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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
lookingforlight · 07/10/2015 00:23

This thread has been illuminating. I do like the differing opinions. It's been an intriguing 16 page read.

  1. FairPlay to the people who have set up front contracts in their relationships regarding interactions with the opposite sex. I agree with a lot of the posters that every relationship is unique and every relationship will set boundaries of acceptability. (Of note. Affairs don't just happen with members of the opposite sex #justsayin)
  2. why this guy has chosen to hide the fact that he had a dinner planned with this other woman? He either wanted a quiet life or wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

Op. You have the facts.
He knows how you feel about this point
He pressed on regardless of your feelings
He didn't tell you
He didn't go because she cancelled

So I see two possible outcomes

  • he thinks your asks re the opposite sex are ridiculous and will choose to do what he wants
  • he wants to get his end away with this person

What are you going to do? Because I'll tell you this much, he won't stop. You're far better off asking him about this and finding out the truth.

lookingforlight · 07/10/2015 00:25

One addition. He will do what he wants knowing his intentions are innocent.

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/10/2015 01:50

Lawler - I really feel for you, you know something is awry, and you know your relationship has changed, but for the time being, it's easier to just stick your head in the sand.

That's your prerogative, and I understand you love him.

Pretending this all isn't happening isn't actually stopping it from happening, though.

WipsGlitter · 07/10/2015 07:02

How is it a date? I'm meeting a male friend next week. We are both married to other people. I've not mentioned it to DP. Is that a date???

He knows how the op is going to react so he's torn. Honestly if this were reversed the responses would be soooooo different.

Joysmum · 07/10/2015 07:51

He knows how the op is going to react so he's torn

Er no. In an honest and respectful relationship you'd tell the truth and look to improve the relationship so the other person doesn't feel like that. Or so the other other person have the choice whether to call a halt to the relationship and find somebody who can respect boundaries. Clearly there are plenty of people who do understand the importance of honesty in a relationship and the OP would be more secure with somebody she could trust in their honesty, even if they are doing something she would prefer not to happen.

IrishDad79 · 07/10/2015 08:17

Cherrybakewells1

"The only other women your DP should meet for meals on his own with are his mother, sister or his grown up daughter (if he has one)."

What, are we living in Saudi Arabia now?

RivieraKid · 07/10/2015 09:27

his exact words were "I definitely want to rearrange this dinner!"

So, he's super keen to rearrange the thing he knows you would be deeply uncomfortable and unhappy about and go on keeping it a secret from you and the only reason he didn't go in secret in the first place was because she cancelled.

I'm sorry OP, but even if you're scared the relationship will end if you confront him it doesn't sound like it's going to make you happy if you don't, and have this eating away at you.

I understand you feel you can express yourself better on paper but if you talk to him face to face at least you will actually be able to see his reaction.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 07/10/2015 10:16

I am going to speak to him tonight about everything.

Not just about this meal but about everything. As I said this has opened my eyes to certain things I feel should be spoken about. I will just ask him why he didn't go to his arranged plans last night. To begin with I can just be honest and say I saw the message come up on the screen, but if he lies or hides anything I'm just gunna tell him about me looking on the other 2 occasions.

It's very easy to bury my head in the sand. Up until 3 months ago (when he started feeling stressed) everything was perfect.
I'm also wondering whether he's having a life crisis. We aren't old at all but he's not where he wants to be in life and he's admitted before that doesn't help with his stress.

I have spent the morning writing everything down how I feel, I keep reading this thread and that paper over and over.

The biggest issue is no longer him going for a meal. It's now he's dealt with it and hidden it, and is very much keen to still go despite my feelings.
It's made me think that actually, perhaps I have been a bit unreasonable in not wanting him to go, but after him hiding it and planning on keeping it a secret I now know that I'm not being unreasonable. If he had actually come to me and said "look lawler I've been invited out for a meal and catchup with Sarah. I wanted to be honest with you, are you okay with this?" Then at least I would've had honesty and respect.

All of a sudden I just feel so scared.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 07/10/2015 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrybakewells1 · 07/10/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 07/10/2015 10:32

Thank you cherry - your post meant a lot then Smile

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 07/10/2015 18:34

OP-you must be in turmoil. To be honest this is sounding so much like an emotional affair that it's hard to think otherwise. His keenness to reschedule and his secrecy speaks volumes.

He may well gaslight you into thinking you have a jealousy/insecurity problem and that he is doing nothing wrong. I'll bet a fiver right now that he will say he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be jealous.

Take comfort from the fact that many sensible women on her have also said that they would not like their DP to go on secret evening dinner dates alone with a woman they already see every week anyway. You are not mad. You are not wrong to feel threatened and disrespected by it. Your feelings are valid.

The fact is, if he cares about you he should not even want to be doing this. Why isn't he taking you out for dinner?

MissBattleaxe · 07/10/2015 18:35

Oh and you need to talk to him about this, not wait and see if the next date pans out before broaching it. Say you saw a text message flash up.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 07/10/2015 19:37

Thank you battleaxe. I feel absolutely horrendous about everything right now Sad

He will be home shortly and then I'm going to speak to him. I have no idea what things will be like after tonight. All I know is I can't continue the way I am.

And you're right. My feelings matter just as much as his.

OP posts:
derxa · 07/10/2015 19:46

Good luck darling. You have to speak to him

RattleAndRoll · 07/10/2015 19:54

I hope it goes as well as it can go.
Good luck. Thanks

tableanadchairs · 07/10/2015 19:55

Keep calm
good luck Flowers

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/10/2015 19:56

Good luck Lawler - there is genuinely lots of support for you here. Flowers

ForChina · 07/10/2015 20:02

Good luck, OP. I think you are 100% doing the right thing in speaking to him. Be strong - you don't have to think of the reasons on his behalf or make excuses for him (not happy, crisis etc).

MissBattleaxe · 07/10/2015 21:05

Come back when you feel like updating us. You'll get lots of support. Don't let him bulldoze you.

RivieraKid · 07/10/2015 21:33

Good luck, and take care of yourself x

pictish · 07/10/2015 21:37

Good luck OP. xx

Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 09:32

How did things go? Did you talk?

maras2 · 08/10/2015 18:11

Hoping that you're OK Lawler Flowers

Cherrybakewells1 · 09/10/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.