How have I found myself in this situation...need someone to listen

[Thisisme85]

[Some details removed by MNHQ to protect privacy of OP]

Where to start...

I have been with my DH for [removed by MNHQ] and [removed by MNHQ], we met at university and have set up a beautiful life together. Recently moved into our dream forever home and were try to conceive.

My DH is such an amazing man, truly is the nicest people anyone will meet. But I have found myself in a situation where I am in love with another man. I can barely type the word affair, but yes that is what it is.

Trying to keep this brief...I got talking to a guy from work. I had very briefly seen him round the office but that was it and didn't take any notice of him. It was the end of the night and I ended up sitting with his team and chatting for a couple of hours. Literally me and him just so engrossed in each others conversation we didn't notice anyone else. We spoke about our other halves (he is married also) and how we were both trying to conceive. It felt good to speak to someone else about it and especially a man to get his view. When I got back to my room that night I remember thinking how easy it was to talk to him and how attracted I was to him. But it never once crossed my mind to take action on it.

The days roiled on and emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual. We were both so drawn to each others personalities that we wanted to talk to each other all the time. During work time we would meet with each other for the odd afternoon drink and catch up. It was during this friendship stage he told me the day he found out that his wife had successfully got pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them.

However, after a while we ended up admitting to each other how much we were attracted to each other. I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets. He is an amazing man and as I got to know him, I realised how much I loved him. After a while we slept with each other and we both told each other we loved each other.

It has been a couple of months since then and we see each other as much as we can, talk and text as much as we can also. However it pains me to know I can't have him...he is my perfect fit in everyway. I very often get upset at the idea of mourning what could have been with us to if we'd met 11 years ago. We talk a lot about this and he feels the same, but we have found ourselves in this situation and weren't looking for it.

I know people will struggle with my story, but I need some support. I know he won't leave his wife and neither do I want him too, my guilt is always for our partners. But we can't stop this pull to each other. I truly love him but I love my current life.

I suppose I need someone to tell me what already know but as no one else knows this I have found myself here.

emotionsecho, 100% agree.

OP if your husband was so amazing, why did you risk losing him by cheating?

I hope you have realised the truth of what you've done, where do you go from here?

It is very hard to have sympathy for someone who wrecks a marriage that wasn't unhappy. You can't possibly know that someone is right for you in every way when you have never had to take any responsibility for or with them, but have just self-indulgently chatted and had sex. And you know what a fatuous, self-destructive idiot you have been if, when you consider it in the cold light of day, you know your infatuation couldn't actually survive two acrimonious divorces, custody and child maintenance battles, the loss of friendships, the loss of respect from those whom you hold in high esteem (including your dh), and the loss of your home.

Often, the end result of this sort of behaviour is having to start up again from scratch, having destroyed your marriage, lost the subject of your infatuation and caused a lot of other serious harm along the way. I think there is absolutely no coincidence that you were both TTC with your partners when you met - it's all very convenient to tell yourself it was pure love and nothing to do with trying to evade real life and real responsibility, but the timing tells a somewhat different story.

brokenhearted55a Yes i did and it seemed that she has now woken up as it were but after that time?.

Gosh - isn't everyone virtuous on mumsnet. I can never understand why posters, who clearly don't know the full details of the situation, always insist that the affair is a grubby, sordid shagfest whilst the marriage is necessarily 'true love' that the poster must protect with her virtue unto death because she has 'promised' to by getting married. The reality is that people can change. Husbands can get boring, selfish and disconnected. mumsnetters love the idea that you've made your bed so you must lie in it. Nothing would make you lot more furious than someone having an affair and ending up happier as a result. It does happen you know.

The OP has said her DH is fantastic and she doesn't want to lose him I don't think your comment applies here house. She just wanted to have her cake and eat it.

While it may happen, that's not happening here- both OP and OM want to stay with their partners and OP is worried about her DH finding out, him being hurt and losing him.

Hows that old song go

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone"

????

Very true Justaboy. Sometimes the serious threat of losing enough but sometimes not.

I wholeheartedly agree with you OP. You are bad person.

I think the .OP is full of shit and will continue with her dirty ways.

Gosh - aren't mumsnetters virtuous. God forbid any woman would dare pursue happiness or put her own feelings above her husband's. Because, after all, if you have made your bed then you must lie in it. Once married, a woman must focus entirely on the happiness of others and any discontent she feels is entirely her own fault and must be endured. But the reality is that some people have affairs and the results aren't catastrophic and in the end everyone is happier. And while we're at it, lots of people take drugs for fun and don't become addicts. And not everyone who smokes gets cancer. I know mumsnetters probably see this as a monstrous injustice and would like everyone to suffer horribly for their less than saintly choices but unfortunately there's not room on that moral high ground for everyone.

Gosh - no I won't have a third go. LOL

Did you think the first didn't post happy or did you try different wordings to convince?

Happy, I mean House

Your post is a complete load of nonsense House you clearly haven't read or understood either the posts from the OP or other posters.

Husbands and wives can become boring, selfish and disconnected so either fix it or finish it and find something that is better, don't lie to someone's face and pretend everything in the garden is rosy taking away the other persons right to make a decision for themselves.

Affairs leading to happier marriages, I doubt that very much, might make the one having the affair happier but I don't imagine the one being cheated on feels delirious about it.

emotionsecho Affairs leading to happier marriages?.

Indeed. Pray tell House which world is this in cos it ain't this one;!

House the results are often catastrophic but the people responsible are usually too self-absorbed to understand the consequences of their actions. As is illustrated by our charming OP.

House you're talking out of your arse.

Of course women and men can pursue happiness.

But not by lying, cheating and deceiving.

The truth can hurt a lot. But not as much as when it comes about through being a lying cheating toad like the op.

House, you'd do well to actually FTFT, since your little double rant has nothing to do with the OP.

Yes sorry - dodgy Internet - hence posting twice. I just think that sometimes mumsnetters believe that karma is an actual thing. That if you do something less than saintly it will inevitably catch up with you and that, indeed, it should. The reality is, loads of people have affairs and are never found out and no-one gets hurt. Or women meet someone new and leave their husband and the husband realises he's happier without her and can get together with someone altogether nicer. Of course I'm not advocating that anyone deliberately sets out to deceive or betray. But too many of us are overly invested in the idea that we are nice people who will always do the right thing. NEWSFLASH: you're not. You're human and tomorrow you might meet someone who turns your world upside down. Even if you're not looking. Even if you resist. That's real life.

And how much time have you actually spent on Mumsnet?!

Usually were derided for telling everyone to LTB, but according to you, we're fixated in women staying in unhappy relationships.

Um, I don't think so.

Justaboy I was quoting and responding to House, I thought my post made it perfectly clear that I was disagreeing with that statement, but for the avoidance of any doubt I will reiterate - affairs do not a happy marriage make and I doubt House's assertion that they do, is that clear enough?

Oops sorry Justaboy MN has been missing words/sentences out on my computer and didn't include the last line of your post until I refreshed - please accept my apologies for jumping too soon.

emotionsecho Your are forgiven;) I've had similar things happen to this machine and its a full size PC gawd knows what its like to use a phone to post on!.

Thanks Justaboy, it is weird odd words disappear but at least you can still make sense of what is said but when whole sentences or paragraphs go you can easily make a fool of yourself (like what I just did).

emotionsecho err yes, I've had my head bitten a bit in another post elsewhere 'cos of that?.