Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 16:05

'It shows how irredeemable he is'

You are spot on Offred. I admit, I am strong one minute, a mess the other but every word he speaks and action he takes just keeps making my decision easier and easier.

If he is still there on Sunday, I will leave the house myself.

OP posts:
OhBigHairyBollocks · 09/10/2015 16:06

What an absolute shower of shit he is OP Angry

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:12

It's very sad binders. What a waste of humanity he is.

I doubt OW will dump him, they'll want to get together and talk about how terribly victimised they have been.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:12

And she'll do damage limitation with her husband.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:13

I think men are much more likely to accept cuckolding tbh because they are generally more insecure about relationships...

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 16:13

What the OW tells her DH doesn't really matter though does it? She may well say whatever it takes to keep the status quo as much as she can, hoping that binder's ExP can sort things out with binder or find someone else so he's happy to continue having an affair, without putting demands on her that she picks him now his relationship with binders has ended.

for whatever reason, the OW and binder's exP didn't want their relationship to be the official/main one they both had, perhaps they realised they couldn't live together, aren't suited to the day-to-day of a relationship, it's unlikely she's going to be keen on a newly single binder's exP putting time demands on her.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2015 16:16

Actually you're right - there isn't a hint of sorry anywhere, is there?

The more I think about it the more it seems that he's more upset that the slut OW is upset than the impact it has on you Binders Sad

The fact that he has been gas lighting for years shows exactly what a piece of scum he is.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:19

Don't think he cares OW is upset really either - just thought binders needed to realise what she had 'done' and that seeing how her actions had affected OW might do it... 'Fall into line binders, you are being unreasonable'

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 16:20

offred - but also more realistic about what they stand to lose, woman normally are the primary care givers, so leaving their DP/H usually means leaving just their DH/P - if a man leaves his DW/P, it's more likely he's also taking the decision to no longer live with his DCs and see a lot less of them. A man who's exW is going to be the main carer of the DCs is probably also going ot lose his home as well as the bulk of the time with their DCs, in my experience, men are often prepared to put up with a lot to avoid losing their family.

The OW has young DCs, I wouldn't look down on her DH if he finds out the truth and decides to forgive her/work through it, it's unlikely he would be throwing her out and staying with the DCs without her, more he'd be the one to go.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:21

People that insecure can't care about other people. They don't care about themselves either.

Narp · 09/10/2015 16:21

Offred

You are wise

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:22

I don't look down on him. I just predict that he is not as likely as binders to jib of the betrayer.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:26

Narp Wink

Loads of people are not like this knobend. There is potential for a bright future ahead now, a lovely DC, a happy life and the possibility of a real relationship with someone who actually loves you.

Don't start thinking the problem is with you for attracting a couple of these wankers - they do usually attach themselves to strong capable people and are often really very good at flying under the radar.

miaowroar · 09/10/2015 16:34

"You can't have loved me as much as you said you did because look how cold you are acting now. I can't believe you are just prepared to end it all without fighting for 'us'. How can you do this to our son?!"

W.T.A.F???
I can't believe he said this!
He can't have loved you as much as he said he did because HE HAD AN ON-GOING AFFAIR AND GASLIGHTED YOU!
How he HE do this to your son?
Fighting for "us" - what "us"? - you, him and OW? Because that's who there was in your marriage.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:43

That's the most illuminating thing he has said. It's the one way street of love that deeply insecure people demand. They are entitled to act badly because they are insecure and they are also entitled to love and warmth despite treating other people badly because they are insecure. Their minds do not work in the same way as other people's. The are desperate to fill the hole inside themselves by using other people. An insecure person will demand mammoth efforts to prove love and provide little in the way of care in return because they just don't notice anything other than the hole inside themselves.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:45

Coldness towards an insecure person is deeply hurtful. They tend to court the attentions and affections of even people they say they despise.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:46

Hurtful to them I mean. It's an entirely appropriate and functional response for binders IMO.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/10/2015 16:54

An insecure person will demand mammoth efforts to prove love and provide little in the way of care in return because they just don't notice anything other than the hole inside themselves

Beautifully put

AuldAlliance · 09/10/2015 17:01

binders I have just read your thread.
In the space of a couple of days you have gone from feeling uncomfortable about something to where you are now.
You are handling this amazingly well. I am in awe of your dignity. Hang in there.

Reading your posts, I can't believe that your OH was a complete shit on all levels from the word go. He must have redeeming qualities that made you fall in love with him 14 years ago.

I think that maybe, in order to carry on with what he was doing, your OH must, over the years, have gradually rejigged his moral standards and built a little bubble in which his behaviour, which deep down he knew fine well was totally wrong, was made to appear reasonable.

Your reaction has shattered that bubble, but it'll take a while to hit home because I presume that it took quite a lot of effort and lying to himself to get to the stage where he could think what he did was acceptable.

He's trying to turn the blame on you because that is easier than accepting that his (joint, with OW) narrative is a pack of lies and skewed morals. He's trying to pretend things will work out OK for him because until now his blinkers allowed that to happen.

It's not your job to take him by the hand and rewrite the past 14 years for him, using a proper moral compass and forcing him to see things from your perspective. The desire to do so must be overwhelming. Not doing so may make you feel tainted and ashamed, because it is so plain that his behaviour is unacceptable that you think you should be able to show him that fact easily.

But resetting his morals is not your responsibilty. Your priority now is you and your future with your DS.

Make the most of your weekend away.

MissBattleaxe · 09/10/2015 17:05

He wants you to fight back. He wants you to engage with him. Don't. He'll think he can talk you round once he has your attention.

You're doing the right thing by being cold and and responding with the minimum detached civility. Disengage and stay aloof. Keep doing it.

We are all unanimously backing you up so never doubt yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2015 17:08

I've zipped through the thread and you are being incredibly brave and strong!!

Personally, I'd hold the threat of telling OW's DH over your H's head to get him out of your home by your deadline. I'd almost be tempted to really put the pressure on by texting OW and telling her 'If my DH isn't gone by Sunday noon, my first call will be to your DH'. Let her add to his pressure to leave!

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 17:08

I am leaving for weekend away now with friend and DC's in lakes and know the signal is not good and no free wifi but will update on Monday - when hopefully he will be gone and I will still be living in my own house.

You've been supporting me 24/7 all week and it would have been so much harder without you all. I can't thank you enough, you're support is phenomenal. Thank you my Binder Army!

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 17:09

Have a lovely weekend binders. Flowers

Joysmum · 09/10/2015 17:11

Offred you have been superb on this thread. Star

I'm so sorry Binders but I'm so glad you're not wasting a moment with this disgusting excuse for a man. Angry

TooSaasy · 09/10/2015 17:11

Binders. What a roller coaster.
Wow. He really is a piece of work.

There were some questions further up thread.

Don't change the locks. You can spend the money changing them and he can quite easily change them on you/ request a key. Unfortunately when it comes to the issue of access to the joint property, his behaviour (unless there is a real risk of harm to you/ your DC's) doesn't prevent him from accessing the house.
Morals (or lack of) don't play a part.

Secondly. If you get back and he hasn't left, please get legal advice before you move out with your DC. When it appeared that my STBXH may try and come back to our house, my lawyer strongly advised me to stay out with my DC's as their stability was paramount.

I hope your negotiation tactic works, that's a great way to get him to leave.

On a side note, do you have any joint accounts to which there is an overdraft facility? If you do and you don't need it, call the bank and shut the overdraft down ASAP. Ensure anywhere you have financial exposure is locked down

Swipe left for the next trending thread