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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 21:35

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 21:36

goddess I really do want say something but its not the right time.
It's killing me sitting here, with every brief word snapped at me, like I say ,I can sense the snappy anger in his voice.
He sounds as guilty as he is..

OP posts:
springydaffs · 26/09/2015 21:36

Anger? What, that you stood up to him via Lundy and he's having the mother of all sulks?

Bloody hell. He's some piece of work Hmm

springydaffs · 26/09/2015 21:43

Guilty? Er.. doesn't sound, or behave, guilty to me??
You mean 'guilty' as in he's guilty of the crime? Why would that make him angry and snappy?

Love, he's horrible. I think you're humanising too much..

Oh please, feign a headache and go upstairs to get away from his horrible, horrible manipulations. It's torture to read about this let alone live it ((hug))

brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 21:43

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DragonsCanHop · 26/09/2015 21:47

Yes it is broken

I've changed my mind, don't bother with packing him a bag. Show him the boarding pass (don't give it to him) chuck the condoms at him and then tell him to get out.

You can do it

brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 21:50

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lorelei9 · 26/09/2015 21:50

Iseeall "Did get a glance at the front of his phone, yes she is messaging him. It's all so weird, like he wants me to confront him."

you know what? I think he does. Whether or not you want or feel able to put it off so that he is forced to spit it out....I know someone who got an "anonymous" text sent to his wife to out his affair because he didn't want to say the words. I told her at the time - she was pondering who the person was who sent it - I said "It's him" - and a few months later he admitted it was him. All because he was too cowardly to say "I've met someone else and I'm leaving you". FFS.

daiseehope · 26/09/2015 21:54

God this is a horrid situation. I would probably go to bed tbh. Actually no, tbh I would've punched him by now which would not help at all. I admire you OP, you are remarkably calm, stay strong! Xxxxx

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 21:57

I'm fighting back tears just to function normally. Have gone to bed now. Left him with his phone and iPad.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 22:03

What an absolute cunt! Sounds like he hasn't the guts to finish it and you should do it first, when you're ready. Hope you manage to sleep OK.

CantAffordtoLive · 26/09/2015 22:06

I've not been in this position but I feel for you. My ex was very manipulative. I found paracetamol helped to calm me. I so wish there was a tablet to ease emotional pain. Flowers

You have so much support here. Please try to hang on. Don't let him get the upper hand. Knowing what I know now (bitter) I would be planning on emptying the bank account!

springydaffs · 26/09/2015 22:10

Oh love Flowers

You need him out of your space so you can settle/come to terms with this. Can you, calmly (I know, I know), 'ask' him to leave? Your home is your haven, you can't settle and lick your wounds, come to terms, with him cranking up the tension. It looks like he's gearing up to blame YOU for this! Shock

I do fear he may drag you over the coals with this. Love, keep yourself safe, you've had one hell of a shock Flowers

TPel · 26/09/2015 22:13

I'm sorry you are going through this, (been there etc etc).
I hope you get some sleep.

rockabillyruby82 · 26/09/2015 22:23

I've been following this all afternoon. Your H is a bell end!!
But I think you're right to wait, if you say something now you'll become emotional and you will probably forget what you want to say. Much better if you're calm.
And his angry? Probably because he wants to be with OW, start this now and he'll go to her which is what he wants. Make the bastard stew!!
I'm so sorry you're doing this on your own but as pp have said, there is a huge community of support right here.
I'm on a night shift, if you can't sleep and need a chat PM me

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 22:29

Rockerbilly , you could be right.
I hadn't thought of that.
As I said earlier our business is run from home mostly and we have one car.
I have plans every day next week that I'll need the car for. He won't have use of it.
I'm not playing his games

OP posts:
Starkswillriseagain · 26/09/2015 22:40

What a cock. OP get all the evidence you can before you confront him so if hopefully when you kick his arse out divorce him, you can cite cheating and unreasonable behaviour.

When you do have it all, speak to him and ask him to confess before you confront with evidence. Then chuck him out and send her a message saying 'I've sent my sloppy seconds your way- enjoy.'

I'm sorry OP this must be heartbreaking and so very stressful.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2015 23:44

I honestly think he did want you to find out. He's probably pissed because you haven't confronted him after all his 'clues'. He wants you to kick his arse out so the marriage will be over and he can go to OW with a 'clear conscience'. He'll be able to believe that YOU were the one to end the marriage without accepting that the actual fault for it is totally his. What a prick.

I still say wait until you get financial ducks in a row & speak to a solicitor. It sounds as if everything you need about finances is at your fingertips and you do need to keep constant vigilance on all finances starting now. Monitor balances daily. Do you have your own bank account? You may want to consider transferring money into one right before you talk to him to tide you over until finances can get straighten out.

Please, please try to get angry. I know it's hard right now, but anger is your friend.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/09/2015 06:54

As AtP has said, anger can be your very best friend. Breathe it in, feel it puffing up your chest, and breathe it out to a count of 'How dare you do this to me'... and let him have both barrels at point blank range.

He's flushing 25 year of marriage down the toilet sewer of his lust for a grandmother whose knicker elastic is even looser than her morals. Angry Angry Angry Feel the smoke coming out of your ears and tell the deceitful fucker to pack a bag and fuck off out of your home.

So fucking what if he goes to her? All it will prove is that you married an alien who fooled you into thinking he was anything but the little prick dick led creature he's proved himself to be.

When your anger dissipates, start laughing at the ludicrous spectacle of him having undergone a comb make over in order to impress an ow who could never hope to emulate you in a year, let alone a month, of Sundays.

You're allowed to cry but don't let him misconstrue your tears as indication that he is so god's gift to women he has them fighting in the aisles over him.

toastyarmadillo · 27/09/2015 07:19

Thinking of you op. Just remember your worth so much more than him and the grass is rarely any green on the other side Flowers

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 27/09/2015 07:40

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TheStoic · 27/09/2015 09:45

Honestly, in this situation I would just say something like 'You can leave, you know. You don't need my permission, or for me to kick you out. Go and be with her if you want, nobody is stopping you.'

Donthate · 27/09/2015 09:58

You will be better off without him. It won't feel like it now but you will be.

LindyHemming · 27/09/2015 10:16

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Original poster
Iseeall · 27/09/2015 10:24

Hello
Didn't sleep well at all He came up hours after me and promptly fell asleep.
Was reading another thread on here about signs of cheating and someone mentions sat nav
Sure enough when I was dropping off one of the screen this morning I checked our sat nav and Bingo. Presumably her address. It's the right location.

OP posts: