My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

[nancyfromthefarm]

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

I firmly believe people of the opposite sex can be good friends, in fact my best friend is male. However I have absolutely no sexual or "romantic" feelings for him, the whole idea just isn't compatible with friendship.

I agree with Bathtime Funkster I am afraid. There is something about the tone of your posts which is "off". At first I thought English was your second language then I thought you were drunk but now I think you're just a bit superior. Sorry.

"his friendship is incompatible with a marriage."

That is why in the marriage vows, it says 'forsaking all others' and all four of you repeated the words.
That doesnt mean you have to give up ALL friendships, but certainly flirty 'shall we shan't we' ones.
Source - fucked up marriage due to one of these friendships.

Maybe it's bcs i'm not married (though I have been) but it looks like a lot of projection goung on here. How others would feel if they were the wife.

From what I'm reading you are like brother and sister - and what brother doesn't share with his sister stuff going on in his life that he doesn't share with his wife (small stuff, not the big stuff). The drunken chats were when you were kids and mean nothing, that's entirely gone now and in its place is a deep, longstanding platonic love. (And I'm the one who posted upthread that I don't think platonic relationships between the sexes are possible, though people swear blind they are).

BUT. You are not brother and sister. You both reserve parts of yourselves just for each other. She doesn't like that and that's her prerogative, she gets to choose. Your husband may not like it either but you don't seem to have noticed whether he does or doesn't, so protective of your friendship are you.

This is a wake-up call, op. You're (both?) being willfully blind about something. A bit parallel universe. Some things just can't happen, as much as we would like them to.

His marriage is more important than your friendship, well it should be anyway and if you actually are about this man as a friend and want what is best for him you will recognise that and back right off.

OP- your own DH seems to have a background walk-on part in all this, yet in your haste, you are texting your male friend because that is more important to you than a hurt wife who has just given birth or your own silent husband.

You are stating your relationship with the friend is not a threat, but it's not up to you to say that. Judging by what his justifiably upset wife blurted out, it already is.

I have doubts too that your DH is "OK" with it. I doubt he was given a lot of choice judging by your vehement defence of this intense friendship on this thread.

I would bet an awful lot that if your friend and his wife broke up, you would be seriously hurt and pissed off with him if he went into a new relationship with someone else without running it by you first.

You're so blindingly unaware of how far you've overstepped the boundaries of a normal friendship that no wonder you think the problem is the wife's unreasonableness, you appear to have no concept of what's appropriate in this friendship and therefore have no idea of the signals you're giving out.

" I would not put up with another woman coming into my house lording it over me and having a "connection" with my DH. "

nor would I, I would tell the cheeky biatch to get tae fuck.

A baby has been brought into a family that is now struggling and your concern is your ego-boosting "intellectual" connection with a man you magnanimously chose not to shag.

This. It's an emotional affair. You pride yourself on your special bond and that you actually discussed getting together when the pair of you were already with your current spouses. That's... all sorts of not okay.

I think men and women can be friends.

DH's very good friend is our second child's godmother.

Did they ever have a "thing" for each other?

I don't know, or care for that matter. She's an extremely attractive woman, so it's likely.

But she had the cop on to make a friend of me. I number her now amongst my best friends.

When we spend time with her and her husband it is loads of fun.

Nobody is ignored or left out.

No competition over who is the most important to whom.

No sense that anyone's spouse needs to remember that they have "nothing to fear" from an old friendship.

Just four people hanging out, two couples who are happily in love, who have long history, and who enjoy being together.

That is friendship between the sexes.

Kindness and fun, not superiority and competition at the heart of it.

I can't help but feel that you won't be back now OP, but you really need to listen.

I think the most important thing that has been said here is that we have heard YOUR side of the story, yet the majority think YOU are at fault.

