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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How have I found myself in this situation...need someone to listen

128 replies

Thisisme85 · 28/09/2015 02:06

[Some details removed by MNHQ to protect privacy of OP]

Where to start...

I have been with my DH for [removed by MNHQ] and [removed by MNHQ], we met at university and have set up a beautiful life together. Recently moved into our dream forever home and were try to conceive.

My DH is such an amazing man, truly is the nicest people anyone will meet. But I have found myself in a situation where I am in love with another man. I can barely type the word affair, but yes that is what it is.

Trying to keep this brief...I got talking to a guy from work. I had very briefly seen him round the office but that was it and didn't take any notice of him. It was the end of the night and I ended up sitting with his team and chatting for a couple of hours. Literally me and him just so engrossed in each others conversation we didn't notice anyone else. We spoke about our other halves (he is married also) and how we were both trying to conceive. It felt good to speak to someone else about it and especially a man to get his view. When I got back to my room that night I remember thinking how easy it was to talk to him and how attracted I was to him. But it never once crossed my mind to take action on it.

The days roiled on and emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual. We were both so drawn to each others personalities that we wanted to talk to each other all the time. During work time we would meet with each other for the odd afternoon drink and catch up. It was during this friendship stage he told me the day he found out that his wife had successfully got pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them.

However, after a while we ended up admitting to each other how much we were attracted to each other. I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets. He is an amazing man and as I got to know him, I realised how much I loved him. After a while we slept with each other and we both told each other we loved each other.

It has been a couple of months since then and we see each other as much as we can, talk and text as much as we can also. However it pains me to know I can't have him...he is my perfect fit in everyway. I very often get upset at the idea of mourning what could have been with us to if we'd met 11 years ago. We talk a lot about this and he feels the same, but we have found ourselves in this situation and weren't looking for it.

I know people will struggle with my story, but I need some support. I know he won't leave his wife and neither do I want him too, my guilt is always for our partners. But we can't stop this pull to each other. I truly love him but I love my current life.

I suppose I need someone to tell me what already know but as no one else knows this I have found myself here.

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 28/09/2015 02:12

You won't get support or sympathy from me. This was all your choice, and you deserve any pain that your terrible choices have caused you. I will reserve my sympathy for the victims, your husband, his wife, and the baby too. Now try and do the decent thing with the rest of your life.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 02:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

emotionsecho · 28/09/2015 02:19

You don't love your husband just your current life, I seriously hope you are not still trying to conceive with your dh it would be beyond selfish to bring a child into this mess.

The decent thing to do would be to split from both your dh and the man you are having an affair with. This won't end well if you continue.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 02:21

And you found yourself in this situation because you made the decision to enter into it. It wasn't osmosis or hypnosis or an act of God, you both chose to do what you have done. you need to take responsibility for that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/09/2015 02:31

One of my oldest friends is in your position (although she and her OM didn't actually have sex), and she has found out the hard way how devastating the consequences are (even without sex taking place).

Nothing but experiencing it for yourself - and of course, drawing all your surrounding innocent victims into the chaos as well - will make you actually realise this though, so you will just carry on as you are, until one of you gets found out.

This will not end well, and you have been warned.

You know you can't carry on as you are, so stop being so passive and make some choices.

purits · 28/09/2015 02:33

I'm sure that you see 'amazing', 'attraction', 'perfect' and other moon-in-june stuff.
The rest of the world sees 'seven year itch'.
Stop it before people get hurt.

Topseyt · 28/09/2015 02:41

You have chosen to act on this. So did he, while his wife was going through the rollercoaster of IVF!!

He doesn't sound great at all. Twatty and unfaithful more like.

You don't emerge smelling of roses either. You know a lot of innocent people could get hurt here, but you don't seem that bothered about them (his now pregnant wife, your own husband etc.).

You know this is wrong. You are both behaving like arses.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/09/2015 02:56

As he can't keep his flies zipped and you can't keep your knickers on, you're made for each other and are best advised to end your marriages now and move into that inglorious future where neither of you will trust the other and both of you will cheat again because leopards don't change their spots.

Really, OP!! What do you hope to gain from posting here where the only sympathy expressed will, rightly, be for his pg dw and your cuckolded dh who are entirely innocent of any wrongdoing and whose worlds will come crashing down when they discover the duplicitous behavour of their respective spouses which, of course, is inevitable?

mathanxiety · 28/09/2015 03:00

He is a cheater.

So are you.

You are making a fool of yourself. And the pair of you are destroying the life of a baby who is not yet born.

Do you have the guts to tell your H and leave your home and move in with Mr. Wonderful? What would he say to that idea? Or are you both just enjoying this dangerous game while it lasts regardless of the fact that innocent victims are going to be so hurt?

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 28/09/2015 03:07

The fact that you used the term 'love my current life' speaks volumes OP. Seriously have a word with yourself and cop on to what sort of person OM is too. Leave the OM alone and get quietly divorced from your own husband. You appear to only see him as providing you with nice things and not as a person at all and he deserves better. The bloom will soon come off the rose when you get caught and unless you stop this, you will.

diddl · 28/09/2015 03:08

Jeez, leave your husband!

At least my husband had the guts to leave me when he became a shoulder to cry on and more re a work colleagues IVF woes

They had two kids & then she left him!!

RudyMentary · 28/09/2015 03:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paulapompom · 28/09/2015 04:11

Not trying to be a judgey person but I think you are romantisising the whole situation. You say you have discussed how things would be different if you two had met 11 years ago, but it's impossible to know what would have happened. If you got together then this thread could be you asking for help because you are pg and dh is having an affair ... or any other possible scenario. Sorry op but make a choice, and whatever you decide everyone deserves the truth.

Mermaidhair · 28/09/2015 04:16

You are both so incredibly selfish. What disgusting behaviour. Maybe try putting yourself in his wife's shoes.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/09/2015 04:37

I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets.

Boak.

I never understand why you people feel the need to romanticise the fact that you're screwing someone behind your spouse's back.

You're an available shag while his wife is otherwise occupied. That's it.

Callyourselfapilot · 28/09/2015 04:45

As someone who has recently gone through being the casualty of two selfish people where the 'this was bigger than both of us' situation ruled I can tell you the fallout is horrendous. If you are feeling and acting this way you don't love your husband as much as you think you do and you need to leave him. He can then find someone decent who will not lie,cheat and betray him as you are doing. However you dress it up, your behaviour is truly awful.

winkywinkola · 28/09/2015 06:06

Grow up.

Supermanspants · 28/09/2015 06:23

Go away Biscuit

DiamondoInTheSky · 28/09/2015 06:39

Oh look, another cheating post.

RedMapleLeaf · 28/09/2015 06:51

Don't you feel that there's a contradiction here? On the one hand you both claim to love each other strongly and recklessly, but on the other hand neither of you is willing to give up a comfortable life for the other.

Another contradiction is that you say he's amazing, yet most people wouldn't describe someone who can behave as he is in favourable terms.

I'm not sure you're really being honest with yourselves.

BearFeet · 28/09/2015 06:56

That's the biggest pile of vomiting inducing crap I've ever read on here!

acatcalledjohn · 28/09/2015 07:14

Fucking hell OP. My cats show more consideration for my feelings than you and OM do for your partners'.

And cats are notoriously selfish buggers.

Hissy · 28/09/2015 07:28

Love it when people do the shittiest of things to people they supposedly love and absolve themselves of all responsibility by saying they "found themselves in this situation"

Is it the female equivalent of "it was an accident"? ie I tripped and ended up ball deep in the ow...

You can "find yourself" attracted to someone, you can find yourself thinking about them, but then you give yourself an almighty boot up the Arse and stop it in its tracks.

You don't shag em. You just don't. And that is before you get to the ivf.

Op, if you are real, you are simply heartless and your poor husband deserves to know who he is married to. You need to leave him to find someone who will love him and not betray him.

twattersonsmythe · 28/09/2015 07:33

You are lying to yourself. You are romanticizing what is really happening here. You are cheating on your husband by fucking someone else's. That's all. And you did not both find yourself in this situation'; you both chose to do it.

Stop using your husband as a cash point and divorce the poor guy. Then either leave the other man alone or be with him (minus his wife). He sounds like a dick anyway. What kind of awful person cheats on their pregnant wife? Imagine if you were pregnant and you found out that your husband had been having an affair. How would that make you feel? Or better still, imagine you and the other man married to each other in the future, you pregnant with his baby. Imagine him doing this behind your back with someone else. Because he will, you know.

Nonnainglese · 28/09/2015 07:35

IF you are real then you are despicable.