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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
Nancyanne · 30/09/2015 12:53

I've just had a read of this for the first time (new to the site). My advice, as someone who has been thru this, would be to toughen up and quick. He has to leave the marital home. If he won't budge, then you may have to (I did), but you've got to carve up the finances carefully. If he has a bigger pension than you, you can get more money/assets than him, to compensate you for that. If you can't agree on the division of assets, you'll need a Separation Agreement" which will mean getting a solicitor each, at a cost of about £1500 each. It's a lot of money, but if you can't agree, this will be the only way to get what you are due. Regards the OW, I wonder whether her daughter and Mum know she has been sleeping with a married man? Just to be sure, I'd slip over there at night and write on her car, in lipstick "I am fucking a married man, who has an STD". It won't damage the car, and it'll give you a lot of satisfaction. Imagine the neighbours! I'd also get glammed up and go out with some friends and pick up another guy. The way to get over a man is to get under another one! Oh and definitely tell everyone what he's done, because believe me, if he tells people, it will be a twisted version of events, in which you are at fault and he wasn't! Btw, it will all work out for the best. I am now re-married and could not be happier.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 12:55

Where are all these other women who want him? Surely one of them would be gagging to give him a new home. No takers? That's what happens when you're pushing 60 and still acting as if you're some kind of teenage rock god. Who's going to want to change his nappies when he's in his dotage? Grin

Have a leisurely sojourn at the hairdresser's. Maybe give consideration to a new style or colour? If they do facials have one and return home looking as rested and relaxed as if you haven't got a care in the world.

NeuNewNouveau · 30/09/2015 13:03

How were the kids OP?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 30/09/2015 13:15

I agree with telling others. I do not agree with doing anything juvenile to the OW's car or to "getting under another" man. Hmm Let's at least let the OP retain some dignity here. Her marriage has imploded days ago, so I think telling her to go shag someone else is not helpful right now. And doing anything to the OW is ridiculous - her husband has already admitted that he's had more than one affair. If it wasn't this OW, it'd be someone else. The OW is nobody special - she's just a receptacle for his cheating, as it were. Easily (and likely frequently) replaced. My mum had an expression "all cats look black in the dark".. as far as the OP's husband is concerned, that's probably the principle he is operating under. He's not that much concerned who the OW is, as long as there's one there for him. Not pretty, but then, neither is cheating.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/09/2015 13:18

Just remembered another gem from the adulterous H,
"If this had happened to me, I would have viewed it as a wake up call.”

Iseeall take the hair appointment as an opportunity to sit back and rest aqay from your bleating H.
It really isn't your fault.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2015 14:02

So within 2 days you are no longer a frumpy drudge and now exactly what he wants in a woman?
Dear lord the man is a total cock.
Have a nice relax at the hairdressers.

rainbowstardrops · 30/09/2015 14:13

Oh OP what an absolute shock for you to realise you've wasted so much time on such a bell-end Angry
You sound like you're handling it just great though! Stay strong FlowersStar

AgathaF · 30/09/2015 14:17

I totally agree that it would be pointless to lash out at the ow, and now is definitely not the time to rush out for a casual shag . However, you've been so dignified that I can't imagine you doing either of those things.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2015 14:32

You might not know it 'all', but you certainly know 'enough'. At this point, I wouldn't care to know more. Once you've made the decision to kick him to the kerb, why torture yourself?

He's really going all out isn't he? Careering around, veering from all your fault to your the woman for me? What an idiot. From here on out it should be sigh, eye roll and 'We've been through this before, I'm done talking unless you want to talk about when you're leaving'.

It must be wearing on you. Be strong. I think telling people will help. Maybe everyone knowing will shame him into leaving.

Wonder how recently OW broke up with her bf that she's that concerned about moving a new 'man' in? If they've split why would bf even care as long as the rent gets paid. Hmm, could it be that they aren't broken up but 'on a break'? Or that your D is her 'bit on the side' whilst she's trying to get the bf back? Not really important but it would be interesting to know the truth. Of course, it's probably just as simple as she doesn't want a man moving in with her children/grandchildren, and I don't blame her for that.

MerryMarigold · 30/09/2015 14:47

Even if there had never been an OW and no sex at all, his behaviour since you confronted him is dreadful. Enough to make you want to go.

ThirtyFivePounds · 30/09/2015 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dowser · 30/09/2015 15:04

Haven't read the full thread but e Carly what others said. Keep your dignity. Get All your financial documents sorted. You have to be your own detective. Go through everything with a fine tooth comb. Photocopy everything.

Look out for his lies. Note them. Back them up with evidence. It will get dirty.

Iwas married 30 years so Ido know what you are going through.

Breathe. Go for walks . Keep your cool .

You need your cool, clear business head on.

You can do this.

