My close male friends wife accused us of wanting to be together

[nancyfromthefarm]

I am absolutely reeling tonight having not long got back from dinner with a couple my husband and I are friends with. It is actually me who is close friends with the husband of the other couple although I always normally get on well with his wife. We met in our early 20's (we are all late 30's now) and quickly became very close. When we met we were both with our current partners the people we would go on to marry so were never single in all the time we knew each other. Once or twice while very drunk we talked about it, not getting together but that we probably would have if we had both been single when we met. We also laughed and said it was a good thing we weren't single as we would make a terrible couple and at least this way we would always stay friends and we just agreed not to go there. We could have got together if we really wanted to neither of us was even engaged at that time but we both loved our partners and felt we would be better as friends. I has been a fantastic and treasured friendship, we have a lot in common intellectually more than anything else that we are unable to share with our spouses and it is lovely to have an outlet for those things.

For the most part both our partners have accepted our friendship without issue and we all hang out together on occasion like tonight. My friends wife had her 1st baby in February and this was the 1st time we have all got together like this since the birth.

The Baby was with a relative overnight and so my friends wife let her hair down with a few drinks. Towards the end of the evening she was very drunk and agitated. My friend and I are both very interested in politics and so had been discussing the new labour leader as well as other things when she started in on us. She was speaking to my husband saying that they should just leave and let us get on with it, that she didn't want to be a gooseberry. She then said that the only reason my friend and I married who we did was because we hadn't met each other first and that we should just put everyone out of their misery by getting together.

I tried to reassure her and so did he but she was very worked up at this point. My husband said that we should just leave, my friend agreed and we did. My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now. I don't know what to think, it may be that she is just stressed with the baby but I am scared for what this could mean. I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago and we didn't because we loved our respective partners.

I just need some advice or reassurance about this, will she be ok, is it likely to blow over?

I can't believe you text him after the argument.
That would help, in making HER feel secure, would it?

What an uncomfortable read. OP, I hope you're able to read through this in the cold light of day and see what nearly every other poster is seeing in your posts...

I also agree you need to step right back as your relationship with this woman's DH is obviously causing major issues within their marriage, and her drunken outburst suggests it's been barely contained for some time. If you are so well informed about their marriage, it's surprising you did not already know, or at least sense this was coming.

Reading through this, I have honestly been staggered by how you talk about your friendship. You're arguing that she doesn't own him, but the sense of entitlement in this thread is coming from you, and only you.

Try and be honest with yourself - I don't mean this as an attack. His wife obviously feels lines are being crossed. I'd say your DH is not entirely comfortable with the situation either (but you don't want to focus on that). Being brutally honest, your posts seem smug and almost deliberately obtuse in some ways - you're pitching the friendship as some kind of right-on connection / meeting of minds, but the more you write, the more it's clear that you have a sense of ownership over your friend and superiority over his wife.

I am willing to remove myself further if it will help but I'd be very upset, angry even if I lost my friendship over her feeling irrationally posessive

She's not irrationally possible. Her feelings are totally rational. You're sniffing around like a vulture, keeping her husband in a holding pattern. She's called you out. You have a cheek. Her husband hasn't covered himself in glory either. He shouldn't be encouraging you.

You've damned yourself to a completely objective audience by your own words, OP. We're hearing (only) your side, but we're not taking your side.

Think about it.

I suspect the wife is feeling insecure about her relationship with her husband post-baby because it will have changed a lot. It can't be easy for her in those circumstances to see her husband so close to another woman even if it is completely platonic. You need to let them work this out for themselves.

And you should not feel put out if he prioritises his marriage and family over you.

You've admitted you would have got together if you weren't with your partners. Therefore you must feel attracted to each other!

Can you imagine how you would feel if your DH had cosy chats with someone who you knew he once fancied? And the woman insisted she knew him better than you and who felt you were rather intellectually inferior? You also knew that your H would be telling her everything about your marriage?

