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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
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LyndaNotLinda · 09/10/2015 13:44

I bet she's giving him enormous amounts of grief too. She must be bricking it that her whole house of cards is going to fall down just as his has.

They've constructed their own little make believe world haven't they? They're the star-crossed lovers who've got something that you little people don't understand. And what they have is too special to be tarnished by the mundanity of day to day shitty nappies and mortgage repayments. Those are for their other relationships. They get to have those boring relationships that everyone else has and their super-speziale time too.

0dfod · 09/10/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:49

I am fortunate timing wise that I am away for the weekend with my DS (with friend and her DC's) - leaving tonight. As recommended upthread, I have now told OH that if he leaves the house and is gone by lunchtime Sunday for a couple of weeks to give me some space/time to think, I will not tell OW's DH. (For now....)

I still agree that her DH should know but I still think it should be her that tells him. (He might call me to discuss). If I find out it's some concocted story about how they were college lovers and I've kicked OH out because he's still in touch with her, I will set him straight immediately - but I don't think he would honestly believe that was all there was to it. If he's prepared to stay with her after that - then good luck to him. She is disgusting and so is my OH - they deserve each other.

It really wouldn't surprise me if they went for a quickie during our get together's to raise the adrenalin rush that their husband/partner were only feet away when they disappeared to toilet/bar etc! Just because they could.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 13:51

It's more likely they are just half people with huge emotional holes inside them which they fill by using other people including each other.

As bath said up thread it's about never having to be vulnerable, about making your world safe and not having to take emotional risks.

People like this usually want their steady partner to be a strong, capable, loving and stable person because they are better for emotionally leaching off. They have another insecure person as the bit on the side because they are likely to lack self respect and have similar motivations.

I doubt it was ever about star crossed lovers. I think he is correct that she meant nothing to him because people don't mean anything to people like him. He probably means nothing to her too. He's distressed now because the whole thing was set up to help him pretend to be a whole human being. Without the set up he is frightened he won't be able to function and angry with binders that she is abandoning him so 'cruelly'.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:54

If he doesn't want to explain to friends and family why he needs a spare bed or he doesn't want to pay for a B&B or sleep in his car. Then I suggest OW pays out for a hotel for him to stay in. She then has two weeks to cheat on her DH with use of the hotel too! Happy Days!

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 13:55

Ha! Indeed...

SuckingEggs · 09/10/2015 14:12

Binders, I've rtft and I can barely believe the man. What a shower of shit. You're handling this so, so well.

Just be sure you have any evidence safe while you're away this weekend, as I'm sure it'll be destroyed and ow might get away with telling her husband that it was history and that you're crazy. I wouldn't put anything past them; they're desperate.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/10/2015 14:34

I have now told OH that if he leaves the house ... for a couple of weeks to give me some space/time to think, I will not tell OW's DH

Could I ask what his reaction was, binders?

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 14:55

Puzzled - Your name is quite apt because his reaction??? - he said "Look why don't we go away next weekend, just you and me. I'll book something. We can ask your mum and dad to look after (son), and we can talk things through".

His deadline has been cut to tomorrow lunchtime. I don't care, as long as he is gone for when I get back on Sunday afternoon and his key posted through the letterbox.

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 09/10/2015 15:00

i wouldn't give her the chance to tell her husband herself, no doubt she will spin him a story where she's the innocent, injured 'by association' party. I don't think he'll ring you to 'discuss' it - not when she's made out to him that you're a mad cow who is using her as an excuse to get rid of her husband. That's what she will say to him - i know her type.

i'd just ring her husband up tonight and tell him the whole sordid story, including when they last slept together and offer to show him the photos.

RivieraKid · 09/10/2015 15:16

Agree with Dontmindme1 she will cling on to the safety of her marriage by telling her DH anything she can think of to make you the guilty one. Don't give her the chance.

