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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been secretly recording me help

442 replies

Daisycloud66 · 06/10/2015 14:26

Shit, total shock here.
I've just been onto a hard drive my DH bought a while ago for us to share as last pc crashed and I lost all my spreadsheets I use for tax return,

I created a new folder for each of us and dragged all his stuff into his folder. He had loads of MP3 files and assumed it was music so I've opened one up to play as if it is current music I was going to delete it as its on iTunes. But the MP3 recordings weren't music they were recordings of me. The first one I opened was of Big Bang theory from last night and had me talking to my dog. The next one was the tv I was watching again last night.
WTF is he playing at, I just don't understand it. 22 mp3 recordings lasting about 5 mins each.

How is he doing this? Can anyone tell me if its the ps4 that's recording me?

He's gone to work so I can't have this out until late tonight.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterfingers · 08/10/2015 08:24

I'd assume he's still using other software, rule 1 of cheaters/liars script is only admit to what they already know. If he's using key loggers he knows exactly what you know and has admitted to just that.

Plus, he's invaded your privacy and kept a huge secret for two years. How can you ever trust him again?

BitOutOfPractice · 08/10/2015 08:25

He's left his iPad there?!?!

Massive alarm bells going off at that op!!

wannaBe · 08/10/2015 08:36

to the pp who said that because he's repentant there should be a way back, no, there absolutely is no way back from this IMO.

There are a lot of threads on relationships from women who suspect their partners of cheating, and who go to some lengths to establish whether this is the case. Some of those lengths sometimes include installing keyloggers/spy software/hiring a private investigator. and the answer is always that if the trust has gone to the point that you have to resort to these lengths, then the relationship is over.

This relationship was over two years ago when the op's dh decided he didn't trust his wife and decided to bug the house to see whether she would have an affair with his friend.

he has gone to considerable lengths to keep tabs on the op's every move. Let's not kid ourselves that it was done out of idle curiosity at what she was doing while he wasn't there, and even if it was, that is creepy as hell.

And the crying isn't because of what he's done, it's because he's been caught, and he knows that what he did was illegal - no matter how much he has tried to convince the op it wasn't, it really is. And he knows that he is potentially in serious trouble and that his marriage is over etc.

oh, and the iPad is probably still recording, even if the software has been taken off the op's phone.

TheOddity · 08/10/2015 08:41

Op, there is no way on earth if he had all that info on you that he doesn't know your every movement on mumsnet. I would stop posting and seek RL help now. And limit the use of technology until you know what has been tracked.

SoDiana · 08/10/2015 08:48

Christ!

coconutpie · 08/10/2015 08:49

OMG. I am horrified OP. Your first port of call should be the police.

Pigeonpost · 08/10/2015 08:51

That is enormously creepy. Turn his iPad off!! And change your MN password every time you post!

squidzin · 08/10/2015 08:51

He was recording your conversations while you were out with your friends Urgh. That is a violation of the highest order. If I was a friend of yours who found out I was being recorded by your creepy DH I would want to punch his lights out.
You aren't safe anywhere. This Ipad he left. Fucking chuck it under traffic.
I'd be beyond livid.

squidzin · 08/10/2015 08:54

Chuck it all off a high bridge! All your phones computers and ipads laptops everything. I would.

happyending14 · 08/10/2015 08:54

This is really scary. The fact he has admitted he is obsessed by it - what a weirdo.

Where did he go last night op?

Only1scoop · 08/10/2015 08:54

Bloody hell Op

I feel so freaked out on your behalf.

Awful

MissMarpleCat · 08/10/2015 08:55

Op I'm in awe of your calmness after such an event. This has to be the strangest thread I've come across. I really didn't know such devices were available and could be set up in such a way Shock

MadrigalElectromotive · 08/10/2015 09:01

Good God. This is chilling. Shock

I think you should go to the Police, OP.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/10/2015 09:02

I think he may actually be right, based on what happened to someone else I know when her ex bugged her in the housexthey co owned, that it is not illegal to plant the actual spying devices.

