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Original poster

Gifts for exes ....

138 replies

Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 09:49

I've been seeing someone for nearly a year. I have a child from a previous relationship as does he.

It's his exes birthday soon and I understand he should buys card and a small gift from the child, I encourage this and do the same for my ex and he for me.

My idea of a gift though is a card and chocolates or a bottle of wine.
My boyfriend has spent more time planning a gift from the "children", he's been to two shops that they used to frequent together in search of a gift, messaged her a million times asking what she wants and when she also said a token gift will be fine, he decided to go out and by a card from himself and one from the child. He has settled on having a massive great bunch of flowers delivered and I just don't think it's appropriate.

Am I being silly ? What do you give and receive from exes on behalf of your children.

OP posts:
KayDee81 · 18/09/2015 10:13

Hi, is it a big birthday as such (30, 40 e.g) or just another bday? I think its a bit extreme to go to that much effort though, what did dp buy for your birthday? I think a nice card and chocs/flowers/wine is just fine! As far as going into shops that him and his ex frequented i dont think its inappropriate, unless he was looking at things that remind him of his ex!

Is DP this ott with everyone elses gifts?

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/09/2015 10:26

My exh and I buy each other nice presents from the kids and Us. No plans to get back together or encroach on present relationships - just something we do. Sometimes books, sometimes nice items for the house - I requested a towel bale this year. I do it so I wouldn't have an issue with my dp doing it for his ex who he has a child with either.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 10:27

Hi
He doesn't make much effort with anything as such, my gift was not thoughtful but having known him through work for a long time he was never that thoughtful with gifts towards her either.
It is not a big birthday no and the children aren't old enough to particularly ask for anything to give to their mother then perhaps I could understand.

I only mention the shops as both were out of town and a drive away not just your usual high street shops, just seems an awful lot of effort.

OP posts:
anotherbloomingusername · 18/09/2015 10:30

To be honest, I feel that he should be modelling the behaviour he wants the children to develop in relation to their parent's birthdays. By putting effort into it (while the children are presumably too young) he's showing that it's important to think carefully about what the recipient would like. I think that's a better message than giving a token gift.

MouldyPeach · 18/09/2015 10:31

I think it shows he still respects and appreciates her as the children's mother, despite everything that has happened. That's an admiral trait in a NR parent and shows you have a good 'un, nothing to worry about there that I can see.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/09/2015 10:44

Agree with mouldy peach Smile

pocketsaviour · 18/09/2015 10:52

Is this the first birthday since they split? (Presumably not if you've ben seeing him a year though)

I think it does sound as if he's gone over the top. I also prefer if the gift is something that a child would have chosen themselves, if you know what I mean? Like, he could take them to the shop and choose chocs or flowers (not alcohol though!) but the kids couldn't order flowers for delivery...

Maybe it's just me though. My ex didn't do anything to help my DS pick Xmas or birthday gifts for me after we split, but that might have been best since while we were together ex once bought me an impromptu present of a new toilet seat that was covered in pink vinyl and appliquéd with roses. I wish I was joking Grin

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 12:25

It is the first birthday since they split.
He left her after we developed feelings for each other.
Perhaps I'm carrying slight unease from that, a lot of my friends who are separated don't do gifts with exes or aren't good terms so I have no president set only that of what my ex and I have done thus far.

It just seems an awful lot of effort to make for someone when a card from the children and a small gift would suffice.

OP posts:
worseculepoirot · 18/09/2015 13:03

Ah, so you were the OW. I'd say it's guilt. Unless he's an emotionally stunted robot he's going to have some level of guilt at walking out on her for someone else.

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 13:33

Well, do you mean that he developed feelings for you when married to her and then his next action was to cleanly end his marriage having realised it was over for him, and not cheat?

In which case - the gift giving is probably a bit of guilt. Even if he wasn't great before, divorce is a new start in so many ways. I make more effort to be a good "ex" than I did wife. As a wife, I felt my child wouldn't pick up on issues. As an ex, I want my child to have an outward show (thoughtful gifts) that everyone is cool and happy now. Even if that's fake it til you make it! I wouldn't piss on my ex if he was on fire, frankly. But I want my child to feel she can chat about his birthday with me.

But if you had an affair with him?

Then he's a lying cheating bastard, and your current insecurity is called "reaping what you sow".

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 13:34

Oh and shopping - I prefer driving to an easy out of town location sometimes, than battling with high street traffic and paid for hard to find parking. That's no big deal.

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 13:37

Just going back to the benefit of the doubt that he's not a lying cheating bastard...
My ex failed to mark morher's day for 5 years, then our first apart bought me a big bunch of florist flowers from my daughter.

He may have had the same motivation as me in making our daughter think it was relaxed between her parents. He may have been wanting to show off to his new girlfriend that he was Mr Nice. It may have been guilt that he cheated. It may simply have been that when he bought for his own mum my daughter was there and said "and for my mummy!".

What I can assure you, is it was absolutely not because he had any interest in getting back with me.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 14:08

I don't know if I would class myself as another woman.
We worked together and both developed feelings for each other, when the texting and staying longer at works started to be more than just friends. Nothing physical happened at the time, his partner found out and I left my partner. We are together now though.

The places he was going for the gifts aren't a case of going out of town they are places significant to them little villages etc they used to visit not a case of going to a shopping centre etc.

What my question was is what us acceptal to buy your ex as a gift from the children ? My ideas is a small gift, nothing extravagant etc. It isn't as if the children are old enough to know what mums fave perfume is etc and then perhaps I could understand the effort he is putting in. It just seems an awful lot of effort. Perhaps it is guilt on his behalf but we've had Mother's Day since and he just sent a card from the children. Perhaps I am just insecure and reading too much into it.

They have a lot of contact and he seems to have mellowed towards her, ive still to meet his children etc so I can offer no views on what they might like to buy their mother.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 14:20

I don't think anyone can say what's acceptable. You just have no idea what someone else's motivations are.

Last Xmas (outs self!) I bought my XH, his new GF, her child and my child 4 tickets to a really nice theatre show. "From my daughter".

I love theatre, I have the money, my child loves theatre. So it was a present for her as much as anything.

If his GF is secure, she'll have thought "oooooh, that's nice".

If she's insecure, she might have thought "well what's she up to? That's extravagant. Why include me? Why she's muscling in?"

One thing that strikes me - you say nothing physical happened, but also say that SHE found out. So you did something that overstepped the mark. Sexting or whatever. Interesting that it's him mellowing to her though? When ostensibly he's the one in the wrong? Did she end it when she found out? If she's the one that ended it, I'd be quite suspicious of his motives tbh, just as you are being. If he didn't choose to end it for you, he may not have been quite ready for her to end it on his behalf! Sorry, that's shit for you.
But your senses are tingling for a reason, and you know that this man is able to cheat.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 14:55

Thank you.

He ended it as we had been caught by one of the other staff in our work place, nothing happened but I assume they had noticed the extra time we were spending , flirting etc.. He ended it with her as the heat was on him that she would find out, obviously he told her he didn't want to be with her and had fallen out of love, she only became aware of me being involved when she came across the texts etc which is when it all blew up and I came clean to my ex and separated from him.

He says he doesn't want to be with her anymore and I believe him but I don't know if that's because he wants to be with me or because he has caused his family so much hurt and it would be harder to go home than it is to stay apart. I guess with mistrust at the beginning it's hard to know what is just second guessing.

The sudden attention to gifts is what has alerted me to this and the fact they all went out for lunch together a few weeks ago, no birthday or anything to celebrate just thought it would be nice I only found out because she had out on Facebook and one of my friends had seen. He said he didn't say anything because there's nothing to tell. They are still his children etc.

I suppose I am the flip side of the coin, my ex and I split and although turning my attentions to someone else was just the final straw, he was controlling and lazy our relationship is very business like etc there are definitely no feelings there on my side so it's much cleaner break for me.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 18/09/2015 14:59

You talk about all of this quite coolly Confused

RedMapleLeaf · 18/09/2015 15:01

Hmm, now we have the bigger picture I'm wondering just how 'ex' he actually sees her as being.

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 15:25

He went out for lunch with his ex without telling you?

Just get rid of him, OP.

If (if if if) I ever went to lunch with my ex, I'd tell me current partner I was going to. Because I care about him, and I know if would suspicious and therefore upset him if I didn't.

He doesn't care, does he? Back with the ex or not, this is not a good man.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 16:06

How would you like me to talk about either full of sadness too which people would only feel the need to scorn me more... Or full of anger to her ... I thought if I was adult and indifferent it would be less dramatic etc .

I do know that it is my fault only that I have these doubts, as we did hurt two families etc I deserve the little seed that I have sown in my mind I was just looking for an answer which I guess nobody can give.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 18/09/2015 16:31

I don't think that adult equates with indifference. I think I would expect an adult to take responsibility for her own actions and to indicate contrition for the hurt she has caused others.

You say,
obviously he told her he didn't want to be with her and had fallen out of love, she only became aware of me being involved when she came across the texts etc which is when it all blew up and I came clean to my ex and separated from him.

But I disagree. It is not obvious that he would lie and only admit the truth once she discovered it. She must have felt she was losing her mind. I wonder what he tells her when he meets her behind your back and I wonder how she feels now.

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 17:03

Whatever the rights and wrongs of how you got together, how do you feel about him having lunch with her without telling you?
I think he's absolutely taking the piss.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 17:25

It wouldn't have bothered me if I had been told he had been to collect their child from school and then they all went to lunch together.. It's the fact that the texting is increasing albeit initiated by her, but he does respond and I can't imagine daily or every other day texting is soley in the childs interest.
It may be innocent but it unsettles me that so much time is going into getting her a gift.

OP posts:
Olddear · 18/09/2015 17:31

Well, it is a relationship that started on deceit and lies, whatever made you think he wouldn't do it to you to? They have a young child, they're going to be in each other's lives for a very long time.....a very long time.

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 18:41

Don't start feeling unreasonable because it's quite possible for exes to have lunch with their children with nothing untoward.

About a year after my split, my child had a school celebration event, and we both took her to the park afterwards for an ice cream and then the pub for a drink.

The difference is, I texted my then BF to say "fun fun fun, now I'm in the park playing nicely with Arseface for

mylovelylife · 18/09/2015 19:20

How long were they together? I think he is struggling to give her up and wants to keep her in his life.Listen to your instincts but if you question him don't expect him to be truthful.At best he could be confused about his feelings, grieving the loss of his previous life (even if you are someone he loves) or at worse he's used to having 2 women and enjoys the ego boost and the chase.

Why have you not met his child if its been a year?