Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Gifts for exes ....

138 replies

Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 09:49

I've been seeing someone for nearly a year. I have a child from a previous relationship as does he.

It's his exes birthday soon and I understand he should buys card and a small gift from the child, I encourage this and do the same for my ex and he for me.

My idea of a gift though is a card and chocolates or a bottle of wine.
My boyfriend has spent more time planning a gift from the "children", he's been to two shops that they used to frequent together in search of a gift, messaged her a million times asking what she wants and when she also said a token gift will be fine, he decided to go out and by a card from himself and one from the child. He has settled on having a massive great bunch of flowers delivered and I just don't think it's appropriate.

Am I being silly ? What do you give and receive from exes on behalf of your children.

OP posts:

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/09/2015 12:59

^She is just getting on Now and that's what I said she seems to have lost interest in fighting for him and now I'm wondering why he is making effort to appease someone when she has already backed down.
Like she is not interested anymore.^

That's exactly why - because she's lost interest in him. It's the thrill of the chase, you see. He's trying to win her back - having 2 women fawning over him is obviously a big ego stroke for him, it's just too much to give up.

Sorry. But if it wasn't her, it would be someone new. He's not going to stay faithful to you. Some men are just like this.

RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 13:16

Ok, you're question is "am I being silly?" and most of the replies seem to be saying, "no, you're right to be very concerned".

SeasideSunshine · 19/09/2015 13:33

Karma's a bitch, eh?

I'd say he was enjoying the attention from both of you and when she lost interest and got on with her life, he then wanted her attention back. He's a twat, which shouldn't be a huge surprise to you, considering.

lunar1 · 19/09/2015 13:41

It sounds like he left because he was backed into a corner, not because you were anything special. ????He sounds a lot like a man trying to make amends to me. Of course he won't leave you now, he'd have to spend some time if he is paving the way back to his family. I can see your paranoia getting much worse over the coming months or years. There will be Christmas, children's birthdays and lots of other reasons for him to spend time with her.

InTheBox · 19/09/2015 13:50

He told you that although he thinks leaving his wife and getting with you is the right decision for now but maybe not the future

Christ on a speedboat!

I also think he's having regrets and might be wondering what the fuck he's done, considering he only left when he felt backed into a corner.

Imagine all the occasions that they'll have perfectly acceptable reasons to see each other e.g. christmas, birthdays, dc school events / illnesses etc. She'll be a firm staple in your life if he should stay with you.

Cut your losses OP.

jumperoo1940 · 19/09/2015 15:18

I know you think people are giving you a hard time, and not answering the question because they are judging you. The thing is the extra information you have given changes the answer because the answer depends on the circumstances.

If he was your partner of several years, divorced from his wife at his instigation, and fully committed to your relationship, for ever not just for now, I'd say don't worry about the present. It's nice that things are amicable between them, and much better for the children.

As I understand it he is actually your boss, and was made (or decided) to leave the marital home after his emotional (you say not physical) affair was discovered by colleagues. He is not living with you, has not committed to you for longer than 'for now', and isn't divorced from his wife. He is still in regular contact with her by text, and is going to an unusual amount of effort over her birthday present this year.

To an impartial bystander, those facts look fairly incriminating. On the face of it I'd say he is far from throwing in the towel on his marriage.

However, only you are party to how he is behaving towards you in other ways, so you are best placed to decided what is actually going on. In your shoes I'd tell him I wasn't happy with it and watch his reaction. Upset that he'd upset you - a keeper. Anything else - ditch him.

SeasideSunshine · 19/09/2015 15:27

It sounds like he wants to have his (birthday) cake and eat it too.

I'm admittedly not impressed with your behaviour thus far, but honestly, if you don't trust him (with good reason) then why stay with him??

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 18:14

So I have bought up the gift thing.
He says he isn't sending one now at all as she has asked him not and would rather he didn't waste money.
I did say that I was slightly put out by the amount of effort he had put in but he seemed despondent and that he hadn't been, so maybe it was subconscious.
As for the texting he said that she texts him and he feels rude not replying, I did mention why make a conversation out of it then and he said that just felt the natural thing to do.
Again asked if he felt this was the right decision and he said he felt for now it is but he couldn't say for the future, I asked him he had said similar to her and he said yes.

I feel confused, up until this point I have been set in my decision , in our decision and now I'm wondering if he feels he has made a mistake.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 18:21

Yep, he's made a mistake. You're his cocklodge.

RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 18:21

Surely you only want to be with a man who tells you he absolutely wants to be with you?

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 18:25

I understand what your saying but no one can ever say what the future will bring and that is why he won't say yes this decision is right for me forever, he knows it is for now but how can any of us know that the decision we make today will be the right one in a year or ten time.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 18:28

Ah, stick with it then. What could go wrong?

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 18:31

What RedMapleLeaf said...

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 18:35

He has told her he doesn't want to be with her - he has told me he doesn't want to be with her... Why wouldn't he just tell the truth it both of us if he did have regrets rather than remaining with me ? And actually wanting to be with the person he left.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 18:37

FFS.

You don't know what he's told her.

You do know that he's a liar and a cheat.

You do know that he didn't leave her until he was forced to.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 18:39

I think you should read the thread back. He is clearly conflicted and has told you that your situation may not be permanent. He was cornered into owning up to an affair after you effectively got caught. You didn't seem to be bothered about your marriage ending, I am not sure the same can be said for him.

WickedWax · 19/09/2015 18:51

Unless you were right there you haven't the foggiest idea what he told his wife.

I'd imagine he's been kicked out, or they're having some kind of trial separation

As an outsider, even with your bias in the telling of the story, it sounds like he's trying to keep both of you as an option, but seems she's lost interest now.

He's told you quite clearly and openly that he's with you for now.

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 18:55

I don't think it is a trial seperation. She has set up in a new home a fair while Way he remained in there main home. She has new job , schools etc - says to me he thought it was a permanent fixture.

You are right I don't know what they say to each other.
I do know that if she doesn't contact him they don't talk at all between contact, he doesn't see her unless it's a contact day.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 19/09/2015 19:07

It doesn't add up to me, he has an emotional affair and she leaves the family home with the children?

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 19:10

She left because his home was work tied therefor it was only available to her if she lived with him.
So she had to leave. She went back to her parents in another town and has since set up home there.

OP posts:

Isetan · 19/09/2015 19:50

I get the impression that he isn't as invested in your relationship as you are and the unease your feeling, is confirmation that you have the same impression. It also appears that you're prepared to hang on in there because calling it a day after the 'Big Bang' of your beginning, would be embarrassing.

Given your complete lack of compassion about the hurt you and your partner caused his Ex, I think your unease is well deserved.

lunar1 · 19/09/2015 20:01

So she lost her home over this and you think her reaction was over the top. Do you lack empathy in say to day life or is it just in order to justify getting what you want?

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 20:48

So you had an affair and she was forced out of her home with her children as a result? I agree, your lack of empathy is breathtaking. Comments like "not fighting for him anymore, over the top reaction, shouting at you" etc etc show that you really have no idea of how much pain you have caused his wife and children. I am trying really hard here to be reasonable but I am THAT wife. I have nearly 3,000 posts on my threads on MN because of somebody like you and somebody like my husband wrecking my life and that of my kids. You seem more concerned about a bunch of flowers for a birthday than the absolute life changing wreckage you have caused to three completely innocent people. She may have "moved on", she may have got a new home and job, but I can believe that after a 10 year relationship and children, she is still trying to recover from the pain every. single. day.

How do you think this is going to pan out? His wife is going to be in your life forevermore. His children are going to be in your life forevermore. She doesn't want you involved with them, can you blame her? Yet one day, that may change and your weekends will be very different dealing with somebody else's children and all the things that go with step-parenting. I don't think you've thought that far ahead. Believe me, he might have told you the marriage was beyond repair, my husband said the same, but it didn't stop him having sex with me until a week before he left which makes me vomit. He would have said whatever it took to justify what he was doing. No doubt, in your minds, his wife brought it all upon herself.

He has told you exactly what he thinks. He has all but said this arrangement is temporary. You have no idea whether they are communicating between contact days, you have no idea if anything he says is true. That is the downside of cheating though, isn't it? You can't even trust eachother. What a lovely way to life your life.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 20:55

live your life...

Original poster

Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 20:59

What would you like me to say. I know what we did was wrong, should I be chastised for it forever ? Most people walk away with dignity when someone tells them they don't love or want them anymore, hold your head up high and notch it up to life's experience.
She did not instead she begged, called me shouting about how I was a home wrecker I am not! I did not lure him into bed with me he chose me over her.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6