Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Wow. I'm am so so angry on your behalf.

Don't do anything about her DH until you have had some legal advice. Once your STBEX realises it's over I suspect he will get very nasty. All the while you hold the threat over them he may restrict his behaviour.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do admire your dignity I'm not sure I could be so restrained.

Aww, poor them. They must be so worried. Dabs.

Well they can GTF and FO some more when they get there. Christ alive, he has all the sensitivity of a brick.

Yes, if he goes quietly you won't tell - and then tell once he's gone.

*Use your leverage: his main concern has been that her DH not find out, so tell him he needs to leave or you will send him the pictures.

Don't ever send the pictures, though.*

This. This is great advice. I would still tell the husband though (though obviously don't send him the pics).

Oh so she's really really upset!!! Yes at being found out and the thought of her DH finding out!! Are you going to tell him OP? I honestly think he deserves to know. He's bound to find out you have split up from your ex and if your ex does cut contact with this cow (not sure he actually would) her DH is going to wonder why when they have been friends for so long. I actually think it would be really cruel not to tell him.

And by the way, "so die" isn't as nasty as it sounds...it's a response to, "I can't live without you." It sounds impassioned and earnest and everything, but it doesn't mean anything. Of course he would continue to live without you. He has brought this squarely down on his own head. It's not your responsibility to ensure his future happiness now.

If it didn't mean anything then why did they shag only 18months ago?

As someone said upthread.....she is his primary relationship.

His response about how it didn't mean anything makes me think of this:

It is as if they want to retain their relationship (whatever it is - it continues even if there is a lack of sex for a few months or so) and bring you into it.

He needs to let it go and she needs to let it go if you are to stand a chance as a couple. (If you wanted a 3 way relationship, she would still have to tell her husband otherwise you would all be gaslighting him )

If he can walk away from her, you could build bridges. If he hangs onto it in any way, you will just be recreating the same 3-way relationship in a new form. He has to get this if he wants you continue.

As for her being really upset and offering to talk you down meet up with you. Don't even quantify that with a reaction of any sort. It's too preposterous to be validated as a credible course of action.

Well said Louis CK.

He has brought this squarely down on his own head. It's not your responsibility to ensure his future happiness now.

This.

With a good measure of: isn't it interesting that the person whose happiness he is most concerned with at this moment of crisis, when he has hurt you so badly, is his own.

He has so little concern for what you want that he doesn't think it's worth the price of a night in a hotel.

Oh poo - that didn't come out very legibly, but it says: 'When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.' Louis C.K

Jayzus, he seriously thinks that his mistress is in a position to persuade you to stay with him?

Is he insane?

So sorry for what you are going through. Please speak to a lawyer!

With every update he sounds like more of a twat. He hasn't asked how you are, but he tells you how she is?! Why would you care? He doesn't sound like he's wired correctly

Don't tell her husband - yet. That's a useful card to keep hold of.

Moriarty - he doesn't need to ask how I am because he has told me how I am. "You can't have loved me as much as you said you did because look how cold you are acting now. I can't believe you are just prepared to end it all without fighting for 'us'. How can you do this to our son?!

Yes, I am acting cold now - because IT'S OVER!

I am doing nothing to my son and when he is older he will understand.

I would use their panic against them. Tell him to move his stuff out of the house by say lunchtime tomorrow or you will inform her husband and then do it anyway.

He seems to care far more for her feelings than yours.

What is it to fight for?

A lying cheating man. Who would fight for that!?

What about HIS fighting?

I despise the entire concept of "fighting for someone", if you need to do that, it is a lost cause.

Yes, why is he more worried about her?

"You can't have loved me as much as you said you did because look how cold you are acting now. I can't believe you are just prepared to end it all without fighting for 'us'. How can you do this to our son?!"

So no remorse at all.

Unbelievable.

He didn't love you enough to commit to you fully, to put you first in his life, but he is aggrieved that you don't love him enough to put up with him treating you like shit.

He thought you loved him way more than he loved you, and he liked it that way.

He is staggeringly bad.

He did this to your son when he cheated. Make sure you remind him of that.

Sorry you are going through this Binders you are dealing with it all with so much dignity.

Do you rent or have a mortgage?

I would certainly tell her husband. Maybe then his and the old flame can shack up together and he is out of your hair.

How can you do this to our son?!

Much better for your son to be raised in a healthy single parent household than with a father who thinks it's perfectly ok to treat women so disrespectfully. Tell him that.

His behaviour is entirely consistent. He wants his (understanding and rational(!)) confidante OW to talk some sense into you because you just don't understand how he hasn't done anything wrong... You won't listen to him about how you are making a big deal of nothing, maybe you need to be confronted by the consequences of your behaviour on OW and then you'll see sense...

Odious little prick.