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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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SurlyValentine · 09/10/2015 12:27

He is an utter steaming heap of shit. I'm absolutely raging for you binders1 Flowers

You are acting cold precisely because you loved him so much so it's a self-preservation thing. You are in shock and he isn't allowing you time to get your head straight. I would be asking him exactly how much fighting for "us" he was doing and how much consideration he was giving your son when he was shagging the OW. The utter twatwaffle.

You have so much dignity it's unbelievable. Please stay strong.

Lacoba66 · 09/10/2015 12:31

Why oh why, do the wankers always use the 'you didn't/don't love me enough' shite!

Translation: 'why won't you forgive me for any shit that I throw at you'?

So far he has;

  1. Minimised
  2. Pleaded
  3. Been defensive
  4. Tried to guilt trip you

What crap will come next....

Offred · 09/10/2015 12:31

There is no point asking him to be a human being IMO.

His priority has always been with the OW, just the OP didn't know. He's acting this way because nothing in his life has actually changed - he has justified all these things to himself for decades and made decisions about things taking them into account. It has been going on for the entire relationship, so for him his relationship with the op has always been a relationship in relation to the OW.

He doesn't understand that binders has not been party to his reality at any point until now. He is extremely selfish IMO. It is useless trying to convince him he has done anything wrong IMO because he's always lived this way.

Offred · 09/10/2015 12:33

He felt and feels as though he has the right to decide binders feelings on the matter. There will be no getting through to him only getting away from him IMO.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 12:33

He's panicking because he's lost control of the situation, he's had total control for years, and you just played your role. And now you know, you aren't even playing your 'role' of being angry and being prepared to fight for him, he's "chosen you" but suddenly that doesn't matter because you've not accepted he gets to chose. He suddenly has realised the point when he got to chose which woman he was with and which relationship meant more was back when your relationship with him got serious.

Have you told OW's DH yet? I would go with the very sensible suggestion earlier on about how you could calmly tell him. Until you do, OW is going to be disparate to talk to you and try to convince you that being cheated on shouldn't matter to you because it didn't matter to them.

ToTheGups · 09/10/2015 12:36

Oh crossed posted. I agree with telling him to move out or you will tell her dh. And then tell him anyway once he has gone xx

Phoenix0x0 · 09/10/2015 12:41

I completely agree with you dinosaur

binders after those messages I wouldn't be able to control my inner rage....I'd be putting chucking his clothing etc into bin liners used bin liners and put throw them outside.

I would also ask to meet OW....can you guess what I'd do to her? Grin....but I'm immature and probably slightly crazy...

BathtimeFunkster · 09/10/2015 12:42

Spot on, Dinosaurs.

He does not like binders stepping out of the role he had assigned for her.

whatlifestylechoice · 09/10/2015 12:52

I'm actually flabbergasted at what an unbelievable cunt he is.

You poor, poor thing binders. I hope you manage to get away from this selfish shitbag asap.

Thefuckinggrinch · 09/10/2015 12:53

She was a good friend and over the years they stayed in touch in and inbetween relationships when single they slept together occasionally

Even this is bullshit as they've been sleeping together whilst he is in a very long term relationship and she is married! So sorry to hear about this binders. You are going to be fine. Stick to your guns, get some advice and don't worry about anything except you and your DS.

People like these two are also the reason so many women fear letting their partners go out with platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Stay strong. Binder Army are behind you!

Schtumped · 09/10/2015 12:56

Wait - he doesn't want to pay for a hotel room??

Uhh... Where exactly was he shagging the OW? Presumably someone paid for a hotel room then?

Binders I am full of admiration about how you're handling this, you come across as so strong. Can't believe he has offered to cut all contact, yet she is the first person he has run to and shared with. They both leave me Shock

RivieraKid · 09/10/2015 12:58

If he can walk away from her, you could build bridges.

Sure, who doesn't want to build bridges with a man who cheated, lied, gaslighted, and is now claiming to be the injured party.

