saw me fighting for what I knew was right than rolling over to preserve a sham of a partnership.

Nana - I see what you are trying to say, but this isn't a sneeky snog with an old friend, or someone who even met someone and started an affair, this is a long term deceitful relationship, that predates the OP's relationship with him. For the entire time they have met and been together, he's been lying to her. Their entire life built together has been done so with the OW in the background. And the OW deserves the insults as not only has she cheated on her own DH, but set out to built a friendship with the OP, knowing the whole time she was having a relationship with her DP.

It's not a story of a man who got swept away, it's a story of a couple for some reason decided not to make a go of a formal, public relationship together, sought out other people to have formal public relationships (and DCs) with, while maintaining their secret relationship thoughout.

Nana are you the OP's MIL?

BUT the total character assassination of this bloke on here from people who know nothing about him, other than he has told lies and been deceitful. Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong.

There's an enormous middle ground between never putting a foot wrong, and consistently and wilfully deceiving the person you are supposed to love for a period of over a decade. Have I been wrong? Yes. I have inadvertently done some things that have hurt people. However, I haven't set out to hurt anyone and I try to be honest, consistent and moral even if I don't always succeed.

Upthread, Bathtime (I think) said "Their dynamic is that they are always there to shag each other/be a listening ear - they can go off and live their lives knowing that they always have this fallback, never risk anything by being in other relationships because they are always holding back. It's like an insurance policy". I was close friends with a man for about 6 years. As the friendship progressed, I realised that emotionally I was in some ways closer to him than his girlfriend was. He split up with her, we stayed close friends, he found another girlfriend. Split up with her, went out with someone else. Split up with her and then we became FWBs. That went on for about 18 months when he met someone he wanted as a girlfriend. He told me not to worry as I would still be the only person he was in daily contact with.

I had several long conversations with him in which I tried to explain how fucked up it was to have a close female friend who had been a FWB, stay in contact with her daily and start a relationship. I'm all for platonic male/female friendships but that wasn't what this was. For him it was close to the dynamic Bathtime describes. I was always going to be there as a fallback and he was never really going to commit to any of his girlfriends. Or, when push came to shove, to me. So I distanced myself from him. I'm far from perfect but I do think I have a bit of an edge over a deceitful, lying cockwomble. When all's said and done, it's a fairly low bar.

Oh I've got quite a fan club I see

Have you lot got nothing better to do on Friday night than tell me what has happened in this situation and why Binder is right in what she is doing. I have read the thread and it seems to me that this is a thread about:
A woman who has discovered that her partner has been having sex with someone behind her back, arranging meals with the OW and her DH a couple of times a year and lying about his relationship with the OW.

Nothing more, nothing less. Happens every day I imagine.

Just to clarify:

I have not said or inferred that Binder should not end her relationship. I have said that I totally get that she is hurt, angry and betrayed.
I have not said or inferred that what happened is in any way Binder's fault.
I have not said or inferred that Binder is going to involve her son inappropriately in the breakup of the relationship
I have not said or inferred that children who grow up in blended families can't have happy childhoods.

I've probably missed some of your accusations/assumptions but it matters not.

I absolutely understand that Binder is ending her relationship, especially given her past experiences.
I am not condoning the partner or the OW - I am simply saying that I am amazed at the strength of feeling against this man and the assumptions and insults that have been made.

I have been involved with Women's Aid for many years and try on MN to help women who are suffering domestic violence, to help them understand what is happening and why they should get away from the perpetrator, especially where children are involved.

Springydaffs do you remember me from FreeSpirited thread? I was part of a very supportive group of women for that OP.

Someone has said I have lectured them - I was simply trying to point out the law that exists and how it is not as easy as some of you seem to think to demand a partner leaves the house if it is in their joint names. My comments about not involving children were based on my experience of my work in this area and were not specifically related to Binder

Binder I hope you find the emotional strength to see you through the next weeks and months. You have had a horrible shock and you must be feeling a whole range of emotions. I know you have RL support which you will need. I wish you well.

Signing off.............................

Oh come on, all you've done on this thread is bang on about rising divorce rates, how infidelity is so common it shouldn't be a big deal and 'reminders' that children shouldn't be used as a weapon despite there being no indication the op is doing that.

No support for the op, no condemnation of his behaviour, just judgy snugging about how terrible divorce is...

Don't come back being all holier than thou about how your points were general on a thread where someone is going through a very new and very difficult betrayal...

Have you lot got nothing better to do on Friday night

[Shrugs] You're here too.

Surprised at the vitriol hurled at Nina Nana - I must confess I was waiting, having followed this thread from the beginning, for the pitchforks and flaming torches to be handed out.

Let's be clear - this man has behaved very badly, and the OP must be feeling hurt and humiliated. The relationship is over.

However, no-one has died. Or been seriously hurt. Speaking from experience, we recover (eventually) from these horrible events. In the meantime, the best thing to do (apart from drinking lots of wine and shrieking abuse at the television) is to remain dignified, if only for the sake of the DC, and split as amicably as possible. There are no grounds for the OP to exclude DP from his own home (assuming he has a right to live there) and talk of throwing his belonings out in bin liners is just Jeremy Kyle.

Worse things have happened. None of which is intended to underestimate the OP's pain. I know how you feel. It will get better. But not through revenge. You are better than that.

This thread IMO has not involved much pitch forking compared to many affair threads I've seen. The pitchforking usually makes me uncomfortable.

Working out why someone has treated you awfully is usually very important in the first stages of moving on. Being jusitifiably angry is too. Neither of those normal human grieving processes undermines your ability to make rational decisions about how to behave.

Pretending you are not angry and hurt and keeping your feelings in is not healthy. As with everything it's about having a healthy grasp of where it is appropriate to have what feelings.

Nana seems to have come to the conclusion that calling someone a prick on MN in these circs means there may be a developing child welfare issue...

NanaNina, this thread was started by a woman who has had the rug of the last FOURTEEN YEARS of her life pulled from under her. She has a child, a job and a home to sort out, now she's decided not to be a third in her most important relationship.

This thread isn't about you forgiving your husband, nor is it about you gaining MN notoriety.

Now might be a good time to stop.

No vitriol, it's just what I'd say to a good friend with a bee in her bonnet.