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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
M0rven · 08/10/2015 09:38

Please do not belive what this man has said about it not being illegal . The interception and receding of telephone calls, emails and texts is covered by all the following acts - you need legal advice ASAP.

Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 ("RIPA")
Telecommunications (Lawful Business Practice)(Interception of Communications) Regulations 2000 ("LBP Regulations")
Data Protection Act 1998
Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999
Human Rights Act 1998

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/10/2015 09:39

OP - I deal with this type of software in a professional capacity.

I can think of three programs around £150 a year, which would allow him to do what he's doing. Unfortunately, I don't think he's admitted the full extent of this to you yet - he hasn't described some key features and from what he's said and done so far, I don't think he's the type to have deactivated them.

More importantly, though, is that they have a "fake" delete set up, which is for use if you're "caught" by who you are surveilling. Essentially, it looks like it removes everything, but really the apps just regenerate. In your case, it's unlikely to show as "radio" now, it'll probably show as an Android system file. This is more secretive, because most people don't have a working knowledge of which files are real and which are not, but it's usually the back-up option because there is a higher risk of the OS being destroyed if DH tries to delete it and picks the wrong file.

It is very, very likely that he can see everything that you are doing digitally, via your phone, laptop and iPad. He will still be able to record your home, your calls, your images, your life. He has calmly left because he can still know every movement that you make. I'm going to hazard that he's probably tracking your car, too.

You could test this, of course, by setting him up. Park at a male friend's house, take a photo of someone that looks dodgy, send a suspicious text. It's likely that he'd be on too high alert to confront you though, as it'd reveal that he's still surveilling, so he'd probably just increase surveillance in all honesty.

What you do about your marriage is up to you - and you'll need to get legal advice - but please don't trust him on this. He's been spying on you without saying a word, and ensuring that he carries out the tasks necessary to keep it legal, for TWO YEARS. Listening to every conversation you have. He has stripped you of all privacy. He knows everything that you have told your friends, everything your friends have told you... everyone you've spoken too.

You might have nothing to hide, but he did. This is an obsession for him. He believes that he has so much power and ownership of you that he can track every movement and conversation that you have. Be very, very careful.

My extensive professional opinion would be that men like this don't change, they can't. They may pause activities but they start it again as quickly as possible, but more covertly, and tracking more things to see what you were trying to hide. I've never heard anyone in this field testify in any other way. They all act sad and upset that they've been caught, embarrassed, they try to justify it and claim it got out of hand and it was never real. It is. He paid to track you, he checked out the legalities, he hid it from you.

Someone who can keep such a huge scheme secret for two years - never slipping up and revealing that he knows something you haven't told him - cannot be trusted. Ever. You cannot rehabilitate him.

ConesOfDunshire · 08/10/2015 09:44

Great post from Anchor.

wannaBe · 08/10/2015 09:45

"Someone who can keep such a huge scheme secret for two years - never slipping up and revealing that he knows something you haven't told him - cannot be trusted. Ever. You cannot rehabilitate him." this

MagicDucky · 08/10/2015 09:47

Anchor is spot on OP please please please be very careful.

diggerdigsdogs · 08/10/2015 09:48

YY to Anchor

DaddyPigIsMyParentingGuru · 08/10/2015 09:49

I think if he is devious enough to do all this for so long he is devious enough to cover his tracks.
Get as much help as you can, as soon as possible to get all the evidence you need.

MakStout · 08/10/2015 10:02

Please op, talk to police, solicitors, women's aid, gp, get your friend to note this in her diary, save the evidence to a disk or flash drive so you can remove it entirely from the pc etc So he can't delete it. Assume that, as anchor says, he's still listening. Also assume that you will need the paper trail you will have from speaking to police, gp, etc, because if he's stalking you now, which he is, he will stalk you when you split. Protect yourself. This is abuse, and abusers get worse when they are caught and afraid of losing their control. This is the point at which it can escalate, and if you don't protect evidence, build a paper trail, have contemporary account from your friend, you will one day wish you had done it.
Get legal docs together, move money from your joint account into your own, have a bag packed in case you need it. Better safe than sorry.