I mean, what a catch right?

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:12

SurlyValentine - I smiled when I imagined a cartoon image type of steaming shit with flies and my OH heads sticking out on top. Fancy another drawing HellKitty?

You've told me so much about myself and my relationship after 'knowing me for just a couple of days! You've completely blown me away.

I have learned so much about my relationship through reading these posts which I would never have even understood or contemplated and they now make so much sense to me, particularly when Bathtime and many others of you have talked about the primary and secondary relationships between me and the OW. It was always her and then..... there was me.

Some of your posts have made me cry, how can you understand me in a couple of days and after 14 years he doesn't? As I've already mentioned, I was never bothered about getting married, I thought I was in a committed relationship. As many of you have said, I never realised that he wasn't and he thought he was actually deliberately holding back on that and he wasn't committed and is now dangling a carrot of marriage. It was never about that, I never needed that and I still don't.

Gosh this would have cost me a fortune if I had been to see a Counsellor or psychiatrist!

OP posts:
Whatevva · 09/10/2015 13:13

He needs to understand what he has done to walk away properly and I think he will only learn this with the help of a large sledge hammer.

I am not saying she should build bridges, but this needs happen before it is even worth considering.

Offred · 09/10/2015 13:17

Selfish people are incapable of understanding other people. It is likely he is fundamentally insecure which impedes his ability to form relationships with himself and other people. The anger and entitlement goes with deep insecurity.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:18

Oh and I forgot to say thank you my Binder Army!

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:20

Whatevva - Yes a large sledge hammer straight into his head!

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 13:20

It is unlikely he will understand what he has done tbh.

He needs to be made to go away. He won't go away on his own. He is probably finding this confusing because it is not fitting with what is meant to happen - what he decides will happen.

He may progress to feeling that it is unfair and that people have slighted him.

He may profess that he understands and is sorry and has changed at some point but it's not likely to be real, just manipulation because he feels entitled to behave in this way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2015 13:23

He doesn't need to understand anything except that it is OVER. And he has to leave. If he doesn't understand why Binders has chosen to dump him for his behaviour, then he probably needs therapy, tbh - but that's no reason for Binders to sit around waiting for the penny to drop for him, he can do it on his own time!

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/10/2015 13:25

The great Mumsnet hivemind has seen it all, experienced it all, survived it all op - more or less intact too. That's what this place is for.

I think the difference is that if you post here, you will at the very least be believed and your feelings (and their origins) will be considered. It doesn't sound like your OH has done that for you for a long time.

It's actually quite nasty when you think about it: he thought you wanted marriage, but didn't do anything about it as he presumably didn't want it himself. He'd never have proposed if you hadn't caught him - not that you wanted him to, but still.

Do not expect him to become the caring, listening, non-selfish type now.

Offred · 09/10/2015 13:25

The fact is he didn't think he was wrong to behave this way when he started up with binder, he hasn't thought it was wrong to continue it for their whole relationship, he didn't think it was wrong when they had a DC, when they discussed more DC, when he may have been the father of his OW's DC, when the OW got married, when they were going on couples dates, when they were costing up to each other in front of their partners, when his partner asked him directly if anything was going on, when his partner found out the truth, when his partner was hurt, when his partner kicked him out...

Through all that he has not thought what he was doing was wrong.

There is nothing on earth that will convince him it was wrong.

He is a selfish, insecure and entitled little man. Fortunately he does not have to be binder's selfish, insecure and entitled little man anymore.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2015 13:29

Spot on, Offred

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 13:30

Thank you Offred - that sums it up quite nicely.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 09/10/2015 13:31

Binders, I would say to DP -
yes let her come around and explain. Let's invite her and her hubby for dinner tomorrow night. Then you two can play your usual secret games. Then I get play my game of show and tell this time. Then we can all say a big goodbye and you two lovebirds can F* right off

Offred · 09/10/2015 13:43

Would be good if the binder army could all turn up and escort him off the premises...

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