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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
Teawaster · 28/09/2015 12:06

Why don't you say something like , I know because X spotted you at the airport with OW. He will probably day he just bumped into her and you can say, so you didn't travel with her etc? Of course he will deny it and then you can produce the evidence

CrumbledFeta · 28/09/2015 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2015 12:16

I'm not showing my evidence because as others have said he will minimise it. And when I've revealed it,it's gone

Extremely wise Smile

It's disappointing there's been no regret or devastation over what he's done, only anger and attempts to railroad you - though I've no doubt he'll try to fake remorse at some point

If his demands for information continue, why not consider a calm, quiet "that's really not your business any more, is it?" As everyone else has said, you're under no obligation at all to do or say an anything you don't choose

Spidermumdissapointed · 28/09/2015 12:19

Again, you are amazing. I am so impressed. I have nothing really to offer you advice wise but just want to tell you how strong you are and how you are reacting in such an impressive way.

He's an arse and a fool and she's not exactly got herself a prize catch has she?

The fact that he hasn't gone to her shows that either he's not that keen or she's not. He's fucked his marriage for nothing. Stupid stupid man.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 28/09/2015 12:35

You don't need any advice I can give, you're doing everything I would have done. You have the support of a lot of people on here. Take strength from it and let it buoy you up if things get bad

One thing though, I agree that you really need to get the evidence out of the house. If he finds it, it's gone and your proof with it.

flanjabelle · 28/09/2015 12:35

All I would say is 'you will be presented with my evidence during the divorce proceedings.' End of.

Buttercup27 · 28/09/2015 12:46

Well done for staying so strong. Keep it up.and don't let him make you doubt yourself.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 12:55

There is the sobering thought that if he is bringing up more than one name, there's been more than one OW.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 12:56

Correction, there might have been more than one OW.

momb · 28/09/2015 12:57

You are very strong OP. I hope he accepts the situation and stops lying/denying/goading you soon.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/09/2015 12:59

But the evidence no longer has any power now that she has revelaed she knows. How she knows is only of interest to the OP's "D"H. The OP knws and that's all that matters to her

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 13:01

He has confessed after I showed him the condoms.
Much arguing about evidence,which I won't reveal.
Finally said you know about x. And he
Started to reveal all. Says he bought condoms in hope. Showed evidence of separate rooms. All the cliches.

I was laughing. Seriously.
I packed his bag He's just unpacked it. We're at a stalemate.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 13:02

Actually, it does Bit. Because the moment she shows him the evidence, he will set about making a story that fits the evidence that paints him in the best of light possible. He is demanding the evidence so he can minimise the cheating as much as possible, and because he doesn't want to admit to any more than he absolutely has to.

Realistically speaking, if he really wanted to come clean, he wouldn't care about the evidence, he'd simply come clean and tell her all. The fact that he is demanding what evidence there is shows that he wants to know how much he can get away with admitting.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 13:03

Tell people. Family/friends. Do NOT keep his secret.

FantasticButtocks · 28/09/2015 13:04

The fact he's getting angry like this gives away that he's guilty as hell. You do right not to tell him what you know. I'd say Don't question me. I'm not interested in hearing anything from you but the truth. or if you're not going to tell me the truth, I'm going out. or The evidence you keep asking for is all with a solicitor now. or even Your reaction tells me all I need to know, thanks for that.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 13:05

Yep, still following script. Nothing happened, just was hoping it would (like that makes it better Hmm). Next will be "she won't leave me alone" to make you angry at her and not him, and then tears when that doesn't work, and sobs about how he's so sorry he's ruined everything. Then anger when that doesn't work.

What a putz.

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 13:06

He tried to put all the blame on me.
How he's wonderful handsome fun etc and I'm a frumpy drudge, you get the drift.
Totally unbelievable.
Confessed about one before this, that I had suspicions about first of all.
You couldn't make it up.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 28/09/2015 13:07

Well done OP. Keep strong.

Please, please hide the evidence as I bet he will try to find it, if he has an opportunity too.

The only explanation that I can think as to why he won't leave and why he is not being contrite is that that power has swung in your direction...he cannot handle this shift because he is an emotionally abusive prick!

FantasticButtocks · 28/09/2015 13:08

Actually, maybe you could up the ante now by saying You had your chance to tell the truth and, foolishly, you didn't take it. Now I'm not interested in hearing anything you have to say as I can't trust you. You'll find out about the 'evidence' when you hear from my solicitor.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 13:08

I wonder if he realises that a spur of the moment one nighter is probably less vile (at least IMO) than planning ahead to sleep with someone else and packing condoms "just in case". Does he realise he just admitted to actively planning to cheat on you? Premeditated, calculating, lying and cheating? He's so busy lying, he's not even thinking about what he's saying.

At this stage, it's all about minimising. He'll want to get past this and "back to normal" as quickly as possible. He'll likely also not want you to tell anyone.

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 13:08

Yes. He actually used the line
'She wanted to get to know me better

What to expect now.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 28/09/2015 13:10

no - you're not at a stalemate.
he's lying to you too about his intention with the condoms.
now is the time to tell trusted people about the situation in your home.
i would be looking for help from friends and family at this stage and getting someone to come around to the house.
if he's not going to leave the house then you need support on how you are going to share the house until its sold.

also its time to contact your solicitor.

Muckogy · 28/09/2015 13:11

expect him to lie to you continuously from here on in.
he is following The Script.
he does not care about you. he just wants to cover his own ass.

pnutter · 28/09/2015 13:12

I think you need someone in rl now
Keep reminding yourself he is minimising and will try to twist things as he follows the script
You must be devastated, I'm sorry

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 13:12

...Confessed about one before this, that I had suspicions about first of all...

How many have there been then, I wonder?