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Original poster

Gifts for exes ....

138 replies

Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 09:49

I've been seeing someone for nearly a year. I have a child from a previous relationship as does he.

It's his exes birthday soon and I understand he should buys card and a small gift from the child, I encourage this and do the same for my ex and he for me.

My idea of a gift though is a card and chocolates or a bottle of wine.
My boyfriend has spent more time planning a gift from the "children", he's been to two shops that they used to frequent together in search of a gift, messaged her a million times asking what she wants and when she also said a token gift will be fine, he decided to go out and by a card from himself and one from the child. He has settled on having a massive great bunch of flowers delivered and I just don't think it's appropriate.

Am I being silly ? What do you give and receive from exes on behalf of your children.

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 18/09/2015 19:28

I have a hunch he's regretting leaving his wife and is trying to work his way back into her affections. Unfortunately it seems to happen rather a lot with married men who think the grass is greener and then realise a year or so down the line that it's not.

He didn't choose to leave her, he felt backed into a corner.

I mean the above kindly Flowers

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 18/09/2015 19:49

They were together nearly ten years I think.
I think I know that if I question him he won't be truthful, perhaps you are right and he doesn't know who he wants which unfortunately I need to work out if I want to stay around for.

I haven't met his child because she doesn't want me to and he respects that, she doesn't have a new partner seems to be just getting on with life on her own. He is respectful of her and won't have anything bad said against her but I thought that was more so because they are parenting the same child etc.

Part of me thinks I am just paranoid which I know I deserve but the other makes me think that as many if you ladies have said perhaps he is starting to regret his decision in feel guilty.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/09/2015 21:04

What you have described does seem over the top, then. Honestly going to a little shop where they used to holiday - that just screams "Look how thoughtful I am, look what a great dad I am, remember when we loved each other and what great times we had?"

I would ask him his true feelings - does he want to get back with her? Missing his kids could be a powerful pull, but he could also feel that he made a mistake.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 07:37

Yes pocket saviour that was my issue they are not your usual shops like cath kids ton etc he had to make two trips out of town to get to these shops!
That's what set my mind wandering.

They are in touch a lot it is always insisted by her from what I have seen, could be wrong but that being said he doesn't oblige in answering and sometimes the conversations last a good while - often jokey.

Perhaps it is because she has mellowed, she took the news very badly and was very over the top with her reaction, she seems though to be just getting on although he has said once or twice that he finds it hard too.
I don't know if that's because he misses his children, if course he does but surely if the pull was that great he wouldn't only be getting cold feet now? He wanted this as much as me ? Do men usually do this after leaving?

Perhaps it is time we did talk about what and where we both see this going ?

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 07:58

I am completely perplexed by your perspective on this.

She took the news very badly and was very over the top with her reaction? How would you expect a person to take the news that the person who had made vows to her was cheating on her after he had told her he absolutely wasn't? What was her over-the-top reaction? Did she do something illegal and dangerous?

she seems though to be just getting on What choice does she have?

I'm really sorry for you, I can see that you are hurting and confused by his behaviour but I really think that if you tried to see things from a perspective other than your own things would make more sense.

jumperoo1940 · 19/09/2015 08:03

In answer to your question, it is common for men to return to their wives after a period of living with OW. The grass is rarely greener. That doesn't mean the wives want them back though, and will often kick them out again.

From what you have written I'd say he is going through a period of guilt or regret, and is trying to impress her. This could well coincide with her starting to move on and be ok with the split. There is a certain attraction to be unavailable (as you as the OW experienced originally).

Sweetsweetjane · 19/09/2015 08:03

*I have a hunch he's regretting leaving his wife and is trying to work his way back into her affections. Unfortunately it seems to happen rather a lot with married men who think the grass is greener and then realise a year or so down the line that it's not.

He didn't choose to leave her, he felt backed into a corner.*

I agree with pp. Sorry.

Sweetsweetjane · 19/09/2015 08:04

Woops bold fail.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 08:05

By over the top I mean by ranting and raving at him, calling me once to rant and rave at me.. Constantly texting my partner and calling him for every little thing and asking why he done what he did etc.
Saying I can't meet the children etc and making him abide by that.

She is just getting on Now and that's what I said she seems to have lost interest in fighting for him and now I'm wondering why he is making effort to appease someone when she has already backed down.
Like she is not interested anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 08:08

Jumperoo we don't live together.
He didn't jump from one frying pan into a vat of fat.
We are just seeing each other, we still work together and he is still my boss all be it in a different environment.

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 19/09/2015 08:25

It might be because she's not interested? My ex does this. The overly thoughtful gifts and suggestions to go to lunch etc tend to be the prelude to him splitting with GF's and wanting to try again. I don't want him back though.
Sounds dodgy as hell to me i’m afraid.

