My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

[nancyfromthefarm]

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

i would not want you to be a friend of my h. You say you know how he feels better than his w and that you know things about him that his wife does not . This feels wrong to me . Plus i think you are proud of all this e.g. you say if you stopped texting him ,he would not stop texting you. You are soo sure of yourself with this woman's h = you are a threat to their marriage and i think you know this and are proud of it. Pride goes before a fall ?

Doesn't sound to me as if your friends' marriage is coping very well with the baby coming along. How did your male friend react to his wife? Do you have dc?

He might be fantasising about you, talking about you and it doesn't sound as if things are that great between them.

You sound selfish enjoying the exclusivity between the pair of you and if there are issues in the marriage with you spending most of the night in deep conversation with her dh you must be insensitive to boot!

Getting drunk when you have a young family sounds odd behaviour to me and pretty desperate. But if that has made her open and honest in expressing her true feelings and there is you analysing her behaviour more than analysing your own behaviour and her dh's behaviour then it doesn't bode well for your friendship.

I would be straight round offering babysitting once the dust settles so that the pair of them can get their marriage back on track.

"Well he would have told me, I certainly know a lot of things about him about how he feel and things he has done that she doesn't. Nothing really awful but its the way it is, we were close well before they ever got married. I can't go back and unknow him they way I do"

OP, this whole attitude. Your belief that she shouldn't 'get to decide', the fact that out of this whole sorry embarrassing incident your only and main concern is that your precious friendship must not be undermined... Of course she feels excluded and threatened with all this special bond that you two each have in each other but not with your partners. And it sounds as if you have seen him since February but not her? She has been your friend too since your early 20s but when she has her first baby instead of rallying round her and giving female support you have been meeting her DH? Be honest: is she even your friend or is it just because she is attached to your friend?

Your attitude about how special your friendship is and how you know things she doesn't etc must be loud and clear . You don't seem to want to hide it anyway and say that your DH is fine with it. That's all well and good . You ask why she gets to decide: but why do you get to decide how she should feel about this closeness with her husband ?

'Why does she get to decide?'

Oh dear.

You are in a lot deeper than you want to admit, and yes, both of your marriages could very easily be in peril.

If she's not ok with her husband carrying on a very deep friendship with you then that's entirely her prerogative and if you are such a very good friend of his and care so much you are going to have to step right back.

I realise that you're defensive, she's made it clear she is not comfortable with your relationship with her husband, the implications have sent you into thinking about you in all of this. Your reaction (despite what you say about owning partners) is one where you are acting posessive of your friend, perhaps fearing he will now back off from you. She is his priority. You have no idea whether they have discussed your water testing conversation of years ago.

You have no say in his priorities in this. You may be flinging around the posessive term at her behaviour at her, but you are not in a place to criticise his wife's feelings, problems or reactions. You are a friend, not who he chooses to share his whole life with.
I hope after you've rested you will appreciate his reaction will/ should not take into account you/ your view. This is about him and his family.

You wont step back as your ego wont allow it.
And I personally wouldn't want you to ever babysit any of my children.
You are far to close to her husband.
Please leave them to get on with their life together.

Your friendship needs to over for good.
This woman seems to be listening to her gut feeling.
Listen to yours and move on..
You have to much ownership in this man.

I certainly know a lot of things about him about how he feel and things he has done that she doesn't.

Yeah perhaps it does suck that he isn't as open with her about some of the suff he has discussed with me but that isn't up to me, I guess he doesn't tell her because he doesn't feel she would have much empathy. He has to be pretty strong for her and it is hard for him to show her his weaknesses.

Hmmm.

I think you are not seeing what is very plainly in front of your face here.

Forget the sex. There is an emotional attachment going on here. Maybe even an emotional affair. Maybe it is one sided, on his part. Maybe you do not see the confidences he has shared with you as a problem. Maybe you see his confiding in you as evidence of a solid friendship.

I agree with ToGoBoldly her husband might have become a total bellend since the baby was born and then plays bigwig politico ina highbrow conversation with your when you come along, she may have only noticed for the first time how cosy you seem to be...she may have noticed before but needed the dutch courage and the excuse of being a hormonal new mum to confront you about it

I think she may have seen a connection between the two of you that she may not be really feeling now with him, or he may have been giving her signals that he is not feeling connected to her since the baby was born.

