How have I found myself in this situation...need someone to listen

[Thisisme85]

[Some details removed by MNHQ to protect privacy of OP]

Where to start...

I have been with my DH for [removed by MNHQ] and [removed by MNHQ], we met at university and have set up a beautiful life together. Recently moved into our dream forever home and were try to conceive.

My DH is such an amazing man, truly is the nicest people anyone will meet. But I have found myself in a situation where I am in love with another man. I can barely type the word affair, but yes that is what it is.

Trying to keep this brief...I got talking to a guy from work. I had very briefly seen him round the office but that was it and didn't take any notice of him. It was the end of the night and I ended up sitting with his team and chatting for a couple of hours. Literally me and him just so engrossed in each others conversation we didn't notice anyone else. We spoke about our other halves (he is married also) and how we were both trying to conceive. It felt good to speak to someone else about it and especially a man to get his view. When I got back to my room that night I remember thinking how easy it was to talk to him and how attracted I was to him. But it never once crossed my mind to take action on it.

The days roiled on and emails and texts were being exchanged. Not occasionally but continuously into the night and all day. But not once was it inappropriate or sexual. We were both so drawn to each others personalities that we wanted to talk to each other all the time. During work time we would meet with each other for the odd afternoon drink and catch up. It was during this friendship stage he told me the day he found out that his wife had successfully got pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them.

However, after a while we ended up admitting to each other how much we were attracted to each other. I wouldn't explain it as attraction only but two magnets. He is an amazing man and as I got to know him, I realised how much I loved him. After a while we slept with each other and we both told each other we loved each other.

It has been a couple of months since then and we see each other as much as we can, talk and text as much as we can also. However it pains me to know I can't have him...he is my perfect fit in everyway. I very often get upset at the idea of mourning what could have been with us to if we'd met 11 years ago. We talk a lot about this and he feels the same, but we have found ourselves in this situation and weren't looking for it.

I know people will struggle with my story, but I need some support. I know he won't leave his wife and neither do I want him too, my guilt is always for our partners. But we can't stop this pull to each other. I truly love him but I love my current life.

I suppose I need someone to tell me what already know but as no one else knows this I have found myself here.

I don't get this 'we can't stop it', yes, yes you can.

If you don't want to stop it, don't, but at least have the decency to tell your poor, unsuspecting and non deserving husband.

I can't help wondering if his poor wife is a mumsnetter. That's an actual real person you are fucking over and she could be your friend on here, OP. Think on OP. You're acting like a twat.

You describe this as some amazing love story. It's not. This is the usual story behind every affair. This isn't different or special this is bog-standard.

Boy meets girl, they become friends, they text/message, boy or girl is flattered, tests boundaries a couple of times, crossing boundaries becomes the norm, declarations of forbidden love, sex with lots of heat and angst, desperate "we want to but we can't" messages.

It's all a normal affair. But everyone involved thinks they're different, and theirs is a true and pure love. It's not. You're going to destroy all your loved ones and people are going to hate what you have done.

He is a particular shit for putting effort into meeting and shagging you, when his wife clearly needed him, and you're not great for letting him do that. All that time and effort he spent on you? She deserved that. She needed that. And you made her life harder by taking her support away.

Leave him. Do it now and retain the shred of dignity you have left. This really isn't a love story.

Getting married is no inoculation against being attracted to other people or developing stupid little crushes. Given that the existence of 'the One' or 'soulmates' is a romantic myth, it is perfectly likely that you will meet other people in your lifetime who you realise that you could have happily married.

But you didn't marry him.

You made a choice to marry another man, and you presumably made that choice for good reasons.

So instead of allowing yourself to wallow in your crush to the extent that you end up behaving in a deceitful, dishonest and downright unpleasant manner you give yourself a stern talking to, you avoid being in a situation where the crush can develop into a relationship, and you have a good think about what it is telling you that is missing from your current relationship and what you can do to improve that.

Or you divorce your husband and let him find love with someone less selfish and more honest.

This isn't some great romance, it's two grubby people having a grubby affair at work.

You're a walking cliché.

Eugh.

You were beyond wrong to start this affair. You're not going to have a 'happy ever after' life with your married man.
Finish the affair, cut all contact and do the decent thing by your H.
I bloody hope your not still trying to conceive.

So he chatted you up and started sneaking around having sex with you while his wife is pregnant, after what must be a long and arduous ordeal with IVF?

He sounds like a lovely man and a prize catch. Well done you

I know people will struggle with my story - no, don't struggle with it at all, you're just missing the obvious. You either love your DH and your marriage more than this other man or you don't - if you do then cut all contact with the other man where possible and concentrate on your DH, if you don't then admit it and divorce your DH as you obviously want something more and you can leave your DH free to find someone who wants him more than anyone else. Only then can you see if other man wants to make the same choice, if not then forget him and look for someone or something that you DO want more than anyone else. I know it's painful to do but it couldn't be simpler.