BerylStreep · 30/09/2015 15:40

At this point it is almost irrelevant what evidence you have, who told you, whether he actually shagged her or not. I agree that his behaviour since you confronted him (and actually before, with the silent treatment and short, angry responses) are enough reason alone to end things. I liked the pp's comment earlier along the lines of 'you've been having affairs, you don't want to be married to me, I no longer want to be married to you, so there is no point in discussing this further. You'll be hearing from my solicitor.' Rinse & repeat as required.

I bet you'll feel like a brand new woman once he's gone. Possibly a bit sad, but so much ahead of you.

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 15:50

Have you reached the 'cool' stage yet, Isee? (People sometimes start off feeling sick and shaky, then get angry but oftentimes they'll end up feeling icy cool.) What do you see now when you look at him?

LindyHemming · 30/09/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sodabreadjam · 30/09/2015 19:21

Exactly, Euphemia. As well as being a terrible example to set the DCs, it would probably make Isee feel a whole lot worse and give her (D)H lots of ammunition to chuck at her.

I doubt she would consider it anyway - finding another man will be the last thing on her mind at the moment.

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/09/2015 19:40

Hope you had a lovely long and relaxing hair appointment Isee

Dowser · 30/09/2015 20:04

Finally read or skimmed through the whole thread. You are doing amazing OP.

Believe in your power. I wish I'd been on mumsnet when I went through the hell of my marriage break up. What fun we could have had.

Your husband comes from the same genre of sleaze bag as mine.

I eventually ran rings round the stupid, pathetic toss pot.

You are doing the same. My excuse of a man even begged me to back off because....I was cleverer than him. His words. Yes, and you messed with me. My words.

He loved to win . Well me and my team tied him up in the intricate web of lies he'd spun for himself and so will you.

Enjoy reclaiming your power. My piece of doo doo's affair was only the tip of the ice berg.

I have a happy ending to my tale of woe. Last week I got married to a lovely man whom I've been with for 7 years. We got married in brilliant sunshine on the beach in the canaries surrounded by 25 family and friends and a host of well wishers who couldn't resist stopping by to watch the proceedings.

I really am so much happier than I was with my first husband. I wish the same for you too.

When you are with the right man you can keep feel the difference.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 30/09/2015 20:13

Thinking of you iseeall, how are the kids reacting?

Original poster
Iseeall · 30/09/2015 20:47

I have had 'fun h' back this afternoon/evening. ugh.
No knew revelations, I hope it's only two ow.
I'm in a bit of a lull until solicitors appointment. If things carry on as they are now I can put up with it.
He will be out friday and saturday gigging.
Best of all he is away next week working.

OP posts:
Louboutin37 · 30/09/2015 21:11

If I were in your shoes OP (and I was) I'd square up to him and say the following:-

"I thought I'd married a caring, responsible man who would love me until we're pushing up daisies. I was wrong. And this display you're putting on shows me clearly that you don't truly love me, you're not responsible and you're not a real man.

So kindly do me the decency of starting to think about how you will make the arrangements necessary to leave this marriage and move out so that I can start to process the hurt that you have caused me and try and piece my life back together.

There is no running away from this, no way you can expect me to take you back and if you don't start thinking about how to deal with the fallout from your selfish, immature actions then I will have no choice but to call upon your parents/my parents/your best mate to come over and talk you out of this house. Because it's apparent that you can't think and act like a reasonable adult under these circumstances."

Don't whatever you do try and separate whilst living under the same roof. I spent 9 months muddling along with that and it was hell

Muckogy · 30/09/2015 21:52

if he's away next week, you could change the locks and get one of his groupies to collect his stuff, left in bin bags outside your house.
however - prepare yourself for the fact that he may not go away next week in order to stay at home like a big lummox and be a dog in the manger.

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 22:03

No - you wouldn't be able to put up with it. It would be an impossible situation for you and the DCs.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2015 22:41

'Fun', eurgh! It's amazing how they seem to think that all they have to do is pretend. Reminds me of a little child who covers his eyes and says 'You can't see me!!!'.

Enjoy the lull, I hope it lasts. Just KOKO until the solicitor's appointment. It's good he'll be gone working, so once you've educated yourself you'll have free rein to gather documents and do whatever 'chores' the solicitor gives you without having to 'sneak around' (like someone we know, right?).

Bogeyface · 30/09/2015 23:16

if he's away next week, you could change the locks and get one of his groupies to collect his stuff, left in bin bags outside your house

And for him to get legal advice, walk right back in and unpack. Then the OP would be taken apart in the divorce because she did that.

My heart agrees with chucking his stuff onto OW's front garden. Head says slow and steady wins the race. Go with what the solicitors say. It can be frustratingly slow but there have been several cases on MN in the last year or so that prove that patience really is the best virtue when dealing with assholes like this.

WWK and MrsC I am looking at you!