You have stayed all of the above but when pulled up on it have said "No, I did t mean that". Well it's funny how every single person on here has got the same impression from your remarks.

You scream I could have had him

You are totally in the wrong here OP. You need to understand that!

I feel sorry for his wife, she's just had a baby and then you are still there behaving like a star crossed lover. She's obviously picked up what is so blatantly glaring on here. You think you know him in a way that she won't understand.
As for your dh being quiet he probably knows it's the truth as well.
What you need to do is back the hell away from them and give them their privacy. Sounds like you need a lesson in boundaries!

OP I don't think there are many women who would be okay with their husband having this sort of friendship...

From what you've said here you do see yourself as superior to her. She'll be able to smell that a mile off.

You need to give them space to work this out.
You might be able to recover the friendship in time, but for now you should steer clear and let him reassure her.
She obviously feels very threatened by your friendship, which may not be logical or reasonable but to her it is real and very painful.
Please have some compassion for her.

Op, you say your husband was quiet, was OK just dislikes confrontation. Do you think perhaps he was avoiding confrontation with you?

What you have posted doesn't sound very nice. It's quite clear you are attracted to him and you seem to making out she should be grateful you didn't do anything years ago,like you done her a favour almost! Stop and think about this. Everything you have said points to an attraction and you thinking you have a 'better' bond. Some of what you've written you may as well rewrite as 'his wife doesn't understand him like I do' , which is what normally comes out of the mouths of those having affairs or looking for one. Do you see why she is upset yet?

She may well know about the past, I imagine you share things with your husband that you don't with anyone else,right? Well, they will too. If you two were then blocking your spouses out of the conversation,especially given the way you talk on here, I can see exactly why it would have looked as it did! You are also very possessive and I find it odd that you think she has no rights,shouldn't be a priority and your first/only concern last night was to text him when you got home.

Why not text her and try to put her at ease, show concern for her? Why not worry about what your husband thinks? If it was me, I think the first thing I'd be worried about is whether my (fictional!) husband thought the same and whether I had hurt him or caused him discomfort. Not the male 'friend' !

All I hear in your OP is possession on your side - you think you could have had him, but you "let" her instead. That's how it comes across. Like you think you could click your fingers and take him.

Why she's only flipped now, I don't know.

But your OP left a nasty taste in my mouth.

OP I hope all is well this morning and you've had a chance to read back through all these posts.
please listen to what people are telling you.
Have an honest conversation and find out how this really makes your husband feel and then leave your friend alone.

You and your male friend have been having an emotional affair in plain sight for years and your only concern is that the "irrational" wife might break it up.

To answer your question, due entirely to your proprietary attitude towards her dh, the dw isn't "ok" and it's highly unlikely that this is going to "blow over".

You haven't said whether the evening was spent in a restaurant or whether the dw prepared a meal for you and your dh but, in any event, she was most probably looking forward to childfree time spent in the company of adults where the wine and the conversation flowed with ease.

That said, it could be that she reluctantly agreed to hand her pfb over to relatives and was dreading an evening spent in your company because you've always exuded an air of 'I could have had your dh if I'd wanted him', and because she knows that the pair of you have communicated with each other in a manner that is both singularly inappropriate and disrepectful of your spouses.

Nevertheless, after all of the effort she'd gone to, what she got was you monopolising her dh in conversation and the pair of you droning on about Corbyn while fancying yourselves to possess intellectual abilities far above those of your bored rigid audience and, in this, you appear to be as ill-mannered as you are lacking in empathy for her.

You also haven't said whether you have dc but, regardless, it's time for you and your dh to end your friendship with this couple in order that they can concentrate their energies on themselves and their dc as their marriage can only improve once you're out of it.

It's to be hoped that once in your self-entitled life you'll do the decent thing by putting yourself last, and this is the time to do it.