Either stop the affair or leave your husband. Unless you all fancy living in a polygamous commune? No? Didn't think so.

Don't give up the day job

Poor. Very poor.

You need to cut all contact with him immediately.

This is no great love story.

I would liken it to addiction. You find it exciting, it makes you feel good and desired and desirable. You obviously want more. But it's a myth and it will never be enough. When the feelings wear off (when you're back home with poor dh) you will be craving your next fix. It's a vicious circle.

The only way out is

1. to dump your dh, and the OM dumps his pregnant wife. (Then the excitement will wear off anyway, no relationship keeps the forbidden fruit excitement long term. None at all).
2. Or you dump the OM and never have contact again. Because any contact will be a sniff of your addiction and set your cravings off again. And clearly you are not strong enough to resist the cravings.

You don't give up cigarettes or booze by keeping a packet of 20 B&H and a bottle of vodka in your handbag. The only way is to not have any.

OP you sound amazingly selfish. I hear lots of 'woe is me' in your post and lots of romanticizing what is actually just a standard grubby office affair, but very little thought at all for your DH and this man's poor pregnant wife. I can only hope you are at least putting TTC with your husband on hold whilst you sort this.

The only advice I can give you is that this affair needs to stop NOW. You are risking ruining so many lives. It's only a matter of time before one of you get caught. I bet other people at work have already clocked how much time you both spend together. Start applying for other jobs / ask for a department transfer and delete this man's number from your phone and from your life. Stop kidding yourself that 'you can't help yourselves' (boak). If you won't do this (note the word won't not can't) then come clean to your husband and end your marriage.

You've said your husband is a lovely man,then do the right thing by him and leave,let him find love with someone that truly loves him.

You've said you love the other man but love your life as it is,that is so so selfish.Please stop trying for a child with your poor husband it wouldn't be fair on the child or on him.Anyone that is a parent will tell you that once you become a parent you can't live a life full of me,me,me and from what you've posted that's all I've heard.

I hope the other selfish idiot that is going to become a parent either sorts himself out,stops acting like a spoilt prick and steps up and becomes the husband and father that his wife and unborn child deserves or he fucks off and his wife goes onto meet someone that's worth hers and her childs love.

I know he won't leave his wife - because he prefers her and you are his bit on the side. Get a grip and end it.

What will you do if you find out next week that you are pg?

You will not know which man is the father.

Then you get to choose to lie to your dh forever. When he holds your baby you will be wondering the whole time if it really is his. When you mil holds her darling gc, you'll be wondering if it is her gc.

Or you tell him when you're pg, or after the birth, find out for sure, and hope he doesn't dump you, and you have to cope with a newborn on your own, knowing your stupid and selfish behaviour has potentially denied 2 children their father

I can not get my head around how you have 'found yourself in this situation'? Surely you have thought about it in more depth and realised the choices you have made? Why have you made these choices? You need to take a good long look at YOURSELF here OP. Something sounds like it's going very very wrong in your head.

I don't have a very good trolldar but a lot of people are suggesting you're not real? Never understand WhyTF anyone would bother doing this...!

Anyway. You are being selfish and totally self indulgent. Both you and OM are knowingly conducting this affair whilst his DW is pregnant and you're ttc with your poor H too.
How can you carry it on knowing there are babies being brought into this fucking mess?

The only decent thing now would be to leave poor DH or stop the affair. Preferably stop the affair and tell DH anyway, so he knows whether he wants to continue ttc with his cheating wife.
The only reason you won't do this is selfishness and self protection.
It's entirely up to you to do the right thing here on in.

Stop romanticising this. It's an affair. You're not fucking magnets.

time to end your marriage.

Not for this man but out of respect for your DH and because you obviously don't love him if you can do this. Or at least your not in love with him.

Separate and then meet a man who is free to love you as you love him.

Mills and Boon it ain't

I struggle how you both ended up in bed after he told you of the "joy" of the pregnancy. How can you both talk about something like that, then go for a shag.

He is not perfect otherwise he wouldnt have shagged you behind his wife's back.

You arent a very nice person otherwise you wouldnt have done it behind your DH's back.

You've traded in a, in your words, an amazing man, for a man who uses you for a cheap fuck and goes back to his to tell her how happy he is about the baby.

Talizorah - that's because 2+2=7

Whoosh, talking as if the OP is genuine.

If not, 50 shades had a better plot.

Sometimes long term relationships can get boring , not as exciting . Other people suddenly look like a new and exciting option, It's ok to admit and acknowledge this . It is normal

However ... Don't fool yourself this guy is your soul mate and all that shit . He's really not . He's married and all the while getting to know you his wife is going through ivf . Really? You see yourself with THIS guy

Work on your marriage. Cut this guy off NO good will come of this seriously ! A few months with him out the picture and you puttin 100% into your marriage and you will forget all about him .

A