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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
mulranna · 28/09/2015 09:40

Well done. You sound really decisive and in control.

Did he want to ave his cake and eat it ? Did he not think thru the consequences.

He will lie and lie and deny and deny and minimise and minimise - believe NOTHING he says.

Let him stew.

You have nothing more to say to him.

How do you feel?

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 09:43

Really don't want to show evidence if I can help it. I kind of feel stronger having it stashed away.
He brining up stuff from the past,I think that's to distract.

OP posts:
suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 09:43

Well done Isee, how do you feel?
Have you decided how you're going to play it?
He'll be wracking his brains trying to figure out what you know...are you going to put your cards on the table or keep them hidden? ?

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 09:46

Yes he wants to know if i had a phone call or letter. I said tell me, did I..
We're be going in circles for just under an hour.
My heart is pounding

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 09:50

He is in more of a panic than you are because he doesn't know what you know or how you found out, you have all the power here.

However he is cornered, he may behave unpredictably
are you at all concerned for your physical safety, might he be violent or try to intimidate you? ?

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbie1 · 28/09/2015 09:52

The worst is done. You have confronted him and now leave him alone with his thoughts on how to get himself out of this mess.

Can you get out on your own for a coffee or something while he is stewing over his next move. Gives you time to clear your head a little?

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 09:54

does he suspect that you know who the OW is?

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 09:56

you have an online team of helpers

he doesnt have anyone to help him calm down and think clearly

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2015 09:59

I would tell him about the boarding card, condom, etc...
And tell him they are with your solicitor.
See how he reacts then!

YellowTulips · 28/09/2015 09:59

By asking email/letter he's actually admitted it if you think logically.

That said you don't really have to prove anything. You are not in Crown Court.

I'd simply say "I don't have to show you my evidence, all you need to know is that I have it. Quite frankly I'd rather not show you to stop you having the opportunity to insult us both further by coming up with some ridiculous excuse to vindicate yourself. You can deny as much as you want but each time you do you make it that much harder. So why are you lying? You think I'll roll over and say ok fine it didn't happen and we go back to normal? Not gonna happen. So you can choose to leave and be with her and pack your bags now, or you can come clean and we can see if there is any possibility of saving our marriage."

rockabillyruby82 · 28/09/2015 10:00

I think you could do with some RL moral support here. I think you and us believed he'd confess.
Did you get round to copying the boarding pass? If not I'd say don't show him, he could get into a temper and take it from you.

If you can, leave

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 28/09/2015 10:01

What a knob.

I'd guess he's trying to find out how much you know before admitting anything.

mulranna · 28/09/2015 10:01

I would nt give him the pleasure of showing him what you have he will be worried about a million things that could have caught him out - let him suffer.

You have nothing to prove to him - you dont have to present evidence -- that his his job the ball is in his court.

How he reacts now will show you his true colours.

What do you want? and what do you need out of this?

You are doing brilliantly - enough done for today - pat on the back - take a walk, break, whatever.

Do you have the paperwork?

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 10:01

Yes he has already mentioned ow by name.
He's still taunting me about evidence.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 28/09/2015 10:01

As he's the master at stonewalling you, let him have a taste of his own medicine - ie minimal statements, no discussion. Say barely anything at all except minimal statements. Walk away if he kicks off: uninterested, deaf. Don't be emotional, or don't let him see your emotions. Be a blank board. Treat him with the disdain he deserves.

Easy to say! But you have the trump cards: the evidence.

You're doing well, well done girl. Were rooting for you iseeal Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2015 10:06

He can't taunt you about the evidence.
You HAVE it - that's all he needs to know.
I'd take myself off for a walk now.
Parting shot.
'I'm going out and will be back later, you better be ready to tell me the truth'
Then walk out.
If it's as nice as it is here it's a lovely day for a walk.
Get out of the house the atmosphere.
Don't keep dignifying him with a response. He doesn't deserve it.
Let him sweat!

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:07

taunting you?
how fucking dare he
dont rise to it
dont give him anything
he should be grovelling and begging
you can destroy him

regretsihaveafew · 28/09/2015 10:07

Keep your own counsel. Don't tell him what you know and have. Keep your dignity, say little. let him stew. Go out, act differently, subtle wry smiles, pitying looks.

Ignore and disturb his life as he has disturbed yours. Good luck.

Fairiesarereal · 28/09/2015 10:08

I've been following from the start and just wanted to say don't show him what evidence you have, let him squirm for a lot longer yet.

Stay strong Flowers

mulranna · 28/09/2015 10:08

He is being controlling and abusive by gas lighting you.

You have the power - keep it - keep calm and walk away.

He does not deserve your emotional energy.

It does nt matter if he confesses to it all, some of it or denies it all -- YOU KNOW ALL THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Dont get dragged into his drama. Keep dignified and walk away.

You need to pace your self here -- you have months and months of extreme stress ahead of you.

Protect your self emotionally - do not get drawn in to let him continue to abuse and humiliate you.

Keep strong , distant and determined.

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:10

He carelessly leaves evidence around
Denies it when confronted
He really thinks he's king of the hill doesn't he?

suspect you are well rid of this snake

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 10:10

I was hoping he'd confess this is looking like it's going to be long drawn out. It's making me nervous.
The fact he asked did I get a call or letter , wish I'd handled that better.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 10:11

He has technically already admitted it, he is just not clever enough to realise it. When he asked if you had gotten a letter or phone call, he Is basically saying that there is someone else as who else would call or write you a letter.

At this point, you know he is lying, and you know he will continue to lie. Next he will admit to n emotional affair or that some psycho woman won't leave him alone but that he has not cheated or had sex. I think you already know this isn't true either. He will only admit to as little as possible - that is why he is demanding to know what evidence you have, so he can twist his story to fit it.

If you have already decided to separate, this is a good time to disengage. Tell him to move out, and get your plans organised as to what you are going to do next. The next few days are going to be frustrating as he will go by the script... Anger, denial, admitting a little and being all teary, then anger again that his tears aren't working and you aren't falling into line, then blaming the woman to try to redirect your anger at her instead of him, then possibly a foray into suicidal threats, then he will get nasty. Standard really.