Well said BathtimeFunkster

At the very least , when in company as a foursome, it is quite rude to have an extended, intense, conversation between only two of the group . She has had a baby. It may have been her only night off for months . And such rudeness left her feeling left out. Not good manners and highly, highly insensitive of her DH.

Nancy My husband was a bit quiet on the way home, not angry but he has gone to bed. I have texted my friend and his wife is apparently sleeping now.
Back. Off. Now.

Oh and the agreeing not to go there thing?

That's because actually, you don't have him on the strung that you think you do.

I've got an ex who sends me "I was such a fool 10 years ago" (when he dumped me) type messages. I was the love of his life, the one, he was a fool not to commit, etc...

I get these messages whenever he gets a new girlfriend. Oh look - I'm not single, I can 'safely' indulge this.

When we're not single, he talks about how he was planning to move to my country, work out we could be together - but, oh look - timing! Yet again.

When we're both single, the offers of marriage are less forthcoming

After years of this pattern, I absolutely see the ego stroke that we have been for each other. I'm over that now, he's so flakey that it doesn't stroke my ego any more! But he has, for his own reasons what I think is a genuine commitment issue and nostalgia trip going on. He's the same about s girlfriend before me, which is what finally cleared my head about him.

Anyway - lots about me!

My point is - no, he isn't yours for the taking. You like to flatter yourselves about that - but he made his choice because he DIDN'T want you. Or you him. You both want the ego stroke though, and that's not fair on your partners!

Why would you insist on persisting in this "closeness" with your friend when you now know it is damaging his marriage?

You have built up an intimacy with this man which is simply not normal or appropriate. I would be dreadfully hurt if my DH thought he could only share parts of himself with another woman rather than me. It would erode the intimacy he and I share, and utterly smacks of the "my wife doesn't understand me" line.

"Why does she get to decide?" because she is his wife. That means she is more important than you.

I am not surprised she doesn't like you, what with your "we are so intellectually matched and our spouses can't keep up with us" attitude. Yuk.

Oh I feel so sorry for her. How selfish and inconsiderate both you and he are being. She has had a baby, doesn't get many nights out I am sure, and on a precious night out has to sit and make conversation with your husband, who does not sound as if he is her particular friend, while you and he discuss subjects that you know do not interest her and that you consider her intellectually unable to join in with! I am astounded you can possibly blame her. I am also amazed she agreed to spend time with you. Leave them alone.

I couldn't believe the reams of YANBU posts, and then I read bathtimefunkster's post. That. Exactly that.

You've pre-built an affair here. It's not happening yet, from what you've said, but you've got the checklist all ready.

A friendship with spouses to hide behind - check
Secrets shared just between the two of you - check
Acknowledgement of sexual attraction - check

You even needed to text him as soon as you left. If his wife had been awake, if he'd been defending your friendship, how would that have looked? You can't bear the idea that your emotional closeness is coming apart, that there is hurt, that he's not thinking about you.

You can wrap it up however you like, but your friend's wife has seen right through your fake friendship, and I would imagine that your husband will start to see through it now too.

You don't get to be soulmates with someone else's husband, you can't keep someone else's husband to be your back-up or to boost your ego.

And let's face it, if it was actually a genuine friendship rather than a hidden romance or a control thing, you'd be horrified that you are causing him pain and you'd back right off. And I bet this isn't the first he's heard of this - he probably just hasn't told you out of loyalty to his wife.

I don't understand people who deny the possibility of a sexless friendship with a person of the opposite sex. My dd's best friend is a lesbian and again, no sexual element has ever come into their friendship. I don't think you sound patronising or unpleasant about his wife, either.

She hasn't expressed one iota of sympathy for the wife, and is very possessive of her married friend.

We kind of fell in love a bit
We could have got together if we really wanted to
I want to say to her that that isn't how we feel about each other, if we had wanted to go down that road we could have years ago
we just really really liked each other
he isn't as open with her about some of the stuff he has discussed with me

This friendship is incompatible with a marriage.