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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
BSites · 06/10/2015 21:53

Bastard.

BSites · 06/10/2015 21:54

Just for the record, did you see what time she cancelled?

Original poster
Lawler123 · 06/10/2015 22:03

Yeah 10:39 this morning she cancelled.

I'm gunna be completely honest here and I know it sounds pathetic and makes me sound like a spineless fool.
I love him. And I miss what we had up until he became stressed.
I know I'm gunna have to tell him I saw the original texts but he's not gunna believe that is he?

What if this meal is 100% innocent and I'm the one with the problem? Surely in that case me going through his phone is worse than the meal?

What if he ends this relationship because he's unable to have an innocent dinner with a friend.

My head is all over the place and has been since this whole thing started.
I have had to be face to face with the things that aren't great in our relationship and I realise until now I had been avoiding them.

I'm scared this will be the end.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:04

Oh dear. My first H was a cheat. I am now re-married and he would never ever do that. I think your Partner is not treating you right and I urge you to take some action. If it was me, I would write that letter. I'd leave it on the kitchen table and be out when he returned from work. I'd check in to a local Travelodge and ignore all calls/texts. Scare the shit out of him, I say.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/10/2015 22:06

And I am not saying he is cheating....but he is being secretive and that's not great is it? And at what point was he gonna tell you that he wouldn't be home for dinner? If he ends the relationship, then so be it. Plenty of fish in the sea. If he loves you he won't do that!

pictish · 06/10/2015 22:10

Oh.

expatinscotland · 06/10/2015 22:23

He's up to no good.

Greengardenpixie · 06/10/2015 22:23

He is not innocent. He is being deceitful by not saying, even if it is innocent. that is no basis for a relationship.

If you don't deal with it, it will end in tears at some point. If its not her, it could be someone else. You cant make someone be with you. It needn't end in tears with an affair though because If you don't deal with it you cant trust him and it will be always with you. What are you going to do? check his phone every two minutes? He is back late..he is longer than you think..you find a hairband thats not yours... That will destroy your relationship in itself. I agree with Iliveatthebeach. If it is meant to be then he wont end the relationship. If he ends it, he didn't feel strongly enough about you. Better you know now. At the end of the day, the choice is yours.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 22:25

OP, think about this

You say you are scared this is "the end"

if a friend told you that her partner was going on secret dates with other women and she was too frightened to talk to him about it....would you say that relationships had any legs at all ?

ForChina · 06/10/2015 22:26

Yeah he's not being innocent, although be ready for him to try to twist your mind by telling you you're overreacting and he's the injured party.

He's actively pushing for this dinner to happen. Maybe her conscience got the better of her. Or maybe she really does just like him as a friend and senses he's after more.

OP, if he really loves you he is not going to break up with you over you not liking him going for dinner with other women, or you looking at his phone. It might really annoy him but if he ends it it won't be because of those things (even if he says it is). And what's the alternative - know that you are only together because you're hiding what you know about him making dates with other women?

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:26

You should stop it now before he becomes invested in/committed to her.

Greengardenpixie · 06/10/2015 22:31

Also, how are you going to feel now when she is in the mix when he meets the others? You will be thinking all sorts!

Lacoba66 · 06/10/2015 22:31

So if she cancelled at 10.39am, then he had no intention of telling you, will not until the last moment, if it had gone ahead....

He's playing games & messing with your head.

pictish · 06/10/2015 22:35

I think it sounds like he's being given the brush off by her. Perhaps she's not comfortable with the just-us-twoness of it after all.

Obviously you will have to raise this with him in full.

Greengardenpixie · 06/10/2015 22:35

What if this meal is 100% innocent and I'm the one with the problem? Surely in that case me going through his phone is worse than the meal?

Its not innocent. He has lied to you! You have found a problem. You don't have a problem that he has created. Him going for a meal, not telling you about it and it being with another woman is way way way worse..and you know it.

Greengardenpixie · 06/10/2015 22:36

Sorry you dont have a problem. He has created one.

Helloitsme15 · 06/10/2015 22:36

Pictish is right - this is not the time to be burying your head in the sand.

lostinnormandieland · 06/10/2015 22:37

He did fail the test. He is deceitful.
Cut your loss now or it will get worse.

tapenade70 · 06/10/2015 22:46

Fwiw i was once in a very similar situation with an ex boyfriend. Used to not tell me when he was meeting up with female friends. Used to find me too controlling wanting to meet them. Ended up making me feel v insecure so i started checking his phone. Then realised he'd lie about where he'd been or say was ' last minute thing' when planned. Made me feel like a nutjob. The straw that broke the camel's back was when i was away and i came back to find a receipt for 2 when he hadn't mentioned being away..long story but trust was broken properly. He denied having an affair but at the end of the day I didn't like his behaviour and the insecurity brought out the worst in me. We eventually broke up and i was devastated. A year later i met the man of my dreams and father of my kids and he never makes me feel insecure and i never have to check his phone! Original exboyfriend still cant commit to any long term girlfriends as he heads towards his fifties. Shame as otherwise a lovely guy. Not saying your partner is cheating at all but there is a degree of unhealthy behaviour here..phone checking, not talking about it openly with him, him not being upfront with you...needs confronting or get out and find someone else before you waste too much time..

Cherrybakewells1 · 06/10/2015 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tapenade70 · 06/10/2015 23:07

Ps i agree meeting up with old friends of opposite sex is fine! But you'd mention it to your partner surely unless a bit fishy (and invite them along possibly?) Ultimately if you can't just say you saw a text and it seemed odd and talk about it all..well that's the real problem imo.

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/10/2015 23:22

Just came on here again after a little break, and noted that I was accused of "victim blaming" because I suggested that it is restrictive to limit who one's partner socialises with. I take profound offence at this. "Victim blaming", as far as I have ever seen it used, describes people who say that abuse survivors have in some way deserved the abuse. This I would never do. The OP is not an abuse survivor, based on anything she has said (of course she might be, and apologies if so, but she has not told us or implied that she is). She may, possibly, be someone whose partner is being unfaithful in some way (or not). But this is not abuse, and does not render her a "victim" (hate that terminology for anyone, unless they choose to use it to describe themselves).

I feel very sorry for OP, and believe her partner is wrong to lie to her.

But I also stand absolutely behind the view that it is wrong to attempt to control who one's partner socialises with, on the basis of their gender, or anything else. Having experienced this myself, and worked with numerous women whose partners have done this to them, to devastating effect, why would I start to condone it now? Am amazed at the language used on this thread. Why has the partner's dinner with his friend become a "secret date"? Maybe he just wants to spend time with this woman because she's his friend. Maybe gender doesn't loom so massively large for him (hurrah!) and he just likes her as a person. Yes, he shouldn't lie. But nor (I would contend, with every fibre of my being) should a partner tell him who he can or can't socialise with.

Cabrinha · 06/10/2015 23:26

Well, a lot of people were quick to jump on Sarah, but he's coming out the worse.

OP, you've now said you've checked the times on his receipts.

So that's 3x phone checking and now checking evidence of the timing of his movements Confused

Welcome to my life when married to a cheat.
Don't go there.
It sucks.
You'll hate yourself for being like that, for accepting a relationship that makes you feel you need to, and you won't ever relax.
It's soul destroying.

Can't you see that if you "lose" him by having it out, he's better gone?

Cherrybakewells1 · 06/10/2015 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatrixReloaded · 07/10/2015 00:20

It's a date. And it's secret. That makes it a secret date.