How have I found myself in this situation...need someone to listen

[Thisisme85]

[Some details removed by MNHQ to protect privacy of OP]

Where to start...

I have been with my DH for [removed by MNHQ] and [removed by MNHQ], we met at university and have set up a beautiful life together. Recently moved into our dream forever home and were try to conceive.

My DH is such an amazing man, truly is the nicest people anyone will meet. But I have found myself in a situation where I am in love with another man. I can barely type the word affair, but yes that is what it is.

Trying to keep this brief...I got talking to a guy from work. I had very briefly seen him round the office but that was it and didn't take any notice of him. It was the end of the night and I ended up sitting with his team and chatting for a couple of hours. Literally me and him just so engrossed in each others conversation we didn't notice anyone else. We spoke about our other halves (he is married also) and how we were both trying to conceive. It felt good to speak to someone else about it and especially a man to get his view. When I got back to my room that night I remember thinking how easy it was to talk to him and how attracted I was to him. But it never once crossed my mind to take action on it.

The days roiled on and emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual. We were both so drawn to each others personalities that we wanted to talk to each other all the time. During work time we would meet with each other for the odd afternoon drink and catch up. It was during this friendship stage he told me the day he found out that his wife had successfully got pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them.

However, after a while we ended up admitting to each other how much we were attracted to each other. I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets. He is an amazing man and as I got to know him, I realised how much I loved him. After a while we slept with each other and we both told each other we loved each other.

It has been a couple of months since then and we see each other as much as we can, talk and text as much as we can also. However it pains me to know I can't have him...he is my perfect fit in everyway. I very often get upset at the idea of mourning what could have been with us to if we'd met 11 years ago. We talk a lot about this and he feels the same, but we have found ourselves in this situation and weren't looking for it.

I know people will struggle with my story, but I need some support. I know he won't leave his wife and neither do I want him too, my guilt is always for our partners. But we can't stop this pull to each other. I truly love him but I love my current life.

I suppose I need someone to tell me what already know but as no one else knows this I have found myself here.

I suspect the OP isn't coming back, but I always find it telling how people who fail to take responsibility for their own actions express themselves:

"I found myself here"
"Messages were exchanged"

Like they're not the ones doing it.

Rice absolving themselves of guilt/blame shows just how pathetic they are.

Aww, what a lovely story! Sounds real to me.

What would you like to happen, OP? Continue as you are? Of course you can't keep your hands off each other - true love just came along!

Firstly, I would like to thank you all sincerely for taking the time to read and also comment on my story.

I knew fully well that the majority of the comments would be things I would be scared of reading as I have been living in a deluded naïve little world of deceit and deception and ignoring the situation itself. But that is the reason why I originally posted.

I am not the victim, I know that. But I needed another person to tell me what I would tell somebody else if I was looking in and bring this to life. I have got lost in this little 'story' of mine and had no regard for anyone else.

I am a bad person and have made some really bad mistakes and I am aware that this admission will not pacify anyone's opinion. I am not looking for that otherwise I wouldn't have posted on here.

I just need to stop this whole situation and stop seeing OM. I do have an amazing DH and I have overlooked him for this horrid period in my life (self inflicted which I take responsibility for).

Also to clear things up, we have not been TTC since this started and my husband and I have built our life together 50 / 50 financially. Just wanted to address those comments.

As for the victims in this, I will make this right going forward but I cannot take back what has been done (although I desperately want to), I just hope the damage does not get through to those victims.

I once again thank you for your comments, harsh and all.

OP, I don't know if you have read any of the threads on this board where a wife/partner, often pregnant or with a new baby, is utterly devastated when she finds out about her husbands sordid little affair. If not, you really should. That is what is happening here. Not an epic tale of forbidden love, but a grubby man who isn't getting 'his needs ' serviced at home so he goes and finds an equally grubby woman willing to fill in for the time being.
Read the threads, and think about what your selfishness is doing to other people, and to yourself - I am sure you would like to think of yourself as a decent person, but you must know that a decent person wouldn't do this.

By the way, you say that ' emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual .'
Stop kidding yourself - messaging each other all day and night is inappropriate, regardless of the content. You knew what you were doing and you chose to keep on doing it.

Are you going to do the right thing and own up to your husband? Or force him to live a lie?

Thisisme85 Well you know what to do and that's stop all contact and that way damage will be limited between you and him. You can contain the affair and keep it to yourself you don't need to tell anyone that's the best amends to make. just STOP.

Unless this has gone further than you imply, has someone just found out something?.

I hope you stick to this.

So after having ignored and excluded your dh from your life - texting, messaging, sharing your thoughts and body with someone else because it was what you wanted - you are just going to return to him as if he is some kind of consolation prize?

You really are a piece of work aren't you?

You made the choices you did, your dh had no say in the matter and now you are choosing not to let him have any choice in whether or not he wants to continue to be with someone who has so utterly and callously betrayed him. Would you want to live with someone who had done that to you? Would you at least want the option of deciding whether you did or not?