Cabrinha · 19/09/2015 08:25

Ranting and raving at him, finding hard to let go and calling the (bitch) OW once - and that's OTT and taking it very badly?!!!!!!! Not wanting her kids to play happy families with the bitch that wrecked her marriage? (I'm giving some emotions here, I actually save my worst disdain and blame for him.)
Hmm

Don't think for a minute that it is better because nothing physical happened Hmm It would have done, and he'd already crossed the cheating line with you.

Love, are you 19? You sound very young or naïve.

He cheated on her. This woman that loved him and had children with him. A life with him. Promises from him. Probably a vulnerable practical situation too, with kids involved. This man took away the family she thought she had. Left his kids. To fuck someone else.

She wasn't in the least bit OTT!!

And for those thinking he feels guilty...

Regret, maybe. He's got something no better now, the grass isn't greener plus he has the complication of splitting up his family.

But guilt? He managed to have an affair in the first place so I'm not sure his guilt-o-meter is all that sensitive.

No, I think this could just as easily be a case of a dog with two dicks.

Ex wanting to chat to him. OW letting him get away with lying to her...

My money says even if he wouldn't get back with her, he'd cheat on you with her.

It's not the present - it's the meeting her without telling you. 50 Shades of Wrong - disrespectful and suspicious.

I'd bail if I were you.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 19/09/2015 08:35

They aren't over. Sorry.

SanityClause · 19/09/2015 08:47

It sounds like he's all about the chase.

When she was obviously hurt, and wanting him back, he wasn't interested.

And he was loving having two women both wanting him, at the same time.

Now that she's moving on (not with another man, just in her attitude) he's a bit put out. He's trying to win her back a bit, so he can have that feeling of power, again.

I think you are right to be worried about this. If I were you, I would look for another job, and another boyfriend.

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 09:23

We'll they are over and not in a naive sense they don't even live in the same area anymore. They see each other twice a month on contact days and I'd find it hard to believe anymore as the work we are involved in takes up pretty much of all his spare time and we are together much of that.

I don't know I have opened myself up to a slanging match when all I asked was what is going on with the extra attention to the gift?
We have discussed before whether we both thought we had made the right decision and he has always answered that for now he has but he can't say for the future.
I feel for me it was the right decision I had stopped loving my husband and we has a very volatile relationship, I then met my now partner and he showed me what it was for some one to be interested and care for me.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 10:40

I feel for me it was the right decision I had stopped loving my husband and we has a very volatile relationship, I then met my now partner and he showed me what it was for some one to be interested and care for me.

Was there any part that you regret or wish you'd done differently?

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 10:57

I regret not telling my husband it was over before getting mixed up with someone else, I did not have an affair because I was bored. I had made a good friend in someone, he listened to me and wiped the tears away when I was staying in a relationship for a child.
I do not regret my marriage is over. I do not regret getting with my current partner. I do feel guilty but I don't see myself as a home wrecker both relationships were beyond repair , or so he had told me.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 11:17

Do you mind me asking if English is your first language?

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 11:23

Yes it is I'm English. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 19/09/2015 11:39

I was wondering if something was being lost in translation, or whether their were cultural differences here. As I said before I am perplexed at your lack of compassion. You're a cool customer.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/09/2015 11:42

Flowers for a birthday is usually what men give a woman when they're in love with her.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2015 11:56

You have been very silly

Having an affair with your boss is the oldest cliché. I wonder how many times he has "left his wife" for some vulnerable woman

When he goes back to her, it will be your career that is fucked and he will drop you like a hot brick

Original poster
Merrygiftmas · 19/09/2015 12:03

Like I said before how would you like me to react?
If I was desperately upset and hurt you would all lambast me and say I bought it on myself.. If I was angry and deluded you would say I had bought on myself.
Emotion and how I feel will not allow you to answer the original question and therefore it doesn't it matter how I portray myself.
I have been honest I don't regret leaving my husband, it was going to happen and unfortunately I took the cowards way out by finding someone else before I was honest with him. He was hurt and I do regret that but much of his hurt was cause by my actions and selfishness and unfortunately I can't go back and do over, I might still be in my miserable marriage and I most certainly do not want that.

My biggest concern was that my current partner was putting too much effort into his exes gift and little things like always replying to her messages when much of them could be left unanswered, he seems to like the conversation with her but I guess not that much as he doesn't iniate it with her. I have always said that I have sown this seed of doubt and ultimately any issues I occur are my fault.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2015 12:08

Took the news very badly and was very over the top with her reaction. This.

I think you got away lightly actually. Two years after my husband left me and our children after "confiding" in a "friend" I am still struggling to recover. I imagine she is too and may well be for a long long time. The damage these situations do to children is shocking. Frankly, I would stay away from the "gift" buying, he clearly still has strong feelings for his wife, it is none of your business and it is for him and his children to deal with.

TheStripyGruffalo · 19/09/2015 12:10

Nothing. My ex ignores my birthday completely and usually insists on having the DCs that weekend so I return the compliment and ignore his birthday.