Eva50 · 09/10/2015 15:17

I wouldn't say anything to her husband at the moment. If you tell him then that's it, he knows. At the moment she is shitting bricks and the longer it goes with no one saying anything the harder it will be. You hold all the power.

pictish · 09/10/2015 15:26

he said "Look why don't we go away next weekend, just you and me. I'll book something. We can ask your mum and dad to look after (son), and we can talk things through".

He is utterly deluded.

Shockers · 09/10/2015 15:32

I would also remind him that you aren't 'doing' anything to your son, because you haven't shagged someone who isn't his parent, since he's been alive.

I can't believe how spectacularly arrogant he is, suggesting that you should go away with him. I think he will get nasty when it sinks in that you mean business.

Offred · 09/10/2015 15:36

It's not about power. It's about moving on.

Whether her husband chooses to believe the level of deceit his wife has subjected him to or not he should be told. I agree it is her who owes him the truth, I agree she probably won't tell him the real truth and will try to blame you if given the chance. That's not really your concern.

If she doesn't tell him the proper truth then you could if you wish binders but how he reacts and who he believes is not your responsibility.

I'd feel a moral duty to ensure he was made aware because I wouldn't like to think I was choosing to remain part of their secret but what he does with the info is down to him.

It's their mess. They need to sort it out in the main.

Offred · 09/10/2015 15:37

And yes, he'll get nastier IMO. Purely because his reaction shows that he doesn't feel sorry, he feels he hasn't done anything wrong and binders needs to be brought into line.

pictish · 09/10/2015 15:38

The sheer audacity of him turning this straight back on you as being your doing!
"You can't have loved me as much as you said you did because look how cold you are acting now. I can't believe you are just prepared to end it all without fighting for 'us'. How can you do this to our son?!"
Nice try Wandering Dick...but no cigar today.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2015 15:39

Holy fuck Shock Sad

I last lurked on this thread on Wednesday and have just caught up. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this Thanks

Keep posting - it's a phenomenal source of ongoing support.

This has probably been suggested already, and I don't know how it works with cohabiting as opposed to marriage, but get all your documents together (bank statements, passports, utility bills, birth certificates, wage slips - everything) and keep them safe. They may not be of use later on with solicitors/CSA etc but they might be and you need to be prepared.

Wish there was something I could do to help x

Offred · 09/10/2015 15:41

That's a perfectly rational position to take IF you are a delusional prick who actually believes they haven't done something utterly indefensible and unforgivable.... It shows how irredeemable he is, which IMO is a favour to binders. This would be so much harder if he wasn't such an obviously entitled wanker.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2015 15:41

Agree Offred - he isn't sorry, he's just sorry he's been found out

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/10/2015 15:42

His deadline has been cut to tomorrow lunchtime

Once again, a very wise thing to do Smile

I find it stunning that he honestly expects you to roll over for everyone's convenience, not just his; the implication that OW's upset might concern you is just jaw-dropping. Personally I'm with the idea of telling her OH if he doesn't do it before then; sooner or later this all has to come out and you might as well tell the honest truth while you still can

Phoenix0x0 · 09/10/2015 15:44

Shock Angry

This tosser, know no bounds......

What if he is not gone by the time you return home over this weekend....as the more you write the less it sounds like he will go? Sorry.

I would tell the DH of that thing......

Offred · 09/10/2015 15:45

I doubt he's even sorry he's been found out, just frustrated that he's not in control and angry that binders isn't just rolling over and accepting 'the truth' that this is not important.

It's the 'of course I couldn't tell her cos she's so irrational - look how she is reacting now!' Justification script...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/10/2015 15:58

Once again offred nails it ...

An issue which worries me is what will happen when this twat realises he's not going to get his own way. IME controllers tend to react badly to that, and since he's already so convinced you're being unreasonable I'm concerned that he could use that excuse to justify much worse

Whatevva · 09/10/2015 16:02

Another possibility is the OW, seeing the shit hitting the fan, dumps him in order to shore up her own marriage and kids. Then he is stuck.