Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gifts for exes ....

138 replies

Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 09:49

I've been seeing someone for nearly a year. I have a child from a previous relationship as does he.

It's his exes birthday soon and I understand he should buys card and a small gift from the child, I encourage this and do the same for my ex and he for me.

My idea of a gift though is a card and chocolates or a bottle of wine.
My boyfriend has spent more time planning a gift from the "children", he's been to two shops that they used to frequent together in search of a gift, messaged her a million times asking what she wants and when she also said a token gift will be fine, he decided to go out and by a card from himself and one from the child. He has settled on having a massive great bunch of flowers delivered and I just don't think it's appropriate.

Am I being silly ? What do you give and receive from exes on behalf of your children.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 13:53

I wonder how much "dignity" the pair of you will have left on display at work. As always, he will get away with it. Unfairly, it is unlikely there will be much respect left for you.

RedMapleLeaf · 20/09/2015 14:12

Have you told him it's over then OP? Look after yourself tomorrow, it could be a tough day at work. Do you have friends you can go to during any tough times like your lunch hour or whatnot?

ProjectPerfect · 20/09/2015 14:57

Most people walk away with dignity...

I don't see you doing that though OP? Your boyfriend couldn't have made his lack of feelings clearer.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/09/2015 18:25

I believe they're 'working on their relationship' already, I would start looking for another job sharpish, if I were you.

Fratelli · 20/09/2015 21:09

Ugh you both sound terrible tbh.

In relation to your op, him buying a gift from his kids to their mum is none of your business. A bunch of flowers is perfectly reasonable. Why on earth you think it's your right to interfere with someone else's kids is beyond me.
Her reaction wasn't over the top. There is absolutely no way I would allow my children to be around the ow. He's definitely still in love with her. He's just with you so he's not alone. Like many others he thought the grass was greener on the other side. Turns out (as usual) it wasn't.

Izzie595 · 20/09/2015 21:44

Now you know how it feels to be lied to and cheated on. Same as his wife and your husband. As for dignity, there is no dignity in blowing apart a family. Nor staying with a man who is using you whilst he attempts to reconcile with his wife

jumperoo1940 · 20/09/2015 21:48

I'm really glad I'm not the OP, because some of the comments on here are patently designed to wound.

Can't we just have a little sympathy for the fact this man more than likely came onto her, and sold her a line about his wife not understanding him, marriage being over in all but name, blah blah blah. All the usual bllsht designed to lure someone a bit susceptible. OP herself says her marriage wasn't in a good place, so I'd say was feeling pretty vulnerable. It doesn't sound to me like he had any intention of leaving his wife, he just wanted something on the side.

Now she's paying the price for that, and must be feeling terrible, and guilty about how it started as well. My best friend was an OW. She was utterly convinced the wife had made her DP's life so awful, him leaving was for the best for everyone. Totally brainwashed by him. She's an intelligent woman as well.

Can't we be a little bit kind?

The original post was about feeling unsettled by the amount of effort he was putting into getting a present and should she read anything into that. It wasn't that he shouldn't buy her a present, or her interfering with what he wanted to buy, it was a gut feeling thing.

For the record I'm a 'wronged wife'. I have no bias here.

Izzie595 · 20/09/2015 22:04

Try looking back at her comments.

Baconyum · 20/09/2015 22:20

"Do people really come on these boards and post for the fun of winding up women?" Unfortunately yes, there are people that get their kicks this way.

"do not need you or anyone else telling me how awful I am." Except your posts suggest you are indeed unaware of the pain and suffering you and your boyfriend have caused. Which is relevant in answering your question because how you feel about the gift and texting is tied up in how that relationship ended. Which you've admitted yourself " If I had not been honest I would have received an answer that did not fit my own story."

"but I would have accepted if somebody had told me they didn't love me" but he IS telling you he doesn't love you. By his words AND his actions yet you're NOT accepting it with any dignity at all. So even by your own standards you're lacking.

"Instead you're bleating on here because he wants to buy his wife a nice gift."

"I guess I have my own answer" yes you do. You make it sound like YOU have a choice in whether to stay or not. I very much doubt it would be up to you.

As for the bf I have just as little respect or sympathy for him. Sounds like he had a lovely little family and squandered it for an ego boost.

If he'd had any intention of being with you permanently at any stage he would have moved in and you'd have met his child, he'd have engineered that. You only have to look at numerous other threads in relationships to see that.

Jumperoo sorry but I see no excuse for anyone to be with someone who's married nor to cheat themselves. You may feel sympathy for your friend I don't. I've also (even prior to having been cheated on myself) had friends that got involved with others already in relationships and I've always taken the same stance. To their faces too.

Sallystyle · 20/09/2015 22:50

I have committed the sin of not reading the whole thread.

