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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 30/09/2015 23:25

Has Anyfucker posted on here at all?

Dowser · 01/10/2015 00:03

No and I've read the whole thread!

MagentaHaze · 01/10/2015 00:06

Adorabella I wondered exactly the same thing...

Moreshabbythanchic · 01/10/2015 00:10

Me too.....

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/10/2015 00:17

I've just searched. She definitely hasn't.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 00:31

I would also say wait until you speak to the solicitor, and don't do the changing locks thing. The only time that might even be a consideration is if you are in fear of your life from him; and that doesn't seem to be the case here. You have no legal right to bar him from his own home at this stage, and it can look bad for you if you try it.

Ditto with trashing his stuff. While it all seems like a great idea at the time, it's really demeaning in the long run - he's just not worth all that energy expenditure on your part. Moral high ground is the way to go.

"Fun" DH is just him desperately trying to gloss over what's happening, I think - basically ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. But at least you'll get a couple of days respite now!

Use it wisely - search for any paperwork that he might have put somewhere abnormal to hide it, that kind of thing. Photocopy whatever you can. There are some legal restrictions on what can be actually used in court, if your name isn't on it, you can't use it, I believe - but having the knowledge of what exactly is there will still help you in the long run.

And KOKO Thanks

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 00:34

What I will never understand is the line of logic that they use that says "You are not XYZ so I had to and find it" or "You are XYZ so I had to escape it", yet they dont want to divorce!

Why? As a PP said, if the wife so boring/frumpy/fat/independent/ career minded/confident then why do they want to stay married to someone who made them so unhappy that they sought solace elsewhere?! Never ceases to amaze me that they dont see the answer they seek in the very accusations they make!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 00:38

Well they don't want the upset of divorce, having to move, having to pay the wife money, all they want is the excitement of illicit sex with someone else, but still to have wifey at home doing all the donkey work. And they just don't see why they can't have that, why wifey might just take exception to it!

Inherent laziness and not wanting things to change too much seems to be a very common trait in these men. Plus if this one leaves the OP, he's going to have to find someone else to do all his paperwork, or Shock do it himself!

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 00:41

Ah yes, there is that.

After all, how can the poor wee poppet be expected to wash his own grundies, cook his own individual trifle and still have time to go out and be Gods Gift to all those slathering women? He was only born with one cock after all!

thequeenoftarts · 01/10/2015 00:44

Tell the bollix you don't do sloppy seconds xx

Joysmum · 01/10/2015 07:33

If women want him, is because they haven't seen through him yet. When they do, they'd do what you have done and reject him, unless they have no standards.

Learningtoletgo · 01/10/2015 09:06

This is a bit of a tangent so bear with me!

Was up late last night online food shopping (I know how to live Grin). Anyway on in the background was one of those Channel four documentaries where they look at taboo subjects and it was about people have sex with each other whilst others watched on through Web cams. Anyway it focused on married couples who like other people to watch them having sex, in particular there was one couple who had a whirlwind romance, got married and were looking to spice up their marriage (after 1 year Hmm). Anyway, they started off as seeing it as all very edgey and Oohh aren't we daring, but as time went on this daring became the new norm and you could visibly see the woman becoming bored. The bloke just looked a bit dopey and confused by her change in demeanor. The problem was where do they go next for thrills to keep this level of edginess alive. By the end of the programme she'd dumped the bloke and he was living in a caravan in his dad's back garden. He was depressed and confused, she'd moved on.

It got me thinking about your situation. Your ex (let's call him that now Grin) thinks he's all edgy and exciting because he's playing in a band, has groupies and is having sex with multiple women. The OW are probably getting a kick out of him being unavailable and the sneaking around, but once it's all out in the open its not exciting or edgy anymore. These women move on fast when the thrill is gone. Problem is your ex thinks that he is a thrilling fantastic catch that can enthrall these women just by being him. I think he's about to come down to earth with a bump when this latest OW dumps him because he's become boring and needy. He too will be relegated to the caravan he just can't see it yet. He's a walking cliché really.

Anyway musings over.

SlightlyJaded · 01/10/2015 09:09

From all that you've said, I honest believe that this idiot thinks it's all going to go away. Just 'blow over'.

suzannecaravan · 01/10/2015 10:02

Learningto very insightful!
It may well turn out to be the case that this chap has really misjudged the situation.
It's pretty easy for women in their 40's or so to find a man who's up for a bit of casual fun, the OW will find a replacement
But he's burned all his bridges

suzannecaravan · 01/10/2015 10:05

The dalliance with the OW has pumped up his ego and he he believes that he is a rock god
To her he may be just a disposable bit of fun

Original poster
Iseeall · 01/10/2015 10:38

As tempting as it is to change the locks on Monday the advice I was given yesterday by the solicitor was not to do that.
I can change the locks if he makes it categorically clear he is leaving permanently and takes his belongings. Or if he is violent I can get an urgent non molestation order against him and change the locks.

His business trip is not him leaving permanently and he has not been violent.

It was very much a case of you haven't done anything wrong so don't start now. Stay calm and see her Monday.

OP posts:
sparkle10 · 01/10/2015 11:09

Even with a non-mol order I wasn't allowed to change the locks. Needed an occupation order to do that and they are more difficult to get. That was 6 years ago though, things may have changed now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 11:09

Good advice from the sol. Make sure you keep that in mind at all times, as I'm sure you will :)

HellKitty · 01/10/2015 11:22

Iseeall, never mind all that. How fabulous is your hair? And how are you sleeping?

FredaMayor · 01/10/2015 12:13

IME in reality if Ex has left the home no-one would blame (let alone try to prosecute) a woman who is living on her own (or with her DC) who changed the locks for safety reasons. The rationale being that Ex's old keys could have fallen into anyone's hands and the OP is now responsible for the security of the occupants and the building. An issue may arise where Ex is requesting access for a particular purpose during which OP can arrange for someone else to be there as well or instead of her to supervise the visit.

In OP's case Ex has not left yet and OP possibly expects to be challenged if she changes the locks before he vacates. Hopefully the risk issue will become clearer for her in the coming days or weeks.

DreamingofSummer · 01/10/2015 12:46

Adorabella I wondered exactly the same thing...

Which is code for saying you think this is a spoof thread. If you think it, say it.

HellKitty · 01/10/2015 12:56

Oh crap. Really?

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 13:02

FFS, if you think its a fake thread then report to MNHQ!

Zucker · 01/10/2015 13:11

As if Anyfucker is the custodian of truth and fiction on this board! Maybe she just hasn't been arsed as there are so many of these threads about equally disgusting men.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/10/2015 14:33

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