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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
mulranna · 28/09/2015 10:12

I would be tempted to pop over to OW place of work or house - just to knock on the door and watch her panic - wouldnt say anything - just sneer.

That would make me feel powerful.

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:14

Isee, can you identify what it is that you are nervous about?

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:15

probably best not to reveal that you know who the OW is!

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 28/09/2015 10:17

There's very little to be gained from talking to him. You're not going to save this marriage and you don't want to.

Try to pretend he's just a ghost... Your husband is dead. Ignore him as much as possible and make plans only for yourself.

Don't let him draw you out.

Joysmum · 28/09/2015 10:20

As said above, he's asked how you know (not denied it) and mentioned her name when you didn't!

He's cheating and his reaction is to try to tie you up in knots and then minimize.

Don't give away your proof.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 10:22

Don't let him rattle you. You do not need to show him anything and quite frankly I wouldn't. You know the truth. Holding out to hear him say it himself is torturing yourself. By insisting on him telling the truth, you are handing the power over to him.

Take a stand. If cheating is a deal breaker for you, then just act on the info you have which is certainly sufficient. Right now you have placed yourself in a holding pattern and he knows it. You need to regain the power here. You don't need to hear him say it right now, do you? Really? He will eventually, and he has already admitted it in a backhanded way. Take back your dignity and detach. If you are planning on separating, get moving on that. Actions speak louder than words. Show him you mean business and are not interested in his bullshit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/09/2015 10:24

How contemptible he is.
I expect he was congratulating himself on being so sneaky and toying with you.

I was thinking if he goes out later taking the car it would be worth the price of a taxi to drop a bag of his stuff off on her doorstep.
But it's your life not a game.

Good luck OP.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/09/2015 10:24

Broken record approach. "We are done. There is nothing further to discuss."

springydaffs · 28/09/2015 10:29

Blimey, girl, this is the performance of your life - with no script! So what you didn't know what to do about the letter/call bomb he dropped, completely left field? He's sweating and casting around, he'll throw a lot more bombs: don't reacte. You were right not to reacte as it happens, even if you were flummoxed at the time. Watch him dig his own grave, step away and sneer at his performance in your heart. Look at what he's throwing away, with his tight trousers - pathetic - and his wandering dick. Yuk. He's the idiot here, not you.

Keep going lovely, you're on track Flowers

frazzledbutcalm · 28/09/2015 10:31
Flowers

I'd show him the evidence now ... It will help you more now, not later.

He'll only continue to try to make you look stupid, make you look like you don't know anything.

Stay strong, tell him to leave. This is your choice.

Flowers
suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:34

I'd show him the evidence now ... It will help you more now, not later

maybe but the longer she lets him sweat the greater the liar he will appear when she does reveal it?

0dfod · 28/09/2015 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neddyteddy · 28/09/2015 10:36

It might be worth getting more evidence if you can. Screen shots etc

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:36

Remember that banks may freeze accounts if they have any suspicion of a marital dispute

0dfod · 28/09/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iseeall · 28/09/2015 10:39

He's still raging about evidence. Really goading me.
He ask me outright,do you think I slept with someone and then answered his own question with angry denials and then promised he hadn't had sex with anyone.
I'm trying to be straight faced and not rise to the bait

OP posts:
Muckogy · 28/09/2015 10:41

don't tell him how you know yet.
tell your children and family first and show them the evidence before he gets a chance to see it and has time to concoct a story.
do not explain anything to him. keep him in the dark as much as you can. that will be torture for him.
and kick him out and change the locks.
he's a cunt.

0dfod · 28/09/2015 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muckogy · 28/09/2015 10:44

yes - he's itching to know how you know. its killing him. that's why he's bullying you and rail-roading you.
prepare to call the police should things get worse and if he gets physical.

Muckogy · 28/09/2015 10:47

agree with above - can you change banking passwords?
also you may need to get some cash out of your bank account to tide yourself over.
sorry to sound so grasping but he may bleed you dry financially once he's calmed down.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:52

He's still raging about evidence. Really goading me

he's lost his temper
that means he's not controling his emotions and not thinking logicaly

It's really stressful but to have the upper hand you need to have more control over your emotions than and think logically

Don't be intimidated by his anger, remember it's a sign that he is not handling this ?

suzannecaravan · 28/09/2015 10:53

calmly calmy hand him the rope and he will hang himself

mulranna · 28/09/2015 10:54

There are a million little bits of potential evidence to his story/experience - he does not know which bits you have and this is disempowering him -- if you show him the evidence he will focus on these two single bits to close down everything else and minimise the affair - and he will take back the power.

He cant goad you if you are not there, if you do not engage, if you are not listening...

I would enjoy his squirming - believe me you dont need to know "the truth" - it will all be a cliche, part of the script - as other have said above.

You dont need to know anything more.

You have had a real shock - you are in for months and months of exhausting emotional strain - please protect yourself and pace yourself.

Take yourself out of the firing line.

What you learnt specifically from Lundy Bancroft about your relationship before you found this out -- you need to times it by 10 - as he is cornered and in back up mode.

Keep safe.

Who can you go to talk to in RL?

Be prepared for your emotions to flip in the next few days - shock is quite paralysing emotionally - it allows you to survive in the short term - be prepared for the waves of rage and anger and hurt to erupt - but choose how you will process these go for a walk, phone a friend etc -- do not take any mad woman scorned actions - keep your dignity. He has none and you dont want to be on his level.

Get friends and family on side in a calm and supportive way.

You need to get him out of your physical space. Pack his bags.

leghoul · 28/09/2015 10:58

Sorry to jump in - please -everyone - don't take paracetamol for calming purposes! oh my gosh that's dangerous and not how it works... (sorry, spotted comment as was reading thread)

I'm sorry to read about all this OP. I found out ex had affair, and when confronted he oscillated between a REALLY HIDEOUS justifying of it 'but she cares' 'I was on my own' 'she's nice'!!! to 'I never did that you're lying'
I actually wish I'd not confronted him at all, but I exploded as soon as I found out.

It killed off the last ebbs of 'love' I had for him, really shattered the illusion, but I gave him another chance Confused although my heart was not in it, we had a baby etc and logistically it was easier. However, this spurned him on to renew his contact with her and try to meet her more often not less -it only lasted about another year and I was actually, looking back, relieved to find out. It finally made me sure I was right to leave a very unhappy relationship. He still denies it to this day Confused and now says I had an affair Confused unbelievable.

Anyway - best advice, stay calm, cool collected on the outside. Rise above this mess he's made. You're not in the wrong, none of this is your doing, none of this could have been changed. If not her, it would have been someone else no doubt. Please don't beat yourself up about anything. Think smart - all the evidence, all the financial things in order, everything everything, any secret bank accounts as well - find out everything and take copies/originals of everything important for you and your DC future security. Then decide how to approach this. I would actually suggest not giving him the evidence - even going quiet about it if you can bear it, while working out what you want to do (and gathering more evidence). Watch what he does, what he says and that could help you decide and have no doubts left, that you can't possibly live with him/be with him again - lingering doubts make life miserable, and make divorces hard work. If he lies and lies still even though he knows you know, and has no respect at all to tell you honestly - I think it might make things even easier for you later on.

Best of luck OP and solidarity from the other side! Flowers