You cannot 'make this right' without coming clean and giving your dh the right to chose what he wants to do. You are selfishly making all the decisions (as you have done up to now) without any thought for anyone but yourself.

Yes you absolutely need to tell your DH & let him decide for himself if he wishes to remain with someone like you.

Overlooked your husband?

OVERLOOKED?

You simply can't be for real. You have cheated on him, betrayed him, cuckolded him, lied to him and wasted his time.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. You owe him that much.

Let him live his life without you superglued to it. Let him be free of you and your lies.

I couldn't live with the guilt if I cheated on dp and then changed my mind and decided to stay with him and carry on with our plans

Of course if you tell him he may finish with you but I guess that you took that risk when you shagged someone else

Your DH deserves better than you.

Read this. therumpus.net/2012/02/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-96-the-dark-cocoon/

Stop thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstance. You are tremendously fortunate, you have happiness at home, and have found joy outside of this too. You are being greedy and you know this. There is pain either way and you know it. You are having an affair and there is no justification for the cruelty. On some level you are both afraid of jumping feet first into the next stage of life. You need to see a counsellor to get some real life for support for the next stage which is to finish with the OM or to leave your marriage. You will be tempted to do nothing and continue both until something happens. Don't. Judging from your post you will though. And it will destroy everyone. See you in a terrible terrible year.

Also stop thinking of yourself as a bad person. That is allowing you to do this. You are actually right that you need a certain amount of support so you can believe in yourself as a good person and commit whole-heartedly to what sounds like a good marriage.

Please stop.

Another one thinking WTF, overlooked your husband??! How the actual fuck exactly does that happen? The time I was lucky enough to spend with my DH, I didn't even notice another bloke, let alone OVERLOOK my DH. Probably because I didn't just settle for the first bloke who asked, as the means to an end towards making a "lovely life".

So you just stopped TTC while you had an affair with the OM?

What did you tell your DH?

Are you now planning to leave your job so as to completely cut ties with the OM (this is what my friend did, and they didn't even have sex)?

Are you going to go back to TTCing...?

What are you going to tell your DH?

You really have no intentions to conceive, and I would recommend you didn't try with your current partner. How do you square this circle in your supposed charmed life?

You can't. Can you?

Shit happens. Mistakes happen. You don't need to beat yourself up, just cut contact totally and sob for two weeks and then build yourself back up. The end. You're not a bad evil person. Everything is fine. You will need to cut contact totally and build yourself back up slowly and hopefully you will be able to start rebuilding a connection with your husband again. Relax.

I think she is genuinely repentant and realises shes made a HUGE mistake. the problems what to do now after this sorry event. I'm thinking as a "wronged husband" how I'd feel, one part says what I didn't know won't hurt and the other is so you shagged another bloke you f* B**th etc and i'd never feel able to trust her ever again. Seems they had a good marriage in the first place so that's a lot to breakup and two other innocent parties will be hurt badly too.

I bet her bloke would be forgiving as he sounds so decent but until he's told who will know how he will react. If she doesn't tell then shes got to live knowing that, and that's a punishment of sorts. Course what about the OW in all this i expect she will get to hear about it so that's their marriage ruined as well.

A very difficult call.!.

It's not even just that she cheated it's this whole forbidden love / we are soul mates but it can't be bollocks that I find infuriating !

seems to me the whole myth of "the one" and "happy ever after" is still being pedalled so when the marriage gets a bit mundane that instantly means there must be something wrong . So many women act as though they would never look at another man . Bollocks !! its fine to look!! It's normal to find other people attractive even if your married . It's called biology !

Because you find yourself with a crush on someone new and exciting does not mean you should destroy two marriages over what is essentially infatuation .

Well it's tough luck because you didn't meet 11 years ago. You need to get a grip and stop the bullshit patter about not being able to stop the pull towards each other, you aren't really magnets you are grown adults who need to stop this now. One of you needs to look for another job. You need to change both your numbers and stay away from each other. This isn't just about you two anymore, or hurting your partners, there's going to be a new baby involved.

Fwiw you clearly don't love your life or you wouldn't be doing this. I'm also questioning your feelings towards your husband and feel he deserves better. As does the other man's wife.

The victims in this are already damaged they just don't know it.

Both the respective cheated on spouses are living with and loving people they think they know but don't.

The victims think they can trust their respective spouses, they can't.

The victims think their respective spouses love only them, they don't.

The victims think their respective spouses think they are the perfect fit and first choice, that's not true as their respective spouses believe they are a perfect fit with each other and would have chosen differently if circumstances had been different.

The victims respective spouses have allowed them to live a lie not of their choosing and are condemning them to continue in that vein.

The fairest thing to do would be to give the victims the fully informed choice as to whether or not to continue their current relationships, but I doubt either of the protaganists in this story have the courage or decency to do that, everything is about them and their choices and wants.