For those of you who do online dating, what tips do you have and what have you learned

[bodenbiscuit]

From experience?

What are the signs a man is actually going to be worth your time?

Do you think a decent man should want to go out for dinner? I am in two minds about this. If it's a distaster you don't want to be stuck for hours. OTOH I think if someone suggests dinner it shows that they are more willing to make an effort to spend time talking, not getting drunk and increasing their chances of getting laid!

I would say avoid men with shirtless photos. I had one guy message me that he had been sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend while the friend was on holiday - how to make a good impression!

One of my pet hates is men who "like" your profile, or tick yes to "meet me", you get a mutual like so message them ... nothing. I don't get it!

a) They can't handle a woman messaging them first, even though they're so passive all they can do is give you a like
b) On a paid site (e.g. Match) they've let their payment lapse and can't send messages until they reinstate payment
c) They signed up and liked your profile while drunk, then the next morning remembered they were married.

And the amount of bad profile pics is staggering. I once got a message from a guy who said "I've never fucked a fat girl before, are your tits really that big or have you padded your bra?" His profile photo was a face shot from below, revealing his three sweaty unshaven chins in all their glory. He was way bigger than me. He wasn't even smiling.

On OKC if you both like each other it suggests you send a message. So I did and...the guy just said he didn't think we were a match...

I never do "chat". It always seems to descend too quickly into "So what sort of things do you like?" - meaning sexual things. They just want to fap off while you type I think.

brokenhearted55a I know, I can't overlook overweight either. The man who sent me his photo via email (he doesn't have one up on the site) is overweight. Not by that much, but he has a pint in one hand. The photo is of him in a beer garden (?) and he looks happy, but a drinker, and overweight and I know that no matter how nice he is I could never, ever, .... you know :-/

So, what next, reply and say ''oh you look nice''. Then he'll reply, and then I ignore THAT reply. Is that less hurtful than ignorinng the message with the photo in it?

obsidianblackbird I think that's true. In their profiles, they present themselves as interesting, clever, evolved but then a woman messages them, a succinct message that shows genuine interest in their own profile, and they ignore it!? And, these guys, their settings don't exclude messages from women my age, so perhaps they have their own rules. Like, I'll reply to a woman in her mid 40s but only if she's like Cate Blanchette or Gwyneth Paltrow. Who knows............. And I'm not beautiful but I am ''attractive''. So what are they waiting for? claudia schiffer's daughter ?

ps, Brokenhearted I didn't mean to imply that you were in any way naive to have believed that somebody who talked about the future wasn't just ''fooling around while he was single"*

I would assume that too! Other people's horror stories will make me attempt to extract a 'statement of intent' out of a man before I sleep with him now. I'm not looking to get married! But I do not want to be somebody's stop gap. Nor did you, I know. No wonder you were hurt.

yes - i think they ARE waiting for Claudia Schiffer's daughter.
they often feel entitled and that they deserve the big-boobed supermodel having done the hard yards (i.e. normal women) for years.

i got a strong sense of entitlement from men on OD.
they seemed to think that if they didn't settle they would eventually get the stunner. that - despite looking like the back of a bus themselves.

Absolutely. Men (probably not only men, but particularly men) will say ANYTHING to get some sex.

Yupp......... I hear you. Perhaps it's not always as straightforward as a LIE though.

and I know I really hurt a guy last year. (Not from OLD) but I met him and I thought 'bam', like un coup de foudre, that we were going to be a big thing. I know he felt I was really serious about him. And then he did something which changed how I felt about him. He took something from my past and kind of gave it a different interpretation. Like, I had told him why I had done something.. He nodded, then later, seemed to hand it back to me with a different, much more negative interpretation. It mightn't seem like much, to react to so instantly and so categorically but I completely went off him, very quickly. And i know he thought that that meant that my feelinngs for him had all been fabricated. Theyy were real at the time but they did evaporate.

lol, at 'doing the hard yards' (normal women) for years.

And does it work out for them!?!? I mean how many very attractive women will think, OK, I'll just go out with his guy then, he's older than the partner I'd like, but hey ho.

I get that men who are particularly handsome, particularly charismatic &/or in positions of power have more luck.

Yes, I made the right decision but he could never acknowledge it. He focused on how used he felt. The ONLY conclusion he could accept was that I was a bad person who'd used him. He couldn't see that maybe, my feelings changed as I got to know him better. That sounds harsh! but sometimes, you get to know people better and your feelings go away, not intensify. I'd known him five months by the time I ended it.

the men i know who are still dreaming of their very own supermodel remain unhappily single.

some men just simply haven't worked out that they should deal with what's in front of them and available to them i.e. perfectly nice attractive solvent women. rather than drooling over what's in GQ and convincing themselves that: "yes if i hold out, Gisele Bundchen will eventually move in next door to me and fall in love with me."

And porn doesn't help them. I think some of these guys can no longer feel 'sexual' about normal women. So used to wanking over images of the most beautiful women in the world they just don't feel it for normal women. So fucked up!

yep - porn has been the killer, IMO. the kiss of death for romance and normal real-life dating.

eeeooooow... that is disgusting! The guy I went out with that I mentioned, the first time I went round to his house (and he was also living in rented house with flatmates, well in to his 30s....) i saw sheets on the line,and at least I knew he'd put clean sheets on the bed. I thought that was sweet. I think sometimes men grow to dislike you for having what they don't have. Like, that man I mentioned, to begin with when I told him my 'story' ie, that I'd had a bad relationship too,left it with nothing, saved for six years, got a job, gone to court (twice) to fight for maintenance, and then finally been able to buy a small place, he was to begin with happy for me. Then after about four or five months,I dunno, he seemed to resent it

I was so bloody lucky to meet my DP on match. I had to sort a lot of bad from the good, admittedly, but it was worth it in the end!
I say scrap the rule book and trust your gut instinct. It might not always be right, but at least you tried.

My DP failed most of the OLD rules I'd set, but it was only when I realised how desperately I wanted him to pass that I though sod it - and threw the rule book out the window.

Online dating is tough, and I'm incredibly fortune that he turned out to be the person was. But even if first dates don't lead to anything more - its really not the end of the world.

18 months down the line, we live together with our lovely puppy, and the future looks great. And I certainly don't care that he posted a picture of himself with a pint in his hand and wouldn't tell me his favourite joke over messaging because "its too rude"!!!

I hear you re your x's "exhaustion"

I remember one day when my x was to come over for dinner (he'd no money, we never once went out for a meal in a restaurant). Anyway, I got up at 6.30, chopped an onion and two red peppers in preparation for the vegan meal I was going to cook him later (he was vegan). I got dressed, and got two children ready for school. Then I went to work. AFter I got home from work I made kids' dinner whilst tidying up and making sure the homework was done. Then I finished the vegan meal, set the table, made the place nice, made myself nice, and, he showed up 15 minutes late with NO wine. He was a student at the time. I can't believe it now, typing it. What the hell was I doing!!!!??? And him a student, resenting me (and that resentment growing more palpable over time) for having a place to live. He had a place to live too, but I mean, not having a landlord. I work only 32 hours a week and the times never changed. Every day he'd say something that proved he wasn't listening like "are you working tomorrow?" and for the millionth time I'd say, unless it's monday, I'm working!!! Then again, on a thursday evening "are you working tomorrow?"

But believe it or not! I'm ready to try again!

I do notice things like 'is this guy listening to me or just waiting for me to stop talking?' now, taht I wouldn't have spotted years ago.