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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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pictish · 09/10/2015 10:55

Phew! This is some read.
OP can I just add to the throng saying you are doing the right thing. His deceit is unforgivable, the bond he shares with this woman wholly inappropriate and his sense of entitlement is staggering.
I want to wish you all the strength and luck in the world in getting your life on track without him. x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2015 11:00

The lock-changing thing is weird - if you're physically threatened, they do advise changing the locks for your safety, despite the legal side of it; the other half can then apply through the courts for a key. But if you're not physically threatened it's a bit more tricky.
My sister changed the locks on her house when her DH played away - but he ended up having to be given a key, so it was an awful waste of money. :(

PeopleLieActionsDont · 09/10/2015 11:00

Yes, I would he very tempted to dump all his clothes at her house, while her h was there and explain precisely why I was doing so! They deserve to feel some of the consequences.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 11:01

Baconyum - thank you for your story, it helps hearing how other people have got through it.

STI/STD's - I completely forgot - a few people have mentioned that on here. I would crucify him if he's passed anything onto me!

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 09/10/2015 11:06

I think if you co-own the house you aren't allowed legally to change the locks

If you co-own a house you can do almost anything a single owner can do. You can change the locks. But the other owner can also break the door or Windows or change the locks himself. Possibly best to avoid this route.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2015 11:30

Legally you can change the locks, but you'd have to provide him with access as he has as much right to be there as you. Usually, that'd be by giving him a key. Some people have been successful in getting a key cut but not passing it on and claiming that the other person didn't request entry, but that's risky.

Otherwise, as DrMorbius says above, he could break in, or change the locks himself.

It's better not to change the locks system if you can help it.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 11:33

OH has sent this text...
"I've told X you know about our history".
(Like how he uses the word history, when it's not it's also current!)"
"And she is really really upset"
(Really??!!)
"She wanted to know if I thought you were going to do anything. I've told her that I've told you it doesn't mean anything but you've told me it's over and have told me to leave but that I love you and want to work it out. She did ask if I thought it would do any good her meeting with you, so she can explain and tell you herself it means nothing and not worth throwing it all away but I told her I didn't think so because I don't think you would want to. Please, I love you, I can't live my life without you".

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 09/10/2015 11:33

What a twat! (Excuse language). Stay strong OP. Hope he does the decent thing and moves out and leaves you alone. I fear given his behaviour and the shitty way he's handling it now you know doesn't fill me with too much hope that he knows how to be decent. But the idea of asking him to give you a couple of weeks then keep him out seems a good one.

I mean what does he expect? You to move out with your ds? Or just get over it cos he said so?

I'm angry on your behalf. What a twat!

wannaBe · 09/10/2015 11:33

"Yes, I would he very tempted to dump all his clothes at her house, while her h was there and explain precisely why I was doing so! They deserve to feel some of the consequences." no don't do that. Her h is as innocent in this as the op is, He deserves to know but he doesn't deserve to find out like that. Plus they have children who don't deserve to be subjected to that kind of thing.

In terms of moving out, actually not being married puts you in a better position in terms of being able to do that while still being entitled to your share of the house if/when you sell it - iyswim. So if he refuses to move out then I would be inclined to move out with ds and see a solicitor in terms of getting an order to force the sale of the house.

I know that it feels as if you have less rights as you are cohabiting rather than if you were married, however those less rights also means that you can walk away much quicker. If you jointly own the house is there proof of who paid the deposit, how much each contributed to the mortgage etc? because that will define how much you get back from the sale if you sell it. The alternative would be for one to buy the other out.

You will need to discuss access wrt your ds and maintenance, and there is something else which I am reluctant to mention but which you might want to consider. if there is a chance that the ow's dc are your dp's there is also a chance that he will then be liable for maintenance for those children. It's not something you need to do anything about iyswim, but if you are calculating what maintenance you will be entitled to it might be worth also calculating what he will be liable to pay when her h finds out that his children aren't his and throws the ow out so you can remind him of that fact in passing Wink

thehypocritesoaf · 09/10/2015 11:35

My goodness, he really is an awful man. So much about him/them.

I'd be inclined to let her/them sweat for as long as possible.

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 11:37

Wow, just read your latest update OP.

I would seriously be tempted to tell her husband. I don't use words like slut, slapper etc as I don't like them, but this woman is not a nice person, is she?

BathtimeFunkster · 09/10/2015 11:39

Wow, so it's still all about them, isn't it?

Unbelievable that they both think it's up to them to decide what their fucking each other behind your back means for you.

You're still a bit player in their story.

What an insulting text.

thehypocritesoaf · 09/10/2015 11:41

To paraphrase-

Since you found out about me and her I've been really really worried about her. I don't want to upset her. I told her and she is really upset :( and frightened you will tell her husband. You won't tell, will you darling. Please don't hurt her!! Btw can I come back home?

BramblePie · 09/10/2015 11:41

This is all to cover their a*rses. they don't care about you. She is desperate her husband doesn't find out. Tell him. Tell him now.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 11:42

Oh and he promises to cut all contact with her.

OP posts:
Fontella · 09/10/2015 11:43

Despite my foul mouth both in real life and in print - I am not a fan of the C word.

However, reading that text I think in the case of Mr Binders and his fuck buddy ... it is full justified.

C*s - the pair of them!

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 11:43

oh also I agree that she is not upset on your behalf at all, she is just shitting herself that you will spill the beans to her husband.

SiobhanSharpe · 09/10/2015 11:44

So even though it's 'history' he ran to tell her pretty damn quick! There are obviously still quite strong feelings between them, and they liked the situation the way it was. (and maybe hoped it would continue too, never mind the bleating that it didn't mean anything - it clearly did, as witness her behaviour to your DH when you had your get-togethers)
I do hope you tell your ex that if she does not inform her DH then you will.
I can't even comment on the appalling cheek of her offer to meet you. Jeez.

Baconyum · 09/10/2015 11:44

Good! Sounds like she's shitting herself in case you tell her dh! Actually give her a LONG time to tell her dh. She'll likely out it off and have sleepless nights and stress of her own! No more than she deserves. How about 'I haven't decided if I'll tell her husband, surely it's better if she does'

" She wanted to know if I thought you were going to do anything." = she is terrified you're gonna tell her husband!

"so she can explain and tell you herself it means nothing" = so she can beg you not to tell her husband

" Please, I love you, I can't live my life without you". = its all about me, I'm suffering and want you to make it easier for me. I also don't want to face the financial consequences and social embarrassment/disappointing my family

Rafflesway · 09/10/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lacoba66 · 09/10/2015 11:50

What an utter, utter Arsehole!

I would tell him that if he won't move out and give you the space you have asked for, then you WILL definitely tell her DH! Not saying you should, but it may work to get him out.

As for her- morals of an alley cat springs to mind!

wannaBe · 09/10/2015 11:50

tell her dh. It really is up to you but tbh if you give her the ultimatum that she has to tell him she will tell him they had history years ago and that you've left because you're upset you didn't know. And there will never be an opportunity to tell him the truth. All you will ever know is that the dh knows everything and has decided to stay with her because it's not a big deal. If you want to be in control of what he knows then you need to be the one to tell him.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 11:51

Raffles - nice to hear there are some good one's out there and you've got yourself one. I just seem to have wasted years on cheats!

OP posts:
pictish · 09/10/2015 11:52

"So die." would be my response.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/10/2015 11:52

Of course, Lacoba - that's how you get him out.

Use your leverage: his main concern has been that her DH not find out, so tell him he needs to leave or you will send him the pictures.

Don't ever send the pictures, though.