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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
ffffffedup · 05/10/2015 18:57

I'm so sorry your going through this even if he hasn't cheated physically he has emotionally. You need to separate your relationship with your h and his relationship with his dc. He can be a shitty husband and still be a great Dad, although your DD isnt biologically his he'd have to be a grade A TWAT to all of a sudden stop being her father just because your relationship may have ended.
I wouldn't rush into splitting up or staying together you both need time to calm down and think things through before deciding what to do

flanjabelle · 05/10/2015 19:01

You have us to listen and to be there for you. Lean on us :)

You are doing so so well!

DarkRosaleen · 05/10/2015 19:06

Oh dear Rainbow. I wish you a resolution to this awful situation.
When will you see him? I suggest leaving it for a couple of days or at least until you feel ready to cope with talking to him.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:08

You're all so nice every time I come on here I want to cry! Thank you all From the bottom of my heart for stopping me acting out the pick me dance and managing to stay strong..sounds mean but I can't wait for the kids to go to bed so I can have a good sob...my throat is killing from holding it all in today..though my 7 year old son just taught me how to play draughts and he beat me 6 times!!we have had dinner on the sofa with a film too so actually managed to have a fun night despite it all x
I feel I really need this break to just be me so I can make a sensible Decision about our future-if he was here I would be a snivelling mess right now x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:10

I don't know when I will see him...I am working Wednesday evening so I may ask him to be here for the kids so so they spend time with him in a 'normal' usual for us situation...I don't feel Strong enough to face him yet...even though I've been managing to be feisty via text!x

OP posts:
miaowroar · 05/10/2015 19:20

Marzipan "When a marriage goes wrong and something like an affair happens. It is a symptom that things need looking at, discussing, working at. A stitch in time and all that. Just because one person had the affair, does not make it all their fault."

I am an older poster too Marzipan, and this is where I have a difficulty with this way of thinking. It is not one person's fault when a marriage goes wrong, but it is absolutely one person's fault if they choose to have an affair.

That does not mean to say that Rainbow should LTB, but neither should she allow her partner to blame her for his infidelity.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and your regrets. My marriage ended 12 years ago and I have not had a relationship since. My ex absolutely blamed me and our “rubbish sex life” for the failure of our marriage. I forgave him one affair but even so the marriage did not work. I don’t mind taking my share of the blame for the marriage, but it was his choice to pursue women and have affairs before ending it in an honourable way.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:27

Does anyone mind me asking...what actually happens at marriage counselling?sorry if that's a stupid question!Blush

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/10/2015 19:32

im sorry youre going through this Rainbow. You are much stronger than you think you are. You are keeping your dignity and your head high which is about all you can do right now xx

3littlebadgers · 05/10/2015 19:32

Rainbow you are doing amazingly well even if it doesn't seen that way to you. You have been firm with DH and let him see that you are nobody's fool, you have been in to work, despite having no sleep and you have given your children a lovely evening. You have done that, YOU, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who is very proud of you.
Whatever you decide, do it in your own time, and for your own reasons. There are so many amazing and strong women on here who can give you their advice and experiance. Even if you feel alone, remember that you really aren't. You have a small mumsnet army cheering you on Flowers

Arkkorox · 05/10/2015 19:38

Rainbow you are amazing. I'm so sorry you're having to go through with this x

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:39

3littlebadgers thank you so much...my daughters gone for a bath and my son is in bed and I am finally alone but now fighting so hard to stop feeling guilty because I don't know where my husband will stay tonight...I can't stop crying now I just wish this would all go away x

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 05/10/2015 19:41

miaoweoar Bloody well said!

ApplesTheHare · 05/10/2015 19:43

Rainbow stay strong and you have nothing to feel guilty about. So sorry you're going through this Flowers Do you have netflix/a good book to keep you company?

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:45

I have eastenders!Smile
I'm so tired I think I probably will manage to sleep tonight x

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 05/10/2015 19:46

They basically ask for both points of view. If both want to save the marriage, then they may give you homework until the next session, BUT if you you go down that route, then don't be afraid to challenge the counsellor if you think they are talking shite! They are not God or the oricole to your life.

You are doing so well OP!

flanjabelle · 05/10/2015 19:47

He wasn't giving you the same level of consideration while he was being an utter shitbag. He didn't care enough at the time to stop himself being so selfish. you shouldn't feel guilt. Not for a second. For once you are putting your emotional needs first, and that's ok.

I think it is healthier for you both in the long run to have some space to cool down and reflect. Any conversation right now is likely to be explosive and unhelpful. Take. time, think about where you want to go from here. Give it a chance to sink in.

You can do this.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 19:49

Thank you lacoba66! I have texted and asked him not to come here unannounced just in case I don't go to work tomorrow...I don't want to just give up and want to explore all our options eventually so I would consider counselling as one x

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 05/10/2015 19:56

Rainbow you are welcome. If he comes home tonight, then just tell him that it's too raw for you to talk rationally with him. Maybe tell him you will call in a few days to arrange?

You deserve some "you" time & he should respect this. No calls, and not texts either. X

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 20:01

I'm will not be replying to anything he sends...not that he has yet or I expect he will x

OP posts:
Squishyeyeballs · 05/10/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/10/2015 20:27

Well continued good luck Rainbow, it sounds like you are on the right track Flowers

Lacoba66 · 05/10/2015 20:31

He may not have done so tonight, but he will! When he does, make it your decision to talk and not his.

You have lots of virtual friends on here, so use and abuse us wink for what you need in your life right now.

I for one think you're doing bloody amazing!

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 20:33

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 05/10/2015 20:38

Unless you need to have your phone on, then I would switch it off for tonight.

Watch some crap T.V and try and go to bed early.

You will need your strength. X

Madratlady · 05/10/2015 21:03

I wish I had your strength Rainbow. I'll be reading up on the pick me dance, it sounds horribly familiar.

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