You do take a superior tone when describing your connection with your friend. You're prioritising that, at some level, over his marriage (complete with new baby). It's not on. You should stop it. I don't think you're prepared to listen though because that would require you to step up and face the fact that actually you've not been honest with yourself about how you feel about this relationship. You may have no intention of having sex with your friend, but your description of your relationship (and your oh so special intellectual conversations) doesn't match my experience of platonic friendships.

Also, your husband may be quiet, but I bet he's got an opinion about this too. Maybe you should ask him what it is? He certainly seemed to be at the bottom of your priority list in your dealings last night. If I was in your shoes it would be my husband I'd be wanting to reassure/spend time with/make sure he understood how I felt.

Can people please stop dismissing a woman's perfectly valid feelings as being 'hormonal'?

I thought the baby was born last February, not last week.

I agree that you are no friend to this man's marriage, whatever is going on in it, and you sound very possessive of him and a bit superior about your special relationship.

I know you leapt on the post from Rockinhippy as she was supportive of you, but I would be wary of following her advice. If I felt as this woman does I would not be impressed by further interference and offers to babysit etc.

Whatever your intentions, your involvement in this couple's marriage is neither welcome nor helpful and your only choice is to back right off and let them sort it out themselves.

If you care about him then you will walk away and let him concentrate on his family. I doubt you will though. You seem to care more about your important role in his life.

I think you enjoy having his attention and your husbands attention while this poor woman is left feeling like a spare part in her own marriage.

I think op will be back. Just that she's probably at work.

Hope you're feeling better this morning, OP.

This is a tricky one.

I think you need to ask yourself the following questions (none of them is meant nastily - I have a lot of sympathy for your position):

Do you ever feel a tiny bit pleased with yourself for "getting" your friend more than his wife does? Or do you get a feeling of being intellectually respected by him more than he intellectually respects his wife?
Do you ever/have you ever enjoy/enjoyed the idea of your friend as a potential "back-up" (if something bad happened to your DH, for example)?
Do you get the feeling that, if you had said "let's go for it" all those years ago then he would have too?
Do you ever lend an ear in relation to difficulties with his wife, taking on the position of the very reasonable female in contrast with the "emotional female" role of the wife?

I'm also of the mind that friendships between men and women are perfectly possible and healthy. But I have found that they are much more possible if you focus more on your relationship with the partner, if she's female, once a male friend is in a long term relationship (make sure it's 55% to 45%!).

I can totally understand you feeling it's a shame if your friendship has to slide. I can also totally understand your friend's wife (interesting that you are not also referring to her primarily as your friend??) would feel threatened and uncomfortable under these circumstances.

Good luck!

So you feel you are both intellectuall superior to your partners? nice

I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

I wouldnt want you anywhere near my partner and certainly don't think you are a good friend!

A good friend would have been friends with his wife too, not consider their friendship separate because your friends wife isn't interested in politics.

I don't think she will. I think she'll probably get the thread deleted and have a deep think.

Your DH sounds like a right wet blanket OP TBH That's a big assumption. The OP has stated that he dislikes confrontation and he suggested they leave.

He sounds sensible to me.

However I do think she has barely mentioned him, but has an awful lot to say about her close- oh! so close!- friendship with the male friend.

The OP was probably pissed and knackered last night. No one sounds at their most considerate and nuanced at 1am after a night out, surely?

I don't think wanting to discuss Jeremy Corbyn makes you intellectual, btw. I've heard some right numpties talking about him.

My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth

I think the phrasing of that is quite telling for someone who is supposedly such a good friend of the father.

She's probably arranging to meet her intellectual match for coffee so they can discuss his wife's "foolish outburst".

I think you need to concentrate on your own DH, ask him how he is feeling and really try to listen and hear the answer even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

As to your friend, you should give him some space to work on his marriage. If he really is as good a friend as you believe, he'll be back.

I do believe in male-female platonic friendships, but by talking about your attraction to each other you stepped over a line. You need to reset the boundaries and in order for this to happen you need to want to reset the boundaries too.