However, worth checking on legal position of him secretly recording your friends conversations. Also this might be covered under stalking, harrassment, breach of the peace or domestic abuse (controlling behaviour).

Amazing that in all that time he never ket slip somethimg he had overheard you saying that he shouldn't have known (that is how friend found out her ex was bugging house as he knew too much about her life that he should not have known).

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:02

I actually feel qiute sorry for him. That doesn't change the absolute and unforgivable breach of trust though.

Has he acknowledged that this isn't normal behaviour and that he really should be seeking medical help - this would be the make or break issue for me even if i could bear to be with him in the future.

How are things with you generally? your relationship? Is he generally controlling?

VoyageOfDad · 08/10/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Workingmum473 · 08/10/2015 09:05

Maybe he is insecure about your relationship and wants to monitor u...either way very worrying

Phoenix0x0 · 08/10/2015 09:06

Wowzers!!!!!!

I agree with the PP who said that they did not think he has admitted to everything.

ConesOfDunshire · 08/10/2015 09:10

I said I'm sickened by this as its illegal and he said he has looked into it and actually it's not if you own the phone the software is on. Guess who has bought my last two phones for me

This is the part that I find the most chilling. He has investigated the (il)legality of what he has done and he thinks that he has found a loophole.

After you have spoken to the police I strongly recommend that you seek legal advice. If you have any evidence at all that the phones were intended as a gift, or that they were for your sole use, I think he would find himself on very shaky ground.

I'm so sorry, OP.

FantasticButtocks · 08/10/2015 09:10

So shocking Shock Even if it is 'legal' to set up spyware etc if he has bought the phones and devices...surely stalking your wife (or anyone) and invading privacy like this must be illegal?

I cannot even imagine how shell shocked you must be to have found all this out. What the hell is the matter with him?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/10/2015 09:10

You'd be insane to stay with him after this. He's violated your most basic rights as a human. It's like he doesn't actually view you as a person in your own right.

M0rven · 08/10/2015 09:12

Please contact the police and a lawyer .

0dfod · 08/10/2015 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizaPickford · 08/10/2015 09:34

OP I hope you are ok and please get some good legal advice asap. Flowers

wannaBe · 08/10/2015 09:37

I don't think he's ill at all. He's gone to extreme calculated lengths to spy on the op, down to checking out his legal position.

Tbh I can even see how this happens .. but....

imagine that you are of a paranoid disposition and suspect a partner of having an affair. You go to some lengths to check out whether your suspicions are correct. Perhaps you check on their phone, but find nothing. But then you think that messages might be deleted so you go to some lengths to get some piece of software that recovers deleted messages (I've seen people recommend that on here even) you still find nothing so you hide a tracker in their car (I know someone who did this to catch a partner out). You can't quite pinpoint where they were so you put a recorder in there (similarly, have seen people on mn who have caught their partner out that way.) And so it goes. The more lengths you go to to find something, the more you might feel you need to do to satisfy that nagging feeling that something is wrong.

The difference here is that there wasn't anything. But most posters on the relationships board here will absolutely advocate going to whatever lengths you need to in order to find the evidence you need. And let's face it, while in many cases the snooping will turn up some evidence, in many others it won't.

As I said in a previous post, at the point you need to go to these lengths to find out what your partner is up to the relationship is already over because the trust is gone.

But there is a whole industry around being able to spy on people. Private investigators are a last resort, but you only have to go on to amazon and look for e.g. hidden cameras and find a myriad of ways to check on someone. And there are whole shops in london devoted to the art of spying on people. They're a bit intriguing from an outside perspective, the idea that you can buy a bug that fits into a light switch or a plug socket is the stuff of bond films for most of us, and I confess I'd love to visit one just to see what's there. But for some people this is the stuff of reality, and the fact that these places exist in the first place is evidence that the market exists for spying on people.