DP going for dinner with friend

[Lawler123]

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP I hope he's mentioned it before work today and you've talked. Though even if he has there's still an issue of him arranging something he knew you'd be unhappy about. Hope all is ok.

Hope you're ok, OP.

OP I don't like the sound of what he is saying about missing the excitement of life. This sounds like dangerous pre affair talk to me. It's time he realised that the grass isn't greener and if he wants more excitement then you can plan stuff together. He doesn't need an extra person for that.

In your shoes I would be annoyed that after an anniversary dinner and several tender moments, he still hadn't seen fit to tell me about a dinner date with a female friend who is asking to see him alone despite regular social contact.

I'd be interested to know what restaurant he chose too. If it was up to him to choose ( and according to the texts it is) what did he pick? Chummy Pizza Express or intimate Le Restaurant D'Amour?

Do keep us updated. You will get lots of support.

I hope he told you this morning or, better still, told you it's planned but that he's realised it's not appropriate and that he needs to cancel.

Feeling anxious on your behalf. Hope it is all good.

I would be very very concerned that he is saying he is bored and looking for excitement. This is often a driving force behind a lot of affairs.

Thinking of you, OP.

Thinking of you op.

You are a lot more restrained than me.

I would turn up at the restaurant and pull up a chair at their table and make them squirm with nerves as I merrily chatted and ordered a meal.

Fingers crossed he has told you by now and you are working through it

Have just read the whole thread and am gobsmacked. How can anyone claim to have a 'good' relationship when they can't bring themselves to TALK to their partner of 3 yrs and instead chose to stress about it for 8 days ? IMHO the problem is not him and who he chooses to have dinner with, it's YOUR inability OP to discuss things with him that matter to you. I am not saying for one moment that he shouldn't have dinner with who he feels like, I am saying that you are disingenuous in your proclaimed beliefs. You say you aren't controlling but because you wouldn't have dinner with someone of opposite sex, it doesn't mean he has the same values. Jealousy is a very unpleasant trait and the fastest way to turn a partner right off you. If he loves you he will be with you, if he doesn't he won't. You say you don't believe he would have an affair with this woman ? But you don't actually believe it. If this dinner date were a man then you would have no issue because your partner is heterosexual, your objection is purely and simply because of her sex, to put it brutally the difference is the fact that he could shag her if he and (don't forget) she, wanted to. It boils down to sex. If it didn't you would have a problem with dates with a single man.. You need to examine your feelings and decide what YOU want. If his behaviour FOR WHATEVER REASON, makes YOU unhappy, leave. Don't try and change other people, state your point and then make your own decisions for you. But be honest to yourself first

It's up to the Op what she does or does not accept in her marriage. Personally I wouldn't put up with it either.

Nothing wrong with doubting yourself and wanting your partner to be honest with you so giving them every last opportunity to do so.

Cheating or not, this is as much about identifying a person who is willing to lie to get what they want.

Even if this isn't cheating, this makes that dinner more important than telling the truth. That's a very important dinner. I can't abide liars and I hope the OPs partner is at least honest with her.

Relationships are built on honesty and trust and once broken it can't ever be fully regained.

Has he spoken to you about it yet? Keep us posted.

How did it go?

It's starting to become obvious what happened. He didn't tell her About the dinner date. She may/ may not have confronted him about it. He's backtracking saying he didn't tell her because he knew she might get the wrong idea.
He won't have remembered tell her he wanted excitement, he won't have realised how much this told her at that time re his mindset.
It's probably decision time for her.
I hope everything works out OK for her.

I think it's either

He told her but OP couldn't bring herself to make a fuss so just smiled sweetly and said fine, in which case, not much to update, she's just going to have to trust him.

Or

He didn't tell her, OP never mentioned it either and they're both just acting like nothing happened with OP thinking she'll bring it up next time or just live with it.

OR he lied, they had a massive bust up. I think if it was the latter, OP would've been back on though!

I don't think they would've had a big bust up, she doesn't seem angry enough about the situation. If it was me, I'd be toughening up and doing something about it.

Thank you everyone for the replies over the last few days. Whether you've agreed with how I feel or not it's good to get different opinions.

I realised I accidently wrote it in a post that the dinner was yesterday but it was actually this evening.

Nothing was said this morning and he left for work as normal. I expected to receive a text during the day making it look like a spur of the moment thing but nothing.

He came home around normal time (there's a time frame for when he gets home depending on traffic etc) I was so relieved! Though I know there's still an issue which I will touch upon.

I do know however that he had to go pick up some car bits from a garage straight after work. This was arranged late last night. So here's what I'm thinking -

• he either had no intention of going to the meal and cancelled
• he took the afternoon off and met her before going to the garage
• he will be seeing her along with the others for their get together so could rearrange the meal then.

I know a few posters have said they don't think I've reacted angrily enough which I can see why but in all honesty I wasn't really feeling angry. Worried, anxious and upset was how I've been feeling! It's opened my eyes to a few things that I/we need to sort out in our relationship.

I don't know what I'm gunna do regarding the meal from here. Just keep my eyes and ears peeled, I'm sure this isn't the end of it. But after reading another thread on here I have decided to write a letter to him. I have always been better at explaining myself on paper, and then we can discuss after he reads it.

I will have to wait and see though. I have a big feeling the dinner will be rearranged and I can't face feeling like this again which is why I want to write the letter before its rearranged and go from there.

Do you know for definite that he went to the garage?

And how often does he take the afternoon off, is it likely?

Yeah he had papers and a receipt attacked which had the time and date.

Loveyoutothemoon - it is likely he could've taken the afternoon off, yeah.

His phone is right next to me and I'm fighting every urge to look aghh

TALK to him. Why a letter? Communication is the key.

It makes me anxious just reading your posts OP, your self control is impressive.

Look at his phone. Sorry, but I would. Why fight it at this stage? You need to know what has gone on today. I bet he has met with her. I would put money on it.

Also: It's opened my eyes to a few things that I/we need to sort out in our relationship. - you mean, like your partner arranging secret dates with other women (and possibly going on them without telling you)?!

The letter thing concerns me. I don't understand why you can't just talk to your partner of three years. That in itself is not a good sign.

Read it.

She cancelled and said they'd just see each other with everyone else in the week but he was still very much willing to go but agreed with her. And then his exact words were "I definitely want to rearrange this dinner!"

Great

I think tomorrow evening we need a chat. I can't do it now.