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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 27/09/2015 14:20

Bitter The business is run as a sole trader. He does his accounts as a sole trader and pays me a small monthly wage.
I am able to sign cheques .
Our business is very small, with a small turnover and not usually a great profit. As I said before its very niche,about him, so no h, no business iyswim.
It just about funds our modest lifestyle and pays a mortgage.

OP posts:
Learningtoletgo · 27/09/2015 14:50

Keeping the keys is a genius idea. When he asks to have them, ask where he's going and then say' oh good I think I'll ride along'. Don't be put off by excuses just get in the car. He's trying to force you into being the bad guy, turn it round on him.

I'd start getting things in order. Keep the car keys, get the financial paperwork and keep the online bank details. Then you hold all the right cards to make decisions when you want to.

kestrell · 27/09/2015 15:07

you need to take a deep breath and work out what you are going to say and confront him sooner rather than later but don't be hasty, calm down first. however the longer you put it off the harder it will be. but make sure you collate the evidence and work out what you will say before as he will likely deny it.

my ex from a while back cheated on me i didnt want to believe it and avoided saying anything. months went by.... don't let him take you for a ride.

good luck and sorry to hear he has done this too you.

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 15:15

The business is run as a sole trader. He does his accounts as a sole trader and pays me a small monthly wage

perhaps he plans to just sack his one employee and then carry on his business on as normal?

cozietoesie · 27/09/2015 15:26

You're managing to stay very calm on the surface even though I'm guessing you didnt sleep a wink. I fear that I would have loaded for bear and gone for the confrontation.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/09/2015 15:36

What a cowardly prick he is.

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

thehousewife · 27/09/2015 15:38

Make sure you think smarter than him!!! What a wanker!!!!! Xxx

Original poster
Iseeall · 27/09/2015 15:40

cozie Not calm inside. A nervous wreck really. I'm acting like i've never acted before.
didn't sleep much last night and can barely eat, drinking gallons of tea though.
It feels like we are both acting. Still plan on confronting him tomorrow, when we are alone and without distractions.
I'm taking comfort in all the kind messages being posted

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/09/2015 15:54

Tea is good. Make sure you at least try to eat, though. You need the calories at these times.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/09/2015 16:09

I'd make sure you have copies of the business accounts for the last year or so, if you can. If you separate and have any financial disagreements, it's beneficial to have the information to hand, in case he tries to seriously downplay his income to put you at a disadvantage. You said your children are older, so I imagine child maintenance isn't a concern, but if you share a mortgage, then finances will pop up at some point for discussion.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2015 16:19

But you are both acting. He thinks you don't know he's acting, you think (hope) he doesn't know you are. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It at least creates a false calm until you can get your head together. Sort of like the calm before the storm. People use that calm to gather supplies and make plans to ride out the storm safely (or evacuate, as the case may be). That's what you should be doing (if you aren't already). Are you not my business obvs?

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 16:33

he probably thinks she might know (given the deliberate clues) and he may therefore think that she thinks that he knows she might know

bluff and double bluffConfused

goddessofsmallthings · 27/09/2015 17:04

Use the calm to batten down your emotional hatches so that you can face him the storm with icy calm and sublime indiffference.

As said yesterday, keep the original boarding ticket in a safe place, present him with a photocopy together with the airport receipt for condoms, and tell him to leave so that you can have time and space to consider your options.

There's no more to be said at this time than the above and I have no doubt you will carry it off with an aplomb that will take the wind out of his sails.

Wish I could be a fly on the wall to watch the jumped up attention seeking twunt deflate and slink off with your boot up his arse. Angry

Any chance you could set up a webcam, record the scene, and upload it to youtube? Grin

brokenhearted55a · 27/09/2015 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pizzaeatingmonkey · 27/09/2015 17:26

I am getting worried dear OP, people keep saying for you to get copies of all relevant paperwork but you haven't said you've sorted that yet...it really is a priority!

Greengardenpixie · 27/09/2015 17:54

Just curious. What age are you both? Did you get together when you were young?

Original poster
Iseeall · 27/09/2015 18:04

Answers to a few questions
I'm 50 he's 58.
Yes I have paperwork in hand as it were. But thanks for asking.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2015 18:09

Hoping OP has taken herself off to a friend's or family's for the day.

And hoping that everything is as OK as it can be.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 27/09/2015 23:58

Hope you're ok Flowers

Callyourselfapilot · 28/09/2015 04:52

Will be thinking of you today, all of the ladies' advice on here has been spot on. Courage.

toastyarmadillo · 28/09/2015 05:57

Copy any important paperwork BEFORE you confront him, anything that could be useful for proving family financial state and what accounts are held etc

Arkkorox · 28/09/2015 06:14

I'm so sorry op. What a shit he is.

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 09:37

I've confronted him. Just said I know

He is denying and demanding evidence.
I told him to pack and go.

He's talking a business call at the moment.
He's calling my bluff about evidence and won't confess.
I've said I won't be the bad guy in all this. He can leave and I'll show dc the evidence as well.
He keeps saying I have nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 09:38

Give me some strong words to say I'm at a loss

OP posts:
Spidermumdissapointed · 28/09/2015 09:39

Will you show him the copies of the boarding cards now or keep them for later?

Stay as calm as you can, you are strong.

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