DP going for dinner with friend

[Lawler123]

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

All the best to you. You deserve someone can trust.

Hope it went well, or as well as can be expected xx

Lawler, I'm guessing it's been a very tough week for you

I'm hoping that you find happiness very soon

Hope it went good OP

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies. They've meant so much.

We never got the chance to talk about things properly until last night as he's been away with work.

To cut a long story short he hadn't been very happy lately and was thinking of ending things.

I never realised how he felt towards certain things until he explained and to be honest I don't blame him.

We are giving our relationship 6 weeks to improve. We both still love each other and want it to work.
I technically never moved in we just got in the habit of me staying there every night. We are going back to spending 2 week nights apart so we both have our own time. On one hand that looks like backwards steps but on the other it may improve our relationship. Baby steps!

I'm a mess. I'm hoping with every bone in my body this works out

You are a lovely person Lawler. You deserve better than this.

Thank you derxa.

He might be moving abroad with work for a year. He said if things improve between us then he would want me to join him.

So he is maybe lining up this other woman as your replacement.

It hasn't panned out yet so he doesn't want to finish with you.

But he is still going to organised secret meals with her?

Magoria - I don't understand your comment about the other woman? There is no other woman.

But no he isn't going to the meal with her.

Being on trial for 6 weeks sounds miserable.

Pretty unfair of him to tell you he's sitting there judging the merits of the relationship, basically asking you to do the "pick me!" dance. Who can be natural with that kind of threat hanging over their heads? It would have been a lot more mature of him to decide on his own whether he's in or he's out, and then inform you of his position.

Instead, it sounds like he's taking you along for the ride while he angsts out his own decision. It seems cruel.

You sound incredibly accommodating of what he wants OP.

Did he explain why he was enthusiastically arranging to meet another woman for dinner behind your back?

As I understand it, the only reason he didn't go was because she cancelled.

It was actually me that suggested the 6 week.

It isn't really a 'trial'. We have decided that instead of finishing things now and possibly regretting it, we would rather give it a while to see how things go.

He wants me to go with him abroad if things improve.
He still loves me
He doesn't want to break up.

I'm trying to stay positive.

He did explain why he was arranging the meal. I don't want to explain right now but it has put a few things in perspective.

He promises 100% he has no feelings for anybody else. He genuinely saw it as just a friendly meal with a friend.

He did acknowledge the fact he should've told me.

He did acknowledge the fact he should've told me.

That was good of him.

know he was possibly going abroad to work or was that the first you heard of it? It's quite a big deal to spring that on someone that you have been with for so long out of the blue

Yeah I was aware there was a possibility. We spoke about it a few months ago when he first found out.

Were the things about the relationship that he wasn't happy with all things that you had to change about yourself and how you do things to please him?
Did he give you a chance to discuss all the things about the relationship that you were unhappy with and thought he could maybe do better too

There were only 2 things that he would like changed. One was so he could have more time to himself - in all fairness I never realised until yesterday that he literally never gets any alone time. He also said the reason why he doesn't really invite me to places is because when he goes out its the only ever time we spend time apart.

It never occurred to me until he actually said.

Are you happy after the talk or do you feel even more unsure? I would hate to think he is stringing you along and has checked out of the relationship already

I feel happier that we spoke and worked a few things out.
He said that whilst there have been times he's felt like ending things he does want to try. Also the fact he would like me to move with him should things improve tells me he wants it to work.

Well if he still loves you, whats the problem?
Does he feel its gotten to serious?
What will change? Could he be letting you down gently?
If he isnt happy, what is it thats making him so? Is it you?
It sounds a bit like he has made up his mind but doent want to hurt you.
I really hope things work out better than what i think and its not that way at all but i just cant see it.

Sounds like he doesnt want to commit to you after reading your post OP.
He wants to take you with him, but youve moved out to give him space.
Dont want to sound negative but it sound like he is letting you down gently.

Oh my god, i go a male friends house for takeaway and chats, just the two of us!
Know why... nobody else wants to hear our Amateur attempts at philosophy and we get shushed in a group.

I'm sorry OP but there's a huge contradiction here - he wants to see less of you and have more time on his own BUT he might want you to go abroad with him and live in a country where you'll be spending more time together than ever and be totally dependent on each other? I'm sorry but this is never going to happen.

Also, I'm sorry again but in a relationship where people are in love, they really want to spend time together. They like each other's company. They go in the direction of spending more and more time together. It's really NORMAL to sort of find you've accidentally moved in because you just don't want to be apart. It's fine to have nights out without each other, but not to deliberately not invite your partner because you need some 'time off' from them.

We are giving our relationship 6 weeks to improve. We both still love each other and want it to work - this sounds so awful OP. Nobody puts a deadline on stuff like that. It sounds like he wanted to end it, you suggested the 6 weeks out of desperation and he has taken the chicken's way out by keeping you hanging on (and probably giving him lots of affection) for the next 6 weeks.

If he really wanted it to work he'd have communicated with you, not arranged a secret date with another woman that he had no intention of telling you about.

He cancelled at 10 something that morning and he didn't even mention it to you that morning. That date was definitely secret and he was doing it behind your back. Remember you saying about him wanting excitement in his life, well that's the excitement he was after, sorry.

Sorry 'she' cancelled.

I would not leave your home/job/friends/family etc to move abroad with this man. You will be lonely and need him. He currently wants to spend less time with you.

I am sorry things are not working out the way you hoped Lawler but it might be better to face it now rather than when you are in a foreign country with no support network

Oh OP.

Listen, you do what you need to do. If putting this 6 weeks in gives you what you need then so be it. When I was younger I probably held on in one particular relationship longer than I should have done. Just so I didn't have regrets that I hadn't tried harder. I don't ever regret holding on as that month I worked at it utterly proved to me that we weren't meant to be together. That month was also where the most damage to my self confidence took place. Because no matter what I did, it wasn't enough.

Do what you need to do but just be prepared that this could go either way and if this ends it isn't about you.

Personally there is not a chance in hell I would quit my job, up sticks and move to a different country with a guy who had done this by the way. Will you be able to get a job if you move with him? How would you get a work visa? Or would you be wholly reliant on him???

Thanks for all the messages.

Before I even suggested the 6 week 'trial' he said himself he didn't want to end things. He still loves me.

I completely understand what he's saying about him not having space. I've been in a position where I had no alone time what so ever and it's draining, it catches up with you.
The thing is because of my work hours I have 5 hours to myself every day to as I please. He gets none. So when he goes somewhere and doesn't invite me, he said to him that is his 'alone time'. Because if I went along every single time he would genuinely never have any time away from me apart from at work.

That's not healthy. And I never realised how bad it had got.

I had been thinking for a while about having time away during the week. I just didn't want to say it out loud.

Who knows whether this will work, with every bone in my body I want it to. I'm prepared to try anything I can.