Whatevva · 08/10/2015 10:07

What Anchor said.

No way was it that easy to delete the software he is paying £150 a year for. If that was the case, the victim could find it and delete it easily.

He is still playing games.

sheepwitch · 08/10/2015 10:13

Please keep yourself safe OP. Listen to Anchor's wise words.

shovetheholly · 08/10/2015 10:14

Assume he's listening, but please please don't provoke a reaction by sending a 'dodgy' text or taking a suspicious photo. I think that would be very foolhardy in the circumstances - not only because you don't know what his reaction will be (clearly he is already paranoid), but also because you may well be heading to the divorce courts.

I would get out of the house completely for a break and to clear your head, leaving all electronic devices behind. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a bit until you figure all this out?

0dfod · 08/10/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LarkDescending · 08/10/2015 10:21

If DC are of an age to have electronic devices, I'd think it would also be sensible to assume they too are bugged.

Take care OP.

Only1scoop · 08/10/2015 10:30

Anchors post is very enlightening Op.
Great to have so much knowledge re the technical stuff.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling ....you're keeping it together and concentrating on the facts etc rather than the emotional stuff at this stage. So crucial.

sidsgranny · 08/10/2015 10:30

Just a thought, but he is not only illegally recording your conversations, but the voices of the people you are having these conversations with.

Please, please report this to the police and get legal advice today.

rumbelina · 08/10/2015 10:32

Glad you're getting a new phone from your friend. Smash your current one with an axe.

M0rven · 08/10/2015 10:34

I think she should keep her old phone and not smash it up. She may need the evidence that is on it

rumbelina · 08/10/2015 10:35

sidsgranny good point, if I found out a friend's DP had been recording our conversations while I was at their house I would go apeshit and if it had been going on for 2 years I would definitely report them to the police. I'm not normally a 'call the police' type of person but anything like that needs coming down on like a ton of bricks.

rumbelina · 08/10/2015 10:36

Good point, M0rven, as long as it's in a soundproof box in the loft.

Daisycloud66 · 08/10/2015 10:38

Still here. Thanks for all the advice.
I won't provoke him with dodgy texts as that's not my style. My friends lent me her old phone.
I have contacted the solicitor who delt with house purchase and I am going to see him this afternoon (convincing solicitors) as there seems to have been a balls up with the Loan from family member it's been working me as I cannot afford to pay this on top of our mortgage.
Techky wizard will be along this evening to check PCs. I have text husband on old mobile I am turning on text then turn off and have said I need thinking time and he has that's fine. I have told him I want him to not come to the house if I see his car I will call the police and see if I can get a order and told his this. And he has backed off completely.
I am using today to get financial sides sorted!

OP posts:
M0rven · 08/10/2015 10:41

Well done daisy . You are a very strong woman .

Please remember that he's almost certainly reading this thread, so please don't post anything that you don't want him to know . It's horrible to have to say this, as Mn should be a source of support for you .

RivieraKid · 08/10/2015 10:49

This is one of the most chilling things I think I've ever read. As Anchor said, he's only being calm and telling you thinking time is 'fine' because he knows everything you're doing still. He could have cameras in the house, anything.

This man is fucking dangerous. He's admitted he got a 'thrill' out of tracking you and is trying to convince you something so utterly violating isn't illegal and in fact went to great lengths to find a loophole in any illegality in his mind.

It's just horrifying. Run run run and don't look back. And for god's sake make sure the police are aware.

RedMapleLeaf · 08/10/2015 11:11

Take care of yourself OP. It's likely that you're "running on adrenaline" so prepare yourself for the slump by eating and drinking as well as you can and getting a bit of fresh air and sunshine.

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 08/10/2015 11:13

Shock Gosh this is bad. Take care of yourself and please listen to anchor's advice Thanks

TheOddity · 08/10/2015 11:26

I'll say it again. He already knows everything you're doing because you are posting it on the Internet in a public forum. Please stop posting!

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