It does sound like you like him more than you admit. If I was her I'd be gutted that he texted you last night after it kicked off.

It does seem that the more you are told you need to back off, the more determined you are that there is no way that is going to happen.

I don't think you are being honest about your feelings for this man as it seems that life without him is an unbearable thought.

Given the circumstances, the fact you allow him to tell you things about his life/marriage/wife that he won't discuss with her seems very wrong.

From everything you have said on this thread, you are not a friend of their marriage.

You sound controlling, high handed and determined to get your own way even if the feelings of others are trampled.

You get something out of "knowing things about him that his wife doesn't" and for that reason you should back right off and let them sort out their own problems without you pulling the strings i the background.

I would also look to your own relationship. "For the most part" both spouses have been ok with this "friendship" ? I think you are with holding something there in order to skew the replies you get.

There's jealous and possessive and a restriction of friends, which is wrong.

And then there is your spouse thinking their friends of the opposite sex has a level of intelligence and sophistication and a special sort of bond that they just don't get with you, which is really insensitive at best. Especially if you think he'd discuss marital problems with you that he wouldn't discuss with her. That comes across as really quite arrogant.

Your spouse should feel like you are the best person in the world for them and they chose you. Your spouses are feeling like they are second best.

"He has to be pretty strong for her and it is hard for him to show her his weaknesses."

And she's the one lacking in empathy?

And the poster who suggested it would be different if the tables were turned and it were a man unhappy with his wife's relationship is wrong - plenty of responses here have pointed out you are also disrespecting your own husband.

why does she get to decide?

Because she's his wife.

She's more important to him than you are.

Oh dear OP, you have my sympathies. I too like to have male friends who are not sexual partners and who I know for certain have never been sexually interested in me. I don't understand people who deny the possibility of a sexless friendship with a person of the opposite sex. My dd's best friend is a lesbian and again, no sexual element has ever come into their friendship.

I don't think you sound patronising or unpleasant about his wife, either.

Atenco, but they do have a sexual attraction in this case and have admitted it.

I definitely have male friends who I have never, do not currently and never will fancy, and the idea of aa sexual or romantic relationship with them is ludicrous. But that's not what's happened here. The new mum and OP's husband are on the side of their "what could have been" friendship.

I understand that this friendship is important to you but in the scheme of things, I think the needs of his family come first. I don't think you have a real understanding of what can happen in a relationship when a first baby cones along. Why not be less selfish and step back? Tbh you've been sounding more and more like the OW as the thread's gone on.

I too like to have male friends who are not sexual partners and who I know for certain have never been sexually interested in me. I don't understand people who deny the possibility of a sexless friendship with a person of the opposite sex

Did you not read the OP?

Atenco I have long term make friends. One in particular who I see without his wife. Just friends, nothing sexual.

One I know that if his relationship with me caused his wife one moments pain he would drop me in a heartbeat (as he should).

And I would regret it and miss him but respect the choice he'd made.

Friends come and go from your life it's natural.

That's not what is going in here.

Well you have my sympathies op. I can see that you value your friendship hugely with this man, and would be very reluctant to let it go.

I don't think you sound controlling at all.

You are sad because your friendship may have to end.

Give them some space for now.

The woman was drunk
You do not know what your friend has told his wife about those conversations you and friend had
You have done nothing wrong but that is not more important than friend having a happy marriage
Leave friend to resolve this in the privacy of his marriage

All his emotional outlets should go to his wife. They are not going to his wife, some of them are going to you.

Your mental and emotional connections should go to your husband. Some of them are not getting there. You give too much headspace and attention to him.

I can't see that having sex would do that much more damage.

I firmly believe that you can have friends of the opposite sex. I have a few good male friends. Everyone seems to think it suspicious.

Personally I think she is just hormonal, needy and finding it all a bit hard.

Send her some flowers and a sincere apology. Back off a bit and try to build more of a friendship with the wife. That might save your friendship.

Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met

I think it was very wrong if you continue the friendship with him, taking into account the above.

Also you texted him when he went home after the wife's breakdown? What the fuck were you thinking? I think your boundaries are messed up. You seem more worried about losing the guy as a 'friend' than about the distress you've caused his wife.

The wife is jealous and angry and she's right to be.