My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

[nancyfromthefarm]

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

Shallow people are often given to intellectual pretentiousness to disguise the fact that they're not capable of deep thinking, Scarlet.

The OP was probably pissed and knackered last night. No one sounds at their most considerate and nuanced at 1am after a night out, surely?

Well, that's true, but even pissed and knackered I think the order of thought is revealing.

I honestly think the lack of concern about her husband is worrying. My DP is as laid back as a person can be without accidentally dropping off to sleep, and I'm sure is secure in our relationship but I think if someone had accused me of having feelings for someone else that my focus would have been on my relationship - even if it was just going to bed at the same time as my DP - rather than sitting up and stewing on what it meant for the other friendship.

Corbyns- drunk or not, she is arguing passionately in favour of a passionate friendship that has lasted 15 years. I don't imagine she will sober up and not think these things any more.

OP- you come across as angry because your friendship is being threatened

I am not bitching about his wife, I am sympathetic but she is just plain wrong.Even if I did just stop seeing him, texting him I don't think he would stop.

This ^^ contradictory sentence was a big red flag. And you wonder why the friendship is bugging the wife?

Baroness that's what I thought, such an important friendship, then they don't see each other until the baby is seven months old?!

Chances are, DW has been stalling this meet up, because she feels uncomfortable.

Fair or not, that's how she feels op, and you stropping about it, and putting your foot down will make your friends life very awkward indeed.

Men and women can be platonic friends. No question about it. However, I think that one of the things that needs to be straightened out with this is making sure that partners DO feel secure and don't feel uncomfortable. A bit of irrational jealousy is often produced by such friendships, but it can easily be allayed with a bit of effort and a resolution to stick within some sensible limits - that means things like no texts that either partner would object to, no secrecy in the friendship, no crossing of the boundaries of appropriacy, openness and honesty on all sides. There are some things that should be off the table, like discussing really personal things about the marriage.

Clearly, something about this is tripping your friend's wife, and (perhaps) your husband. Therefore, some extra reassurance is needed on all sides, some shoring up of the boundaries. I'm not saying that this is your fault or his fault or her fault. Frankly, I think that the blame game is the last thing that you need to be involved in right now - the fact of the matter is that feelings have been hurt by this, and there is an urgent need to reassure and to set things to rights if the relationship is to be able to continue. Moralising about who is or isn't right is actually a distraction from what needs to be done.

If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do. I would ask to see her by text and say that you want to straighten things out. I'd buy a really big bunch of lovely flowers, and I would take it with me. And I'd give her a massive hug and tell her that I respected her and her husband very much, that I was delighted to be BOTH of their friends, that I looked up to her in some area that she's good at, that I viewed her as a sister, and that I was devastated that my behaviour might have caused her hurt when there was not and never would be any attraction there (yes, I know this isn't quite true, but it OUGHT to reflect some kind of moral truth between you for the future). And I would ask her what I could do to make it better. This is NOT a mea culpa but it IS acknowledging pain caused by a misunderstanding.

Basically, I would be trying to do everything I could so that she didn't feel humiliated by the outburst, and to reassure her that all was well. I would also talk to her about how she was doing with a young baby.

I suspect she might react with tears and that it might mend things. But if she reacted horribly and unreasonably, I would back off from the friendship with both of them. And I most certainly wouldn't get involved in any plan to see the husband without the wife.

BastardGoDarkly That wasn't quite what I mean but the fact that she separates her friend from his child, she only refers to the baby as belonging to the wife. There is no acknowledgement that he is a father now too. The op does mention that she has seen her friend just not the wife which also implies that she hasn't met his child. I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't go and visit such a good friend following the birth of their child, can't believe the friend hasn't wanted to show his child off either, my husband was so proud when we had our firstborn that he wanted to shout from the rooftops and show her off to everyone.

Oh I see Baroness :)

and yes, I've wanted to see all of my friends babies as soon as they're socialising again.

Yes it's odd that the opening posts starts "just been out with a couple my husband and I are friends with" and then goes onto to talk about the "friend's wife having "her" baby".

I wonder if the OP has seen the male friend without the wife since the baby was born?

Well, I have some sympathy with the OP - I can quite see how the situation developed and when politics is so interesting at the moment it is really hard not to get drawn into conversations about it after a few drinks.

But yes, the OP's air of condescension to the wife is unattractive. I don't think in these circumstances I would force a meeting with her (she may be massively regretting her outburst and not want to see you at all) but a kind email about what a great marriage she and her DH have, how you and he have zero interest in each other that way, apologies for getting carried away in conversation, etc. Then back the fuck off with both of them.

I can't even begin to imagine being in a situation where receiving ^^ that email might be even vaguely appropriate, but 'air of condescension' pretty much nails it.

I honestly think just backing off is the only option right now. Who knows what the future holds.

Op regardless of whatever is going on with friend, you need to galvanise your own marriage. Your friend's wife was talking to your husband. What was she saying? She openly shouted at you, your posts talk about an intellectual connection with this male friend - why do you not have this with your own husband?

Honestly you have to just forget about your friend's marriage, he needs to sort that out himself without your input. You need to stop texting him about it as well. Marital difficulties are none of anyone's business unless they confide. And by that I don't just mean the man confiding in you!

You really must look after your own marriage. I can just imagine your husband going to work and working with a woman who is on his (presumably vastly inferior) intellectual level, thinking his wife doesn't care that much anyway and getting into a relationship with someone who he perceives gets him.

God this thread is depressing.

All this angst is why I won't have monogamous relationships.

It's not that I actually need to be able to have sex with more than one person.
I just want to be able to have deep emotional and affectionate relationships with my friends and be able to say to my partner "I don't fancy them, if I did I would tell you" and know that's the end of it.

If you have to gaurd your spouse so jealously to maintain the marriage is it really going to last 60+ years?

Sorry op I know that's no help to you

That's fine Herrena, I don't disagree with you, but I don't think the OP and her mate simply have a deep emotional connection, she is pretty patroninsing to his wife and her own husband while she goes about it, and that's really disrespectful. It's fine to have deep emotional connections with people, but if you have committed to someone through marriage it's not fine to have deep emotional connections where you will discuss an important matter about your marriage with your friend, but not your spouse.

If it were a true deep, affectionate platonic relationship she would be thinking "oh gosh, I should do what I can to stop causing difficulties in their marriage" because she would care about him and, by default, his wife and their new baby. But she is more concerned with herself, has an air of "he could have had me but he settled for the less intellectual crazy jealous woman", and would be angry if her friendship ended, rather than understanding.

I don't think the wife is "guarding" him? They've been a friendly group for 15 years, and during that time the OP has developed a relationship with the husband which is inappropriate to the point that his DW has exploded.

I meant to note earlier that in every post made by the OP (I'll be surprised if she comes back), she uses the word "we" in reference to her and the chap in question. There's no doubt she sees this as a partnership which she believes trumps the partnership he has with his DW.

Agree with springy above, lots of posters projecting here and picking the OPs semantics to bits.

Think Irene's approach is probably what I'd take. But I do think OP you need to talk to your H today and see how he is feeling. He must have been upset and embarrassed last night too.

Herrena, I agree with a lot of what you said.
But I think a lot of the "possessiveness" coming across on this thread is actually the OP feeling possessive about her relationship with her friend. I think she feels just as threatened by the wife as the wife does by her. Possibly (and this is a wild guess, and possibly out of line), the OP has felt a bit jealous over her friend since the baby was born.

Op, you sound terribly obsessive and possessive of this friendship - way behind what I would consider healthy. Sounds like a emotional affair not a friendship.

You wrote, "Even if I did just stop seeing him, texting him I don't think he would stop."

I wonder how much you are texting each day? I think if you revealed that, it would put your "friendship" in a completely different perspective.

Herrena, nobody on this thread is saying the OP is wrong for wanting a friendship with (gasp!) a member of the opposite sex. We're far more grown up than that.

The OP is overstepping about a million boundaries and your post misses the point.

This is not about the wife jealously guarding her marriage, it's about the OP being so possessive of the wife's husband and stepping all over areas that are bugger all to do with her. IMO the OP is not respecting her friend's marriage or his wife.

There are ways of conducting friendships with opposite sex friends, and the OP is a textbook example of how not to.

I don't disagree that long-term monogamy isn't necessarily right for everyone, but if you are going to sign up for it as per the OP, then you've got to feel a bit sorry for her that she didn't even manage it herself with someone she has a proper connection with.

She should really cut her her DH loose and let him find someone that genuinely cares about, and respects him.

Agree Dowager. She's barely mentioned her own DH.

I feel sorry for his wife and your husband.
You need to back off a to be honest and you need to apologise to both her and your DH.

Very rarely are men and women just friends. Completely platonic with the total absence of stronger feelings from one to the other, even if just by one party.

And anyway, how do you know you're not a threat to this marriage? Are you privvy to these details?

She should really cut her her DH loose and let him find someone that genuinely cares about, and respects him.

Yup.

I am in quite a similar situation. I can share if you like, to see if that would help?

I have a male friend who I have known since I was 4. We were at school and college together and were always very good friends, played at each other's houses, bike rides, den building and sleepovers and then as we got older, going out to the pub, growing up and even working together on our gap year. We lost touch for a while when we went off to university, moved away and started new lives but he joined Facebook six months ago and we got back in touch. It's almost like the time apart never happened. We still have a lot in common. I have been with my DP for 17 years and we have 2 children, he has been with his DW for 10 years and they have 3 children. I'm a SAHM and my friend is a SAHD. We've been texting/emailing back and forth, we've been out for dinner (all four of us), had BBQs which they (friend, his DW and DS) were invited to and as we're both SAHPs, we've met up during the day and gone to the beach, cinema etc. I've really missed him and it's been so good having my friend back in my life.

The only difference is that I have absolutely no attraction to this man and I'm almost 100% sure that he is not attracted to me. It'd be like developing a crush on my brother.

Sadly, his wife does not like it. I have tried to become friends with her (in another world we would get on, I'm sure of it) and there has been no secrecy, no meeting up without her knowing, she can and probably has read all of the messages between us. I will be honest and admit that in these messages that we both say how much we've missed each other's company and that we were silly to ever lose contact. We discuss our partners, our children, our lives etc. DH and my friend get on very well and have become friends as a result.

She is sad though. She feels threatened. She is unhappy.

I have decided to take a massive step back out of respect for her. There is nothing at all that she can remotely worry about. He adores her, they're happy. But she feels insecure and I don't want to be responsible for that. We text still and send the odd email here and there but we're both very careful to keep it at the level of acquaintances.

I'm not entirely sure there's any other way.

Permets- that's a shame but you sound a lot less possessive than the OP!

Just speaking from a similar experience of my own doing but for now you need to forget her and your friend for a bit focus on your husband, Don't make the mistake of assuming all is well because he hasn't spoken out recently/before doesn't mean he isn't concerned i would be surprised if he hasn't passed at least a comment or two before now if your friends wife has felt the need to speak out the way she has, You will also need to take a step back and allow them to try and heal any rift in the their marriage and at the moment she sees you as a threat to the family unit,