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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 29/09/2015 14:46

Ooooh! He's going for the hot stuff rock god role. Twat. Loving your selfie threat!

Erm...if he's off to a gig soon please make sure you've totally undone the tuning in all his guitars.

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 14:51

OMG that he is terrified of you posting a photo on her FB wall yet claims he isn't sleeping with her...

He is soooooooooooooooo deluded!

Cherrybakewells1 · 29/09/2015 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iseeall · 29/09/2015 15:02

Good cop/bad cop. Yes that makes sense to me.
I'm putting on my best enigmatic smile and remaining calm.
I did have a horrible urge to contact ow2's husband but so far I'm resisting.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 29/09/2015 15:08

he's such a wanker. lord help us but he's a gobshite.
i would contact ow2's husband actually.
and i would be telling friends and family what's happening, although you do seem very reluctant to do that.

CrumbledFeta · 29/09/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AncoraAmarena · 29/09/2015 15:41

OW doesn't have a DH does she? I thought Iseeall said she was single and lived with her daughter and granddaughter.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 29/09/2015 15:45

I think she did say OW was single.

But even if she's married, it's not ISEEALL's responsibility to inform the husband. She only has to do what she feels is best for herself.

ISEEALL: when you first posted, your thoughts were running towards confronting the OW. Then you became more focused on your husband and what's best for you. Now you seem to be ruminating more on the OW.

You also indicated that the cheating bastard won't be moving. Are you thinking you'll have to live together?

Original poster
Iseeall · 29/09/2015 15:50

He is refusing to go. I have asked why ow won't come and get him but he seems to think she is a wonderful independent woman. Give me strength.
This ow was discovered at the weekend. Hence my post.
Yesterday before he confessed,when he was still denying he seemed to think confessing to a previous affair was the way to go.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 15:51

Have you met with a solicitor yet?

Original poster
Iseeall · 29/09/2015 15:51

So just to clarify
This ow is single
Ow2 is married

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/09/2015 15:54

So - OW2 pre-dates OW? Just to be really clear? Or is she on the go as well?>

Can't believe that he thought confessing to another affair would somehow solve the problems this one is causing?! The man's not all there.

Scobberlotcher · 29/09/2015 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodontheTracks · 29/09/2015 16:02

Yes this is someone in my opinion who has been serially unfaithful and worried about OW finding out about other OW. OP, this must be awful for you. And it's appalling that he's normalising things. This is a tactic to minimise it all in your mind. After all everything looks normal doesn't it?
I really think you need to get away from him and start detaching. I'm frightened you're just going to stay in this marriage and accept or work through his deluded, patronising lies.

Ow and Dh are irrelevant. You need to make plans. What do you feel able to do?

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 16:02

This is why I think you should tell the dc what is going on in front of him, so they are aware that he is the one has caused the bomb to go off and is refusing to leave.

Your DC may wish to move out rather than live with the atmosphere whilst you sell the house Sad alternatively they may be enough pressure to get him out the door!

FredaMayor · 29/09/2015 16:12

OP, firstly Flowers, secondly I think you would be justified in insisting 'D'H should leave because he has cheated on you with at least two other women; he has persisted in obvious lies and is still trying to persuade you he speaks the truth instead of doing the honourable thing and fessing up, and because he has zero respect for you to have been treating you in this way when the reality is that there is no going back to the time when you were in 'ignorance'.

I believe that he has completely lost the right to sharing your bed and family life and the longer he stays the more contemptuous he is going to become. Of course you must do what you feel is right for you, but I think your future wellbeing and progress will benefit very much from his absence.

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 16:36

Sweet lord OP, what a sad little man he is! You are doing so very brilliantly. The selfie threat was pure genius Grin

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this crap and I wish I could give you a hug. I very much agree with advice to start telling other people - people you trust and who will be there for you. You are doing a brilliant job of staying composed right now but you will need to fall apart at some point and you will need real life support with it x

AcrossthePond55 · 29/09/2015 16:56

He thinks he can ride it out until he either convinces you or finds it more convenient to leave. After all, he is a cock rock god and you know how they are. All powerful sexy hypnotic idols that they are! Hmm

In the line of 'nature abhors a vacuum', as a rule people (especially guilty ones) cannot handle silence. They just cannot deal with someone who is blanking them and not letting them into their thoughts (so they can plot their strategy). They start blurting out shit in hopes of tricking you into saying more than you want to say. I think he's trying every trick in his pathetic book to 1-make you forget all about it and/or 2-find out what you plan to do so he can counteract/block your moves.

I know you've said current OW is single, could his freak-out about 'who told you' have to do with the fact that OW2 is married and he's afraid he'll get his arse handed to him on a platter by her husband? Was his confession about her possibly because he just had to know if you were poised to tell her H? Is her H someone he sees or associates with (don't answer if it'll out you)? And you know, just because OW is unmarried, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a significant other somewhere whom she doesn't want to find out about this.

If he absolutely refuses to go, I guess there's not much you can do to physically throw him out. Do you think he's refusing to go because he thinks if he stays he can convince you to stay together, because he is trying to make you leave for financial reasons, i.e. being able to keep the house, or could it be because OW has made it clear that he's not moving in with her? Sounds as if what he's interpreted as her being a 'wonderful independent woman' is her telling him 'Oh, I've found that must always have my own space' which equals 'Fuck no, you aren't moving in with me!'. Think about the women who have left their husbands and flown to the arms of their OM only to be told 'Hey baby, it was just a bit of fun!' and had the doors shut in their faces.

Ifyoubuildit · 29/09/2015 16:59

Acrossthepond that makes so much sense to me.

OP have you spoken to anyone in RL? You really should, even if it's just to tell your side of the story before he starts to spin his.

mulranna · 29/09/2015 17:08

I think that you need tell each of the OW about each other....

mulranna · 29/09/2015 17:09

Whoops - Sorry thought that he was seeing them both now...!

FantasticButtocks · 29/09/2015 17:56

This 'fun'DH is all about ignoring everything you've said what's going on and trying to sweep it under the carpet. He's very nervous about what a loose cannon you now are, with your evidence (and he doesn't really know the extent) and what and who you're going to tell. This 'fun' DH is trying to demonstrate not take you this seriously. It's part of the minimising.

Haffdonga · 29/09/2015 18:06

OP please get some legal advice.

I'm sure you're not even ready to start thinking about the future beyond getting him out of the house but you need to know where you stand and how to protect yourself financially. At the moment you're three steps ahead of him, as you are the calm and clever one. He's still reeling from the shock of being discovered and still desperately trying to bluff his way out of the mess he's created - but that wont last. Now he knows the game is up it wont take him long to get nasty and try to damage you (financially and emotionally) and claw away as much as he can from the marriage.

Soon he will have twisted the story in his head to make you the bad one who deserves punishment and he the poor innocent victim in an unhappy marriage who grasped at love and happiness with OW, his only right.

See a lawyer. Find out what they think you should do. Then you'll be ready to face stage 2.

HortonWho · 29/09/2015 18:22

Ow is a gran with her daughter and grandchild living with her.

Ow2 is married.

So which ow is this independent one, ow3?!

Hillfarmer · 29/09/2015 18:22

Ditto to Haffdonga. Really, see a lawyer OP, sooner the better, because otherwise you're just head-to-head with this deluded man and he will start to send you round the twist. And tell a mate... you need someone sane to share this with - apart from MN that is,