Sounds to me like they only separated because he got caught and then she left him. It doesn't sound like he planned to end it, until he was caught.

He regrets that, he never intended your affair to become serious. He realises perhaps that the grass isn't actually greener after all.

I know that sounds harsh but that was my first reaction. I wouldn't be sticking around in this relationship if it were me. It could be just guilt but how he ended the relationship doesn't make it sound like this is just a case of the guilts at all.

WhoAteMyToast · 20/09/2015 23:24

Hang on a sec - you nicked her husband, and now you are moaning he's buying nice presents from the kids? Speechless Biscuit

WhoAteMyToast · 20/09/2015 23:25

I think I must have been 'done' again, because I don't think this can be real.

Pandorafreak · 20/09/2015 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fratelli · 21/09/2015 07:13

Everything Pandora said!

M0rven · 21/09/2015 07:37

I guess I have my own answer as yesterday was her birthday, he decided that he would go "visit" the children and have an evening off of work.
I gather that his plan is to keep me going until he knows whether he wants to go back fully or if she'll have him back and I'm not going to sit and wait

I think you are right .

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 21/09/2015 07:54

For the third time I am not posting this as a fictitious spin for scorned women to get their knickers in a twist.

I came on for advice about one thing. I gave enough information for you to be able to answer. It doesn't matter my opinions or feelings as this was all about HIS attitude towards her and what I perceived it to be?
Me crying myself to sleep with guilt or over a pan of carrots will make no difference to the question I wanted and asked for advice for.

When we got together he was very different to me, he found her an interference and I am not saying I condone anyones behaviour but I had thought he chose me so why is she fighting.
Perhaps he did want me at the time and I suited his purpose, I don't think I do now and I'm not sure she does.

He's never had a week of no contact with her and whilst he did find her overbearing it seems to have wained somewhat and I suppose the fact that he has mellowed such towards her as unsettled me and set my spider senses tingling.

OP posts:
M0rven · 21/09/2015 07:59

" he found her an interference "

What does this mean ? She was his wife and the mother of their children .

" he has mellowed towards her "

Again what does this mean ? I think you are confused because you seem to believe everything this man tell you, even though he clearly is a cheat and a liar .

Stop listening to his words and think what his ACTIONS say .

RedMapleLeaf · 21/09/2015 08:01

he found her an interference

Do you realise now that what he has been telling you isn't what he was actually thinking and feeling? That perhaps he has been telling her different versions too?

I feel sorry for you. You seem disconnected from your feelings and those of others. You say that crying with guilt would make no difference to our answers, but I think it would make a big difference to you.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 21/09/2015 08:27

Even the texts I have seen on his phone all say the same thing ... He has also on more than one occasion told her that he is happy with his decision for now but that might change in the future, he his always apologising if she's had a hard day with the kids and some of the chat is laughs and jokey but not untoward.

I don't know I guess I won't sleep comfortably in my mind until I've left him because the seed of doubt is slowly growing.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 21/09/2015 08:30

"He has also on more than one occasion told her that he is happy with his decision for now but that might change in the future"

Confused I'm not sure why you even want such an indecisive pig

YonicScrewdriver · 21/09/2015 08:32

I realise you both ended your married life, but he is the only one who ended a family life. When you are thinking about the impact on your children of the end of a marriage, you are thinking not only are you being told you aren't wanted, you are being told your children aren't wanted. That you are going to lose your house, move to a new area, possibly lose relationships with friends because of that.

Her life has changed way more than yours It's a game changer in the "dignity" stakes, though I agree it doesn't sound too bad.

OP, I would walk on this relationship and spend at least a year on your own. Get to know yourself again.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/09/2015 08:34

I meant "I agree it doesn't sound like she was bad/undignified"

OP, when you were growing up, was it frowned on to show emotion? Was your family very stiff upper lip?

M0rven · 21/09/2015 08:37

He's told his wife that's he's happy with his decision to leave her and his kids for OW . A decision that forced them to leave their own home and schools and friends and move to another part of the country , while he stays put .

He's told her that hes happy with that decision now but he might change his mind in the future ? Wow, what a prince ! I can't imagine why she's not fighting to get him back .

Either this is the truth and he's a heartless, unfeeling bastard. Or this is a pack of lies and she kicked him out and he's trying to get her back .

Cabrinha · 21/09/2015 08:42

"happy for now"?
He's not at all indecisive - I disagree with the PP.
That's not being unsure if he wants his ex back - that's deliberately keeping her warm for when he does. Or for when he at least wants to fuck her Hmm

Joysmum · 21/09/2015 08:46

Ago do he's told both of you there may be a future with him but there may not be. So now he's chucked the bomb in to both of your lives he's hoping you'll both do the pick me dance!

Seriously, garner any vestige of self respect you might have and drop him.

My guess is the moment you do he'll go straight home to his family if the wife will have him back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread