How have I found myself in this situation...need someone to listen

[Thisisme85]

[Some details removed by MNHQ to protect privacy of OP]

Where to start...

I have been with my DH for [removed by MNHQ] and [removed by MNHQ], we met at university and have set up a beautiful life together. Recently moved into our dream forever home and were try to conceive.

My DH is such an amazing man, truly is the nicest people anyone will meet. But I have found myself in a situation where I am in love with another man. I can barely type the word affair, but yes that is what it is.

Trying to keep this brief...I got talking to a guy from work. I had very briefly seen him round the office but that was it and didn't take any notice of him. It was the end of the night and I ended up sitting with his team and chatting for a couple of hours. Literally me and him just so engrossed in each others conversation we didn't notice anyone else. We spoke about our other halves (he is married also) and how we were both trying to conceive. It felt good to speak to someone else about it and especially a man to get his view. When I got back to my room that night I remember thinking how easy it was to talk to him and how attracted I was to him. But it never once crossed my mind to take action on it.

The days roiled on and emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual. We were both so drawn to each others personalities that we wanted to talk to each other all the time. During work time we would meet with each other for the odd afternoon drink and catch up. It was during this friendship stage he told me the day he found out that his wife had successfully got pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them.

However, after a while we ended up admitting to each other how much we were attracted to each other. I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets. He is an amazing man and as I got to know him, I realised how much I loved him. After a while we slept with each other and we both told each other we loved each other.

It has been a couple of months since then and we see each other as much as we can, talk and text as much as we can also. However it pains me to know I can't have him...he is my perfect fit in everyway. I very often get upset at the idea of mourning what could have been with us to if we'd met 11 years ago. We talk a lot about this and he feels the same, but we have found ourselves in this situation and weren't looking for it.

I know people will struggle with my story, but I need some support. I know he won't leave his wife and neither do I want him too, my guilt is always for our partners. But we can't stop this pull to each other. I truly love him but I love my current life.

I suppose I need someone to tell me what already know but as no one else knows this I have found myself here.

I don't agree with what you are doing, but I do sympathise with the feelings you are having. I have someone in my life that I have that magnetic attraction with (both ways). It feels like more than love somehow, something eternal and overreaching. However, there were practicalities (big ones) that kept us apart, we are both now happily married to other people, and have children, but no one will ever take his place.
I deal with it by beleiving it was never meant to be, and that not being together does not take the fact of that amazing love away. It is a gift to have the opportunity to experience that, but for me, I wasn't meant to spend my life with that person.
On a more practical level, being unable to be together adds impetus to the whole thing, and I do realise that had we got married, those feelings might have faded into something more normal and everyday over time.
I hope you find a way to deal with these feelings and minimise any damage to both your families.

You chose to continue seeing each other once you knew that you were both finding each other attractive, and you have chosen to continue this relationship despite his successful conception of a child. I would say you deserve each other, but that doesn't really leave anywhere for his unborn baby as I can't imagine how devastating this will all be for his wife, not to mention your husband.

It sounds like teenage infatuation that you have built up into a big romance in order to justify your unwillingness to curb your desire to sleep together. And you can't undo it, so you will just have to decide whether you are prepared to come clean and face the consequences, or go slinking back to your respective spouses and lie to them for the rest of your lives together.

If you continue with this 'relationship' you will end up with the booby prize.

The only way to gain any sort of self respect is, as many others have rightly suggested, is to cut all contact and concentrate on your marriage. If that doesn't work out, then call it a day.

You both deserve each other. Two cheating scumbags.

This magnetic attraction people talk about though . I used to have this with all my boyfriends until the reality of the relationship set in and they were just as annoying as the last haha now I have a much less dramatic view on falling in love and am a bit more realistic about what goes into making a relationship work long term .

I think all this forbidden love soul mate but can't have him bollocks is just sexual frustration / build up making them seem so exciting because you can't have them .

He is a man you are attracted to. If you had met him 11 years ago you may be married to him but he would be the one having an affair with someone else now so I think you had a lucky escape (unlike your poor husband and his poor wife).

His wife is pregnant and you may be pregnant soon too. Think of how you would feel explaining all this to your child when it is older.

I wouldn't normally bother commenting on threads like this but I am in the midst of IVF hell myself and can't help but feel hugely sorry for the lady going through hell whilst her selfish arsehole of a husband moons around with someone else. Do you think IVF has been roses and plain sailing for them? Do you think that it is a sign of a decent human being that they look for comfort elsewhere in the midst of all that?

Take some responsibility for your actions and stop behaving this way. You are not two magnets, you have free will and the ability to make decisions.

Pathetic. You're just messing up multiple lives. Magnetic attraction my arse - you're being a selfish fantasist. Snap out of it.

Hm, the OP doesn't seem to appreciate the advice she's getting - unless (let's hope) she really is a troll, and is rubbing her hands with glee at having set us all off.

OP, start behaving like a decent human being: if you're a troll, stop trolling, and if you're for real, accept that your OM is an unpleasant piece of work and that you have been selfish and stupid. All this magnetic attraction stuff is just such bollocks: sure, we can all feel it, but we don't have to act upon it.

I've just got your name Odfod. I always used to read it as a word but now realise what it is.
(Sorry, off on a tangent there)

You're wondering what would have happened if you'd met 11 years ago? Very probably; you'd be exactly where his wife is now...

