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Original poster

He wants me to get thin

316 replies

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:12

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

OP posts:
RomiiRoo · 04/10/2015 21:28

Good grief, this man is really awful.
You sound like a decent person willing to give the benefit of the doubt and he has absolutely taken and exploited your weak point (as others have said, if it was not weight, it would be something else)

You are 29, you have most of your life ahead of you - ten months is nothing, really. In a year's time, you will look back and think what WAS I thinking?!? And know not to stay with such controlling, abusive twattishness.

By the way, I agree that slow and steady weight loss, which stays off, is the way to go

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 21:28

I am very much convinced he is projecting his self-loathing on me.
He didn't manage to keep the weight off and he is taking it out on me.
He has always told me he is a controlling guy and I am definitely seeing it. I had no idea the first few months that he was like that... meaning, the classical hypocritical guy who is fat but wants a hot woman ready to satisfy his needs. It really makes me laugh that he says that about fat women, failing to see he is exactly the same. And I think the whole "it's risky for fat women to get pregnant" is just an excuse to hide the true reason.

I honestly believed he was ok with me not being slim because he cared more about my personality being what he wanted in a woman. Apparently I could be the greatest person ever but it wouldn't make him overlook the fact that I am not a virgin.
He's an idiot because he is 35, not getting any younger, and if he wants kids with a woman he considers a good woman this would be his chance. He doesn't have a queue of women ready to throw themselves at his feet.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 21:32

He wants you to lose weight or he won't marry you. The cheeky twunt what does he think you are, exactly.
His fucking fan club. You really do not want this shallow hypocritical being in your life. I say hypocritical as did you not say he is over weight himself.

You partner is supposed to love you for you warts fat and all, and if he cant do that then. I'd be telling him to FOTTOSOFOAFOSM. Now don't get me wrong if you want to lose weight for your self, well. That puts an entirely different spin on things, but you don't do because you're being dictated to.
He wants you to be thin, Yeah well I want a week on private 100 ft yatch drinking champagne and being fed strawberries covered in chocolate, but we don't always get what we want.

Scobberlotcher · 04/10/2015 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 21:35

He doesn't have a queue of women ready to throw themselves at his feet.
I can't possibly think why.Hmm

GriefLeavesItsMark · 04/10/2015 21:38

Do you mean you think he is trying exert control over you and your weight because feels he cannot control his weight?

BTW there is research out there that indicates obese men have lower quality sperm.

DiscoGoGo · 04/10/2015 21:47

Don't really understand your last post.

None of that matters.

He's awful, you don't live together, you've only been going out a year or so, dump him. He's awful. You know he's awful.

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 21:52

Possibly... he can get on and off his diet as he pleases but if I did, he would be angry at me, telling me how I will never lose weight and all that.

I think he is aware of that as he mentioned months ago that he would need to lose weight too, but now it seems like it's just me having to get slim in order to get pregnant. He surely has done his research on fat being a problem with conceiving etc.
He tells me he wouldn't have kids with me as long as I stay fat, that he would have to divorce me if we married and I kept being fat.

If I point out, when I am trying to defend myself, that models are too thin etc, he says that anyway it's better to be too thin than fat and that he would rather be involved with an underweight woman than a fatty. It's a fact that very underweight women can't get pregnant as their period stops, so he couldn't get his kids from one of them. I told him that obviously to spite him and he retorted saying a kid in a fat woman's womb would get suffocated. Cheeky twat. I had almost believed that.

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/10/2015 21:54

You are (or at least were) engaging with his bullshit arguments when you should be rejecting the premise entirely using the following handy phrase: "Fuck. Off."

Scobberlotcher · 04/10/2015 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 04/10/2015 22:18

Tell him to go suck a bag of dicks and go non-contact with this utter tosspot as soon as humanly possible.

He makes you feel bad/doubt yourself on a consistent basis, without all the other shit he spouts that is enough to LTB on its own.

DarkNavyBlue · 04/10/2015 22:34

Why would you want to be with this guy?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 22:39

Take it from me. You're beautiful and any man would be lucky to have you. Yes I don't know you but I can feel your kindness genuineness and warmth coming through your posts. Don't let anyone, drag you down.
Get rid of him and wait patiently for the right man, who will treat you in the way you deserve because I do promise you. He's out there, somewhere. X

AnyFucker · 04/10/2015 22:43

I think both of you have eating disorders and issues with food. You are in a toxic relationship. He is abusive and you seem unable to break free.

Please go for individual counselling to address 1) your own issues with food (you must have them or you wouldn't have given his bullshit any headspace at all 2) why you stay with an absolute prick like him

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2015 22:45

The biggest mistake is engaging with him at all

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2015 00:06

Agree with Cactus, you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Skinny women aren't the enemy here, he is.

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2015 00:06

Agree with Cactus, you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Skinny women aren't the enemy here, he is.

ouryve · 05/10/2015 00:10

He has always told me...

Yep, my ex always told me he wouldn't be easy to live with. Even 7 or 8 years into marriage, after various humiliating public strops, he reminded me that he told me he wouldn't be easy to live with.

What a fucking twat. And well and truly an ex. 13 years an ex, as of this week, in fact!

ForChina · 05/10/2015 00:14

Oh he sounds horrible. I'm so sorry. :(

You are very big and you sound like you haven't fully accepted that yet but you're on the right path and that is entirely up to you - your life and your body.

Please get rid of him - and then lost a lot of weight for YOU, feel fabulous and get yourself a nice man. Fat, thin, tall, short... whatever, but NICE.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/10/2015 00:23

"You are very big and it sounds like you have accepted that."
Yes that's as may be China. However with the uppermost respect to you. I highly doubt op needs to be reminded of that.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/10/2015 00:24

Sorry sound very big, not are. My feelings still stand though

amarmai · 05/10/2015 00:30

he is being ea and ridiculous as he is overweight. Double standard? Please seek counselling thru your gp so you can get rid of this man. Why wd you have children with a man who is already telling you when he will divorce you?Living under such a threat wd be disastrous for you and your children.

HelenaDove · 05/10/2015 00:46

I find the concern trolling that is going on on this thread disturbing and unnecessary.

There are many overweight women who have lovely partners but there seems to be a disturbing undercurrent to some of these posts that you have to be a certain size before this will happen.

a This simply isnt true.
b. having a man isnt everything. I have decided not to have a sexual relationship again due to the fact that i dont want to take hormonal contraception and fuck up all that i have achieved. And ive never wanted DC so wont risk pregnancy as that will also affect my weight. Ive worked too damn hard to get here.

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 05/10/2015 01:12

I have accepted that I am big. By the way, we had a heated discussion earlier. I could have strangled him.
He told me "being 30 and obese isn't good for bearing children" and "can't complain about the desire to look at other women when you're a tank" and other things like that. I did tell him that he needs to lose weight and about the fact a fat man ha slower quality sperm and he said he knows but just kept on attacking me about the weight. I also told him calling me derogatory terms for fat was rude and he said he should have said huge. If he wanted to be mean, he would have said blimp.

OP posts:
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