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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
NeuNewNouveau · 29/09/2015 07:52

Hope you're ok OP, you have been very strong so far. Don't be afraid of being upset though, it is natural. Preferably not in front of him as it is good to disarm him by being cool but don't completely shut out that side of your feelings.

Take care.

Original poster
Iseeall · 29/09/2015 08:09

Good morning kind mumsnetters

I plan on remaining silent to today, silent and calm.
I'm amazed silence get such an amazing confession yesterday. I really think there is more to come and I don't think he can hack the silence .
I'm okSmile

Hell kitty's post last night was spot on groupie wise. It's nice to know others have come across this type.

OP posts:
Hamiltoes · 29/09/2015 08:22

Just wanted to say what a strong lady you are, this must be so hard. I'm cheering you on from afar Brew

hellsbellsmelons · 29/09/2015 08:46

I hope he gets more wound up today.
Let us know how it all goes.
Post for support when you need it.
Have you told any friends or family yet?

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 08:57

How are the youngsters doing - if you had a chance to speak to them?

mulranna · 29/09/2015 08:58

Wish him well as he moves into her home with her daughter and grandchild - wow that will be some dynamic - is he ready to do the grandad stuff???!!

You are being amazingly resolute - keep focussed. Take it easy - it is a v long, bumpy and unpredictable ride.

suzannecaravan · 29/09/2015 09:00

He's used to being the stonewaller, obviously doesn't have a plan for being on the receiving end

If you stand your ground with these types, don't succumb to the initial intimation...they dont have a backup plan, I guess because they never needed one?

suzannecaravan · 29/09/2015 09:01

If only you had access to the communications between him and the OW, wouldnt that be 'entertaining'?

SlightlyJaded · 29/09/2015 09:21

Morning Iseeall.

I know you are in turmoil but if you can, channel your inner Serene. Even if it isn't real.

And if he starts being nasty again, I would calmly say this and only this. Then nothing else AT ALL. ALL DAY.

"You know DH, when I found out, a tiny part of me wondered if we could survive this - maybe we could, maybe we couldn't. But unfortunately now we will never know, because it is your behaviour - subsequent to my discovery - that has really exposed you as despicable. And for that, thank you. You have made my decision so much easier".

The shrug and leave the house.

Cherrybakewells1 · 29/09/2015 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 09:56

well done on staying strong.
continue to tell him nothing. that is your greatest weapon.
telling him all you know will be an absolutely massive reward for him. he'll be delighted if you spill.
do not reward his cheating.

suzannecaravan · 29/09/2015 10:37

If you tell him how you found out he will use that information to refine his subterfuge in order to cheat more successfully next time ?

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 10:45

I couldn't be bothered to play his games - it strikes me that you've done enough of that for a lifetime. Just look after yourself and the kids, speak to your solicitor and ignore his ravings. That will be the best way for you and the DCs in the long term I reckon.

And you and the children are all that matters now I think?

Blossomflowers · 29/09/2015 11:48

Hello Isse, how are you doing today. Think you are doing great. I with a couple of others not sure I could rebothered playing his silly games. Take care of yourself.

JustHavinABreak · 29/09/2015 12:36

Hi Isse, I have been reading since the beginning but I haven't posted because I felt I couldn't say anything useful. I did want you to know one thing though. You are an inspiration. I know you're sad and angry and a hundred emotions in between but you are dealing with this like a lady. I am hugely grateful not to have to face this in my life, but someone out there is reading this and storing it away in the recesses of her mind so that if the day comes, she'll follow a leader in you. Stay strong. Thinking of you all the time xxx

MingZillas · 29/09/2015 13:02

You're doing amazing Iseeall. Keep going and keep strong but like a pp said, acknowledge your emotions to yourself or someone supportive in rl. Don't bottle them up, emotions are natural.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Fucking horrible scumbag.

Original poster
Iseeall · 29/09/2015 14:21

hello, I've been out and about this morning so can now update on what has happened today.

He's gone for a different tactic today. The only way I can describe it is if he's playing a role of 'fun dh'
He came into the bedroom early this morning to change/get dressed, saw I was awake and hopped into bed. I said the usual, get out and don't touch me.
But h was in 'fun' mode..So I got my phone switched it on selfie mode and took a snap.
I said hope you haven't been telling ow we don't sleep together/share a bed.
I threatened to post it on her face book, that got him moving.

As you know, before my discovery at the weekend he had been stonewalling me for about three weeks, now he cannot shut up about every little detail.

i know this is some new tactic, but if someone could explain it i can be prepared.

On a practical note i've now photographed business assets and his guitars/amps. While he won't go, I don't want family assets to disappear.

Thanks for all the kind messages today

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 29/09/2015 14:27

Maybe he's trying this new tactic to get you to drop everything against him and get in your good books?

LovelyFriend · 29/09/2015 14:35

He's trying to remind you how totally awesome he is.

I think he is responding to your silence by filling the void with all the stuff that is swirling around his head. Usually he has used stonewalling to block you out and punish you. Now you have turned the tables on his behaviour and it is you who is being silent and all knowing. By doing this you have claimed the power and upper hand. And it is driving him bonkers. Where is his wife of 25 years he can manipulate so well? He's utterly bamboozled. He is now so distracted he is trying everything he can think of to break you down.

suzannecaravan · 29/09/2015 14:35

i know this is some new tactic, but if someone could explain it i can be prepared
I wonder if it's a deliberate strategy or just his spontaneous behaviourConfused

but whatever the case it's alarming when someone just switches personna like that.

Perhaps it's 'headfuck' tactic, ie just act as if everything's just fine and dandy?

why isn't he begging for forgiveness?

bettyberry · 29/09/2015 14:37

He's just using every trick up his sleeve for you to tell him everything you know.

Being quiet didn't work, being an arsehole didn't work so now he is going to try to soften you up being 'nice' or 'the old him' in the hope you will crack.

he's basically being good cop/bad cop to get you to spill all and possibly unnerve you as to his mood that day. Its a tactic and nothing more. I would expect him to flip between the two periodically.

On the upside you can see this as his mask cracking and he is desperately treading water trying to 'fix' everything, cover his tracks etc etc etc...

Cherrybakewells1 · 29/09/2015 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 14:41

Sounds as if he's trying the 'winsome' route. What is/was his relationship with his mother like? (If she is/was indulgent to him, he may instinctively think that acting the naughty little boy is a winning tactic.)

Get a bolt for the bedroom door - easily put on is you're halfway handy.

bettyberry · 29/09/2015 14:42

why isn't he begging for forgiveness?

I suspect he thinks OP doesn't really know anything.

He wants to know if it is a friend of his and if he can really trust them.

I have a feeling he might be panicking because, Having read all the OPs updates, I am beginning to wonder if there is more than the women he has already confessed to the OP about and that he suspects another OW may have confessed to an affair to the OP.

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 14:43

*if you're halfway handy.

Sorry