Total shock

[Iseeall]

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

'You have affairs, you clearly don't want to be married to me, I don't want to be married to you, I don't understand why you're not just happy it's all over and we are going to get divorced'

I was wondering this too. I think some people want the respectable facade of married, children, happy families etc but want their mucky little jollies on the side as well. Yuck.

He won't discuss, just keeps repeating the same old stuff

wonder if he's being tutored in 'broken record technique' by some other blokes on a forum somewhere?:o

The sense of entitlement these arseholes display is amazing (I speak from bitter experience ).

He doesn't want to go because he didn't ever plan to leave. This OW is just his current play thing. He had plans on her being replaced at some point. Leaving his comfortable married life wasn't going to happen at all.

Good re the sollicitor on Monday.
And I'm pretty sure you taken a copy of all documents (wahes, bank statements etc...) already haven't you?

How are the dcs taking it all? Are they OK? Are you OK?

Can't you ring her and say look, I know all about it, I don't want him here, please come and get him because he won't leave.

That'll put the cat among the pigeons. She'll wonder why he doesn't want to run to her. She'll probably dump his arse too.

Yes I'm ok.
He's just been on again about it being all my fault. He won't even say what he's been caught out on this past weekend was wrong. Never mind ow2

I don't know if I'll ever know it all

At least that one's easy - resign yourself now to the fact that you certainly won't

Looks like his taste in OW is as faulty as his morals; he could have picked someone who'd at least be able to house him if it all blew up, but chose someone who sounds in quite a mess herself. Then again, he didn't expect to need somewhere else to live, did he - he really thought he could go right on being the one to call the shots

Glad you have the solicitor's appointment booked. So sorry you've been having to tell your DCs what their father has been up to

Prepare for yet more phoney justifications. One friend was tuning out her H's remarks and near the end he spitefully said,
“I was planning to leave you anyway once the children were grown up”.
Said he after chasing after a young woman five years' older than their eldest DD.

Couldn't he have found a less disrespectful way to do it? No because he "deserved some me time" (!).

He won't discuss, just keeps repeating the same old stuff.
I'm sure there is more but I don't know if I'll ever know it all.

Don't exhaust yourself trying to get him to discuss anything.

If he keeps repeating the same thing you can do the same "Because of your actions for which I am not responsible, our marriage is over. i want you to leave by the end of the week". Repeat ad infinitum and don't engage in any more of his bullshit techniques.

Good news about seeing the solicitor. The first letter from them will cool his bluster more than a little.

Are you able to detach and just get away from him? Go out to lunch, go shopping with a friend, just get out of earshot of his talking? I see no reason you should have to listen to his nonsense all day. God, doesn't he have a job to go to or something?? It must be exhausting listening to him rant.

I do think you need to resign yourself to the idea that you never actually will know it all - he is certainly not going to be truthful. Ever.

Ah bless him! So he's effectively made himself homeless through his philandering then? Diddums! Didn't think that one through very carefully, did he?

I hope you're ok, and can manage to shift him from your home in the near future. And it's great that you have a solicitor's appointment so soon.

Iseeall, this reminds me of a friend of mine. Exactly the same age as you, and same length of time married (had a lovely hol to celebrate their silver wedding). The same band/ groupie situation. Even the same confession of other women when she found out about the current one, but this was a string of affairs for 6 years. And a lot of debt, even fraud, came out of the woodwork too.

I'm so tempted to show her this thread as it frustrates the living daylights out of me. H is still in the house after 2.5 months (separate room - after going to OW and then returning, my theory being that she didn't want him but I'm sure he's said all sorts), she wants to 'help' him because he's a poor sex addict with mental health problems. He lied to her for SIX YEARS, including their anniversary weekend. I am livid, but she wants to forgive him and help him. God help her. You are doing so well, OP and you should be proud of yourself.

We work from home.
I'm off out for a long hair dressers appointment shortly.

Now I'm just his kind of woman. Nicely dressed etc. And why don't I want him, other women do. Good grief.

I'd be dragging that appointment out for at least a few hours.

Now's a good time to make the message clear. Pick up takeaway or food from the supermarket for your supper. Pick up enough for yourself and the dcs. Not him. Something specific, like 3 hamburgers, but absolute portions for just you and the dcs. Let him forage for his own in the kitchen, and make it himself. The sooner you start doing the "separate lives in the house" thing, the sooner he will understand the situation more clearly.

It's definitely not your fault, OP. It happens every day. It frequently happens with 'musos'. He's not even a bit original.

Sounds like he's in complete denial. He hasn't really caught on that the world is crashing down around his ears.

I would anticipate a melt down when it finally dawns on him what is happening. I suspect when you've been to see a solicitor then it's going to get real. Plus when his parents and your parents know then it starts to go more public and people will start asking him what the hell he was doing, that's also when it will start to hit home. At the moment it's still in a little bubble for him.

It's clear OW doesn't want him, he doesn't seem to have anywhere to go so is sitting tight hoping it will go away.

How are your kids? How did they take it and what has he said to them?

When he keeps asking why didn't you....blah blah, you could just say to him because you're just not WORTH it. I don't want a man who thinks like you do.

Was also going to say, don't bother your head about every "knowing all of it" - you won't. Because he will re-write it and re-write it and re-write it until even the other participant wouldn't recognise it - he will spin anything and everything through as many degrees as it takes for him to be the victim every time. That's what they do.

Also, they will continue to lie about every tiny little thing, even pointless lies - because they are in major arse-covering mode and don't want to own up to anything they don't have to.

I'm glad your children know but sorry they had to, iyswim. :(

Jeez what a bell-end he is. I hope you are treating him to the scorn he deserves.