Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Binders you're an inspiration. He's a prick.

I hope you're able to have a lovely weekend break with DS and I hope the bastard is out of your house by the time you get back.

Sorry if I'm late!
There he is on his park bench in a pile of stinking poo waving a wedding ring.

Hope you're weekend is OK Blinders

Have a good weekend.

I hope he is gone by tomorrow.

Hope you have a healing and restorative weekend Binders. And that your house is empty when you get home.

Your not you're. It's autocorrect on the bloody iPhone

Have a good weekend with your friend and DC. (diluted with lemonade) and

Did you mean stay PUT rather than out there, TooSaasy?

HellKitty :o

I simply cannot believe the amount of vitriol that has been dished out on this thread. I am aged 71 and so meant to be "behind the times" but I wonder whether you much younger women are actually on planet Earth. You must know that 42% of marriages end in divorce - I don't know what % of those breakdowns are related to "infidelity" but I would guess it is a very high number.

OK this bloke has transgressed and hurt his partner and I understand Binder that you are hurt and angry and feel betrayed - I totally get that. BUT the total character assassination of this bloke on here from people who know nothing about him, other than he has told lies and been deceitful. Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong.

As for the comments about the OW (slapper and slag) I'm surprised you aren't suggesting she's ducked in the village pond as in the middle ages, or stoned to death as in Sharia law.

Also the comments about "throwing him out" - "putting his things in a bin liner" - "changing the locks" etc. If this property where the OP and the P live is in joint names then he has a perfect right to occupy it, and the OP has no right to tell him to get out. Housing law is not governed by the behaviour of people who occupy the property. I don't know if this is a private rent, HA, or owner occupier. If the former, they will need to decide who is going to stay in the property and be responsible for the rent, and the other must find another property to rent. If there is a mortgage, then they need to get the property valued, get some financial advice, and see if it's feasible for one or the other to "buy the other partner out" - and if not, then the property will have to be sold and the equity split between them.

The really worrying thing in all this is the child. All children in this situation suffer to a greater or lesser extent, and there are many thousands of them, given the high number of divorces, and incidentally 2nd marriages break down quicker than 1st marriages, so there are lots of "blended" families. There is only one way to lessen the impact on the child and that is for both parents to pledge not to undermine / blame each other to the child - sadly many parents are not emotionally mature enough to do this and the child is caught in the middle of warring parents, and believe me the emotional turmoil for the child can cause problems for them for very many years, and sometimes throughout their life span.

Binder you and your P will have to decide what arrangements you are going to make for your child (you have equal rights to him) and it is usual for the child to live with one parent and have contact with the other. Sometimes some kind of shared care arrangement can be worked out. I do hope that you can come to some agreement about this without recourse to the family courts, because that can drag on and on and the child is caught in the middle of parents arguing about him. Also judges get very fed up with parents who are trying to score points over each other and are not focussed on what is in the best interests of the child.

Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong

I've done lots of things wrong but lying and cheating on my DH for 14 years? No I haven't.
And your age has very little to do with excusing the frankly terrible advice you dished out up thread.

Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong.

Well Nanna I can say, with absolute honesty, that I've never cheated on my husband with my secret historical fuckbuddy friend, then had us go out and have chummy dinners all together while my he remained completely oblivious to the true nature of our relationship.
Have you?

How on earth do you know we are all much younger? My mum has been reading this with me and she is 50.

I don't necessarily judge people for affairs. I do judge the OP's DP for his appalling behaviour since being found out, and the fact that he has been seeing this woman for years and has willingly brought her into contact with the OP. Do you really think that is excusable or forgiveable?

Lacontessa yes I meant stay put!!!!

God what a typo! Thank you !!! OP please don't move out based on emotion alone.

Nana I'm sure your advice came from a caring place, but thats just not how many of us choose to live any more.

The blame for the break up of this relationship lies entirely on her DP and the OW, not because OP hasn't tried to forgive.

I consider it my duty as a mother to set a fine example to my children, regarding not only how they should treat others, but also with regard to what treatment they should and shouldn't accept from others. For this reason I would never cheat on my DH, likewise I would never forgive him if he cheated.

I was raised in a blended family, my parents split when I was young. It was upsetting at the time, but we all got through it and my childhood was a happy one. I've had a great education, I have a high earning job, I'm married, have two wonderful children and am secure in who I am. Being raised in a blended family is not always bad, just as being raised by two parents together isn't always good. We only get one shot at life, it's too short to waste on people who aren't who you want them to be. OP could spend a lifetime trying to change her DP and lose herself in the process, plus he's unlikely to ever change, he certainly can't take back what he's done. Or, she can accept who he is and walk away knowing he's not the person she thought he was.

I'm not saying everyone should leave a cheating partner, everyone has to make that decision for themselves, but one thing people in OP's position absolutely shouldn't have to endure is anyone putting the blame on them when the relationship breaks down. Her leaving is perfectly valid, she doesn't owe it to her partner to try to forgive, nor does she owe it to her son.

