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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisycloud66 · 07/10/2015 23:49

I am safe yes. Thanks. Have asked him to leave, he has and I have taken his key off of him.
Thinking aloud I need to get some very fast legal advise tomorrow in terms of my rights to do with the house

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 07/10/2015 23:50

Oh good grief, what a shocker.

As Jeremy Kyle says, people often get paranoid about their partners cheating when they cheat themselves. Is that likely?

MakStout · 07/10/2015 23:56

Call women's aid and the police. I would suggest a restraining order might be a good idea, one or the other of the aforementioned should be able to help. Women's aid will definitely be able to advise, and reporting and pressing charges (if you can / if you want) may provide you with evidence of domestic abuse (I'd say this counts big time as domestic abuse) in order to get legal aid.

TurquoiseCat · 07/10/2015 23:57

Jesus fucking Christ daisy.

You have done so well, and kudos to your friend as well. You have all the evidence, the confession and the momentum to get rid as quickly as possible.

Just be aware that after a massive shock like this, at some point you will crash. Try to get as much done as possible before then, and look after yourself. We're all here for you.

shutupanddance · 07/10/2015 23:57

You take care.xx

Squishyeyeballs · 07/10/2015 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCraicDealer · 08/10/2015 00:03

Just read this in a oner.

Whoa.

NHSisfubar · 08/10/2015 00:05

I am glad that he has left and you have his key. Maybe inform the police just in case he does anything weird. Legal advice re house an absolute must. Well done for being so strong under such horrible invasive circumstances

BitOutOfPractice · 08/10/2015 00:28

Daisy you poor woman. What a vile violation

Has he told you WHY?

Please, before you speak to anyone at all, make sure he can't see / read anything. The least you deserve now is the peace of mind of knowing he has stopped so you can get your fucks in a row in private.

I suspect that, given the extent of his obsession, he will have other stuff hidden that he hadn't told you about.

Ohfourfoxache · 08/10/2015 00:44

Jesus fucking Christ Shock

Would it be worth reporting this to the police, just so that its logged in case you need it later on?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/10/2015 01:14

so you can get your fucks in a row in private. oops Grin

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/10/2015 01:18

I would get some advice from the police at the very least.

Has he left his computer behind? Have a good rake about on it to see if there are other files. If he has been videoing the files might be there?

Also you have to wonder what he has been up to to make him so paranoid.

Garrick · 08/10/2015 01:20

Yes, it does sound like an obsession. (I deleted a post earlier, asking if he has OCD that you know of.) Whatever its nature, it has totally overridden normal relationship considerations and has grievously violated your privacy & trust. You must be so shocked. I agree, you're being very strong and very wise ... the shock will catch up at some point, so please make proper use of the adrenalin (and your fantastic friend!)

Make sure you eat, drink, rest and so on.

Clearly it's a very good idea to get a new phone with a new number and a new laptop. Don't tell him the new phone number or let it out of your sight!

Internet activity can be copied through your router. If you know how to alter the settings, do that but it'll be better to replace it. Your provider should send you a new one if you tell them yours is broken/hacked, otherwise you can buy them cheap from ebay and second-hand phone shops. Better still, change provider.

Assume your house is bugged for sound & vision (horrid thought as it is) and that he has your logins for everything. Don't change them from home or using any device he could access!

I'm most impressed by Porcupine's profession - how convenient Grin Hopefully she will advise on simple security measures.

It's got to be important to speak to the police now, and to Women's Aid and/or Rights Of Women. This will be essential for your protection whatever happens next.

Take good care of yourself Flowers

perfumedlife · 08/10/2015 01:29

Wow. That is one sick fucker. Don't let him near you again if you know what's good for you.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/10/2015 01:30

Do you think he has OW? Where did he ho for the night.

If he does have OW that might have triggered his obsessoon that you need to be watched. But also it might keep him out of your hair.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/10/2015 02:03

Good he's admitted it
Get your legal advice then get the hell out of that house as soon as you can. I don't think you can ever be safe there or feel confident you have your privacy.
Did he give any clue why?

sykadelic · 08/10/2015 02:27

Wow. At least he gave you the decency of admitting it.

Did he say why? What started it? Why didn't he stop when he realised how "boring" your life is? What exactly did he think he'd find?

SladeGreen · 08/10/2015 02:36

Oh my god, OP, I was hoping it would all be a simple misunderstanding. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Sad

Canyouforgiveher · 08/10/2015 03:16

This is one of the most bizarre things I have ever read about in a marriage (lots of awful things but this one is just - bizarre). I thought it was going to be a mistake with the phone settings.

OP, you must be in shock. I think you have to presume that every single thing in your house/car/personal belongings is bugged, including stuff he hasn't admitted too. Do you think he has done this to anyone else?

Honestly I think your husband has some fairly serious mental health issues or is, as someone said, one sick fucker.

stolemyusername · 08/10/2015 03:35

Daisy, he might have left physically but how can you be sure he's not still listening in to you? He might as well still be in the same room as you don't know exactly how he is bugging the house, he's probably key logging you on the PC too do can see what you're typing here.

Please don't make any decisions out loud or in cyber space in any place he can see/hear it. IMO you'd be safer taking the DC to a safe place (parents/friend) and leaving your mobile phone behind.

diggerdigsdogs · 08/10/2015 03:53
Shock

It's not often I read threads thinking WTAF Shock

Take care OP. I would strongly advise having a word with the police too. If you make a statement the evidence is officially there if you ever need it.

Canyouforgiveher · 08/10/2015 04:00

*Daisy, he might have left physically but how can you be sure he's not still listening in to you? He might as well still be in the same room as you don't know exactly how he is bugging the house, he's probably key logging you on the PC too do can see what you're typing here.

Please don't make any decisions out loud or in cyber space in any place he can see/hear it. IMO you'd be safer taking the DC to a safe place (parents/friend) and leaving your mobile phone behind.*

I agree with this. Not that you'd be saying anything that could be used against you but you need to get him out of your private space as soon as you can. I would honestly presume he is reading/listening/seeing everything you do unless someone proves otherwise to you.

This is extremely creepy - he has gone so far beyond societal norms, it isn't real. He needs help (not your problem) and you need to protect yourself way beyond the normal "my dh is a dick and we are separating, what should I do". Your husband lacks any boundaries in a very serious way. OP take this very seriously - don't let him minimise.

lunar1 · 08/10/2015 06:10

Go to the police and get yourself out of the house. I don't think you will ever feel safe there. How can you know what he's got hidden.

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2015 06:18

Blimey! Did he say WHY???!!!
Seriously creepy. I'm not surprised he left so readily though because he's probably still listening to your every move!
I'd never be able to trust someone again after a violation like this.
So sorry

Barbie1 · 08/10/2015 06:27

Op I hope you managed some sleep and have enough strength to make some hard decisions today.

Wishing you all the best as you try to sort out this terrible mess.