He is only shagging you because his dw is pregnant with a 'precious' baby and probably neither wants to do anything to dislodge it.

Leave him alone

OP - I can pretty much guarantee you don't actually love this man. I'm ashamed to say a similar situation happened to me a few years ago. At the time I absolutely 100% loved another man. Like you, I knew he wouldn't leave his wife, but then neither would I leave my husband. After a couple of months we decided we had to stop. I was devastated, cried beyond belief, couldn't imagine how I'd EVER be able to get on with my life again. Fast forward a few months and life got back to how it used to be, (with my husband), and all was well again. Pretty soon after, and still to this day, I'm embarrassed at my actions, my feelings, my delusional thoughts about him. I absolutely DON'T love him and never did. He's a lovely, lovely man, easy to chat to/get along with. You get caught up in those feelings and they get misinterpreted for what you think is love. But it's not.

I'd advise you to end it completely, get a grip, get on with your life with your husband. Focus, concentrate and work on what you have with him. It's the only way forward IMO.

Stop the pathetic "poor me how have I found myself in this situation?" Just stop it.

You have chosen to sleep with someone else's husband. You have chosen to break your marriage vows. This is not a Mills and Boone where people are incapable of staying away from people they are not married to. You are completely responsible for your own actions, "magnetic attraction" or not.

Leave this man alone or leave your husband. You are not a victim in all this and you are treating people horribly.

It is funny how the stars of the story (OP and OM) are always star crossed lovers who just couldn't fight their magnetic attraction for one another and when it all blows up in their faces they trot out the "I didn't mean to hurt anyone" mantra.

No, not romantic figures just selfish, self-centred liars.

Thisisme85 Right this is my take on it.

It is very easy to the have that attraction thing with someone else when you are married its not abnormal. After all most all of us pair up with another who to us at that time we thought was THE one. Now its also quite possible that if we dated most everyone on the planet there might be someone who is a better proposition, attractive, find a better match it goes on.

However we can't do that its unworkable so we find someone who we can work with and form a bond to have offspring and all of life's happy little plan. By and large for the greater part this does work well we can come to like them more as time goes on though that sometimes doesn't work as we have married a right bar-steward under a cloak you can see it here everyday and the misery it produces:(

Now if you should find that other Mr or Miss/Ms/Mrs right and get that "spark" etc its how you handle that, that's the important thing.

Now there is a mountain of grief to be here in the making and what you must do is to STOP all contact with this man RIGHT NOW before it goes any further you and him you should not have let it have gone so far. Think of his poor wife and you in her shoes its obvious that they have had a problem conceiving and shes been through the mill with that its not a lot of fun IVF and now shes expect a happy life fulfilling event and you and him are about to destroy that happiness for her. Think. What if you were her just how would you feel to have got that far and now your worlds about to be blown apart just think would you like that to happen to you?

Course you damn well wouldn't. Think also about your husband you speak of him in glowing terms he's a great bloke and your lucky to have found one. See the number of women who have been taken in by real bastards on here very day, cheaters ones who abuse them, ones who can destroy them?. Now do you think that poor bloke deserves that to happen to him too?.

You said your trying to conceive too. He, i very much expect is looking forward to being a dad too and i expect would make a very good one.

Now you are about to press the destruct button, about to start a war that will end in a lot of grief and heartache for him, you, her, the other man all involved and the child to be and child to come if you are trying.

Is that what you really want is it?.

All for a fling that's all it was that's what it will be. IF OTOH he was some abusive neer-do-well prat, and you had split up and the OM was a single person then fine, go ahead but this is going the come at a terrible cost.

Grow up please and do what you have to do and STOP it NOW it will
hurt, you will nurse regrets and all that but I very much can feel that there is a lot of happiness that's possible to come if you do do that.

OK I'm not chastising you I'm not going to condemn you, your human we all make mistakes and I to had a similar incident happen once but narrowly was disaster averted as that was what it would have become.

Now PLEASE do as i ask will you?.

Thanks for listening and i wish you well:)

But we can't stop this pull to each other.

Erm, yes you can, it's quite simple- just stop fucking someone who isn't your husband.

God. What a sorry grubby tale.

Funny how these swooning, flowery op's generate a lot of replies, yet the OP always disappears.

Ugh you're both awful. Stop ttc, your relationship is no place for a baby. It sounds like you both think the grass is greener but it isn't. His poor wife and child and your poor husband deserve so much better. You've got a comfortable life with him. You want to have your cake and eat it. Leave your husband and tell him the truth. This was not accidental, affairs never are. You're not in love with each other, it's just attention from someone new and you're both weak people. Everyone finds others attractive but if you're a half decent person you make a choice to stay faithful or leave, never to cheat. Your partners will find out, they always do. Karma is a bitch, don't forget that.

Your idea of romance and fate makes other people wretch. Stop one of the lines you're travelling on - they aren't parallel and will eventually crash and cause more pain and suffering than you could ever imagine.

If you could allow yourself to sleep with someone else, why can't you allow yourself to tell your husband.

It's called choice. You CHOSE to sleep with someone else and you CHOOSE NOT to tell your husband.

I agree with others - you haven't 'found yourself in this situation', you have engineered it, planned it and actively made it happen.

It's amazing how affairs are painted as a fucking big romance by the cunts involved, there is nothing romantic about what you're doing OP-just sordid & scummy.