"The total character assassination of this bloke on here from people who know nothing about him, other than he has told lies and been deceitful"

Other than
Yeah, we're so picky these days.

I'm 4fucking8 so positively ancient. And no, I haven't kept a secret man on the side and stuffed my attic full of knob photos. What do I win?

My XH was an arsehole. Did I pack my DCs off with a cheery wave and a 'don't forget to tell the sperm donor that he is a cockwomble. And brush your teeth'? No. They found out for themselves.

I find your advice, Nana, extremely patronising and possibly upsetting. You wouldn't be trying to blame Blinders for any of this would you? He was shagging this woman before they met, during their relationship and probably will afterwards too. Only two people are to blame for this. I haven't called the OW a slag on here but she is. And so is he.

I'm probably closer in age to you Nana than the majority of posters in this thread. You quote that 42% of marriages end in divorce. OP isn't married but I get your point. But just because they do, does that mean that someone should just say "Oh well, la-di-dah, marriage (or relationship) over, what else did I expect? Ho-hum, move on.". You seem to be indicating that OP shouldn't be upset at the breakdown of her relationship because almost half end in a split.

Just because the OH and OW are being vilified on this thread certainly does NOT mean that the OP has any intention of doing so with her child! Quite the reverse as she's made arrangements for him to be elsewhere when she sought support in RL.

And there's nothing wrong with her venting her feelings in this anonymous forum! As far as I am concerned the only thing lower than infidelity is abuse. Either one speaks to someone without character or consideration. Especially in this instance, where the OH thinks the infidelity is 'no big deal' because it's 'only sex'. Good God, it would almost be easier to have a spouse cheat because they 'fell in love'! At least that would be a reason, a bad one, but a reason. But to jeopardize a relationship for a 'meaningless bit of slap and tickle'? I would be so furious, and rightly so.

And OP certainly has a moral right to tell him to get out. And if he had any feelings for her at all he would leave. She is the wronged party, not him. This has nothing to do with the legalities of selling the house. It has everything to do with the guilty party doing the right thing and leaving the innocent party in peace to lick her wounds in her own space.

Nana

binder is entitled to let her feelings out on her and have them validated. It is wrong of you to assume that she would let this affect her child.

As for whether or not those who identify this man's behaviour as abhorrent have done similar things, I would say wholeheartedly NO WE HAVEN'T.

on here

Sister you just made me snort like Peppa Pig

I do not find your advice very good Nana, it implies that if women put up with this kind of bad behaviour then more marriages would work.

Whereas if less people screwed around more marriages would work is the correct fact.

This man is a serial cheat, liar and deceiver.

He has not accepted what he has done and has not and is not putting his family or child first.

Nananina I think it is you that is on a different planet. Have you actually read the thread fully ? What are you expecting the OW to be described as ? An innocent bystander ?
This thread has been full of genuine heart felt support and yours is the only one that stands out as totally off the wall and sounds terribly unsupportive. Just as with every thread on here, we never know the full story i.e we don't get both sides but I'm amazed that you think we are vitriolic

Thanks for the lecture nana.

It's not a character assassination to point out that his behaviour indicates he is insecure and a prick.

You seem to come from the 'keep the marriage together at all costs' school of thought which, I might add, has nothing to do with age or wisdom.

There is a reason things are changing, divorces are increasing etc. it's because we are finding a better way of managing adult relationships than the man being the head of the house with license to behave in any way he likes and a little woman at home hanging on his every word, grateful for whatever crumbs are thrown her way.

If you are upset that women's refusal to be treated like doormats is leading to an increase in divorce perhaps you should look to the root of the problem - male entitlement, rather than blaming women for not accepting "their place".

There are some lovely men around nowadays (as there always were I'm sure) but the culture of privilege and entitlement remains and coupled with male insecurity at their decreasing privileged status (and personally with themselves) this remains a significant problem for heterosexual women and ultimately their children.

I would not have anyone publicly ducked I do think you should call a twat a twat though... T'would be delusional not to tbh and it has no bearing on how responsibly you can behave as a parent because shock women are capable of behaving as rational people who understand that no matter how badly they have been treated by their ex and no matter how much they hate him for that behaviour he is still their DC's dad.

BUT the total character assassination of this bloke on here from people who know nothing about him, other than he has told lies and been deceitful. Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong.

NanaNina- You don't have to know if this man is kind to animals and old folk and gives to charity and blah blah blah.

He has treated the woman who loves him and who is raising his son with him, with utter contempt. He has lied to her for 14 years, kept souvenirs of his fuck buddy, gone on double dates with the OW and her DH, ridiculed his partner for being uncomfortable with it, has no conscience about it, and now blames the OP for not wanting to marry him and for wanting to leave!

Taking the above into account, yes I can say I am holier than thou if holier than thou means not treating my partner like this.

I think it is particularly telling that you have accused binders of not thinking of her DC despite her never mentioning what she plans to do but you have not criticised her XP for immediately using their DC to emotionally blackmail binders into getting back together with him. As far as I can see he is the only one who is conflating relationship conflict with his role as a parent.