My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

[nancyfromthefarm]

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

Insecure bitches?

You'll forgive me if I take whatever a man-pleasing mysoginist says with an ocean full of salt, dearie.

You keep concentrating on being a 'cool wige' and desperately trying to prove that and I'll keep being secure in my marriage AND knowing that boundaries exist for a reason. :)

I think having the odd moan about your spouse to a good friend or relative, or a more in depth conversation if you're having difficulties, is normal. But if I heard a friend of DH's (male or female) say something like "I know for sure that they aren't having problems because he would have told me", I personally would feel that too much was being disclosed too regularly. And I'd find that level of presumption in the part of the friend really off-putting too.

I much prefer my world, I would hate to spend my life feeling so worried by every female DH is friends with & I am proud that I married a man who was more than happy that an ex of mine is DDs godfather

Well done you! Aren't you cool RockinHippy?

Just in case it needs saying ( and I think it does), there are many, many degrees of trust on the spectrum that starts with "insecure" and ends with "I'm OK with M/F friendships, but expect some respect and boundaries in there somewhere".

And for every Oh so very cool wife out there, there's a very sad tale of a wife whose trust was abused and misplaced. It's about finding a balance, not labelling other women as "insecure bitches" because they're not laid back enough to get your approval.

Insecure bitches?? Sure I guess I was an insecure bitch when my ex was texting his female friend constantly throughout the day. I guess I was insecure right up to when he left me for said woman.

Male/Female relationships arent the problem here, its really shitty boundaries and too much intimacy and talk about "What ifs"

It's clear that op and friend are far more intimate than they will admit to.

I work in a nearly all male environment and along the way I had male friendships and a couple of instances of feeling a vibe the wife wasn't happy.

My rule is to always back off as I don't want to come between a couple and I don't want to become hated. It just isn't worth it.

I probably would talk to my closest and oldest friend if I was having problems in my marriage, I think DH would probably talk to his. I don't think that is disloyal

I think that is a healthy approach actually. I never could accept the prohibition on talking about problems in a relationship, sometimes it helps to put things in perspective.

I think talking about relationship issues with friends is very normal.I think the issue is the friend then proclaiming that they knew their friend better than their own spouse.

It's not about "prohibition", it's about respecting your partner's right to privacy. I've already said that talking about relationship issues with friends and family is normal and healthy. But to the extent that someone can say "they aren't having problems because he definitely would have told me" crosses a boundary for me. As if the OP just can't imagine that her friend might have held back information about his relationship because perhaps his wife didn't want him discussing it, or he didn't feel comfortable discussing it himself, or just thought it was none the OP's business. As if the friend was obliged to tell her.

Exactly Mrsfrumble. There was a note of ownership in the OP's posts.

Thank you MissBattleaxe.

DH has a female friend from university. They used to write long letters to each other. Now they correspond by emails, which I'm guessing are pretty deep and thoughtful, seeing as DH is a deep and thoughtful sort of person. I've no doubt they've discussed me, and DH may have confided in her when I've pissed him off. That wouldn't bother me. But if she felt entitled to know all the details of our marriage, it would.

There are a few voices of reason scattered amongst those that seem to project something I am also not seeing onto the OP, but such a small percentage of reasonable voices makes me realise that too many women are just insecure bitches & no matter how much they protest that m/F friendships are acceptable, even in marriage, reality is something else

What is in actuality sad is your own seeming inability to respect perspectives that diverge from your own without resorting to snide insult and misogynist pigeon-holing. It must make forming mutually fulfilling relationships rather tricky.

I much prefer my world, I would hate to spend my life feeling so worried by every female DH is friends with & I am proud that I married a man who was more than happy that an ex of mine is DDs godfather

I've already stated that DH is godfather to a close female friend's son. He is also good friends with an ex of his who is now married to another of his good friends. You are choosing to ignore what it is that makes this set-up troubling: not in any way the sexes of the parties involved, but the attitudes of the parties involved. OP is proprietorial, her attitude assumes her own primacy in his life, and she appears oblivious to the fact that this is a man with a wife and a child, who are not solely potential obstacles to her ability to enjoy his company. Those are not indications of a relationship any sensible woman would be happy with, because this OP is not demonstrating the least respect for the wife, or the marriage. That is what is different about the many relationships my husband and I have - we are all respectful of other people's marriages, and our own.

My siblings and I all have at least one godparent that dated one of our parents a long long time ago. They have remained very good friends for many decades, and it's lovely. My godfather married one of my sisters' godmothers :) However they are all very much friends of both my mother and my father, and when my father died they were all incredibly supportive to my mother. I doubt very much that my mother would have remained friends with someone who didn't also love (fraternally) my father and vice versa. Having a friendship that is just 'accepted' by a partner is a bit sad really. I can see why someone might feel like a gooseberry in those circumstances, and I would feel guilty, not angry if I had spoiled a rare night out for a friend.

Atenco:
I probably would talk to my closest and oldest friend if I was having problems in my marriage, I think DH would probably talk to his. I don't think that is disloyal

How would you feel if this was what the closest female friend of your husband's said about communication in your relationship:

'... he isn't as open with her about some of the suff he has discussed with me but that isn't up to me, I guess he doesn't tell her because he doesn't feel she would have much empathy. He has to be pretty strong for her and it is hard for him to show her his weaknesses.'

I much prefer my world, I would hate to spend my life feeling so worried by every female Dh is friends With

No one has said on here that their husbands shouldn't have female friends. People have only pointed out that there are boundaries in a relationship that shouldn't be crossed, for example, the Op has most definitely crossed the boundaries in her situation by not giving a shit that her H and her friends wife are being excluded from their 'cosy little chats', for one thing.

Rockin
You may well one day eat your words if someone someday walks into your H's life, be it at work or wherever, and makes it obvious that she wants to be closer to your man than she should be.
If someone ever does threaten your relationship, and you confide in a friend about it, I take it that your friend should just dismiss you as an 'insecure bitch' shall I?

Of course men and women can be friends. The problem is, this situation is just a friends situation.

I have a male friend who I see everyday. We chat about things and he sometimes tells me things that he wouldn't tell his male friends. Mainly asking advice about his daughters.

We have never discussed whether we would be together if we met when we were single, anything he tells me (or I him) wouldn't be his from our partners, I don't think I know him better, I don't hold conversations about our shared interests and freeze her or my dh out.

One thing is for certain if his girlfriend felt uncomfortable or threatened by our relationship I would back off. Completely.

I would also be wondering what he was communicating to her about our friendship that makes her feel like that. And yes if it came to it I would cut contact.

He is a dear friend, but that is his partner and mother of his children. I would not cause problems because I couldnt let go of him. I would be sad. But I would do it.

Spartans- sounds like you've got a balanced and healthy approach.

mathanxiety

I stand corrected. I didn't notice that bit, duh, and that comment is indeed horrible.

I don't think there's anything wrong with healthy male-female friendships outside a marriage. However remarks such as the one mathanxiety quoted make this behind-the-wife's-back collusion into an emotional affair.