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Original poster

For those of you who do online dating, what tips do you have and what have you learned

315 replies

bodenbiscuit · 14/09/2015 10:03

From experience?

What are the signs a man is actually going to be worth your time?

Do you think a decent man should want to go out for dinner? I am in two minds about this. If it's a distaster you don't want to be stuck for hours. OTOH I think if someone suggests dinner it shows that they are more willing to make an effort to spend time talking, not getting drunk and increasing their chances of getting laid!

I would say avoid men with shirtless photos. I had one guy message me that he had been sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend while the friend was on holiday - how to make a good impression!

OP posts:
Awholelottanosy · 28/09/2015 09:37

Some men can be really weird in bed and you don't find that out until you DTD unfortunately!

At least you know now...

LoisPuddingLane · 28/09/2015 09:46

Yes, true. To be honest, apart from being a bit more aggressive than is my taste, he wasn't that weird in bed. But that thing about the bleeding. FARKING HELL.

LoisPuddingLane · 28/09/2015 13:13

Sorry for the drip feed, but I'm remembering more now. He kept telling me how "experienced" he was. Why would anyone need to say that? Either it's patently obvious or it isn't. And if it isn't, so what? I've been with some great inexperienced people.

God, I really can pick them. NEXT.

MadeMan · 28/09/2015 21:16

"He kept telling me how "experienced" he was. Why would anyone need to say that?"

Yeah experienced doesn't always mean good. Someone could be a painter and decorator for 30 years and still be crap.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 17:39

Sorry to dig this thread up from the dead, but I just wanted some advice as I feel a bit weirded.

I didn't really want to see that guy (above) again and he didn't contact me, so I thought let's just leave it at that. Then I got another "If I don't contact you..." message. Which I found a bit odd because, if you want to see someone you would ask to see them surely? Not try and guilt them into contacting you. We exchanged a few messages then but I had no desire to see him - and he didn't ask.

Then this week, about a month after the last, I got a "And now you've completely disappeared..." message.

Firstly, take a fucking hint, man. But it makes me feel weird and a bit scared. It doesn't sound like he wants to see me, but that he doesn't like me not wanting to see him. There has been no chat, banter, messaging, invitations, anything, in between these two weird passive aggressive messages.

Should I just carry on ignoring, or say something nicely neutral about there not seeming to be much motivation to meet up on either side. I would normally just ignore, but there is something about this guy that makes me very uncomfortable.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 30/11/2015 19:10

I'd ignore. He's weird as fuck and responds offkey. There's a good chance he'll take any contact as encouragement.

Anyway to block him?

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 19:17

I dunno, can one block mobile numbers?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/11/2015 19:24

Marking place

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 30/11/2015 19:28

People here've said that it depends on the mobile provider.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 19:32

I'll see if I can. I don't know why I'm so worried, but I am. I'm probably being a drama llama but I wonder if blocking the number might things worse.

Lacoba66 · 30/11/2015 19:34

If you have an iPhone lois, then I can talk you through it, if not then google it maybe. If you can't on your phone, you can call provider and if you say you are being harassed, then they can do it from their end.

Go with your gut though, if he is freaking you out, then better safe than sorry.

blueobsessive · 30/11/2015 19:41

I met my DH internet dating (guardian). What worked for us was meeting up for a drink at 7 or 730 on a school night in central London. I picked a place I knew (but I never mentioned that I was familiar with it). If the conversation was flowing I'd suggest dinner at an informal inexpensive but nice Turkish place around the corner. We'd split the bill. Conversation did really flow the night DH and I met. We chatted until he missed the last train (unbeknownst to me he had a long night bus trip home). We had our wedding reception at the restaurant earlier this year.

In the months before we met I had a few weird messages through OLD (did not reply) and met a few boring people, but no stalker/ nasties. The low point was driving all the way to Putney (an afternoon date) because the date said there was a really good place to have hot chocolate - but then when I arrived said he'd changed his mind and suggested we go to wetherspoons. Sadly no sparky conversation...

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 19:44

It's actually really easy - I just looked it up. I think before doing it, I will send a polite message just to say I don't think either of us is that interested, really. That's why these messages seem odd. He's odd. Whole thing is odd. I'm going to become a nun.

ChippyOikInAWowGuna · 30/11/2015 19:58

yes, I think some men don't get it that you're not chasing after them. There's a guy, only three years younger than I am, but we are on different pages so I decided not to pursue it. Every time it's died down and I think 'right, this time that's the last I hear of him' he comes back with a back from the dead text.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 30/11/2015 20:02

he sounds very creepy lois. the 'liking it rough' and claiming that someone paid him to shag her til she bled. there's an uncomfortable taste for violence here. Most likely he's an extreme fantasist, specially as he's claimed some other really unlikely things. But that hint of violence is enough to put anyone on their guard. Your instincts are good here.

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2015 20:07

Wouldn't it depend on your phone? iPhones can certainly block numbers.

He sounded unhinged and a bloody nightmare - why on earth would you want to see him again?

pocketsaviour · 30/11/2015 20:19

Any smartphone can block any mobile or landline number, BTW. If you google "Block number [my phone model]" you'll get instructions.

If you don't have a smartphone (you retro devil, you) then you'd need to contact your mobile provider and ask if they can do it for you.

Lacoba66 · 30/11/2015 20:19

I personally wouldn't send a message and then block, as if he tries to respond quickly and you've blocked, then he will suss that out. I would just block and then he may well think that you have changed your number.

You owe him nothing!

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 21:09

I think I've done it. It's a Samsung beam i8530 and I've put him on the reject list of callers. Whether that blocks texts, I'm not sure.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2015 21:45

I've also installed an app to block text messages now. Belt and braces. I just wish he hadn't been to my house. Not that he's shown any signs of being one to hang around or look for me but it was stupid to let him come here.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 01/12/2015 07:48

fwiw given his rather weird other claims, it seems much more likely that he's a rather bizarre fantasist than some horror-film escapee. If he does come back to haunt you somehow, maybe make it clear that any further contact will be considered harassment. But he'll just move onto the next woman, who will probably also pick up the signals and back off quick :)

Foreverlexicon · 01/12/2015 09:06

I did OD for a good year or so and have been successful - well a year in and she's recently moved 70 miles to live with me.

Def don't take it too seriously, drinks for the first one is generally good (although I got a lot of free meals which was nice Grin)

If it didn't go anywhere I was programmed to just think 'Next!'

However, I did everything wrong with my 'success story' for what it's worth.

After a long time of meeting men and not being vaguely attracted to any of them I did some soul searching regarding parts of me that I'd ignored for 7 years whilst in a LTR with a man and met a couple of girls and it instantly went better.

The night I met my DP, I did everything wrong. Spoke online for two days, chatted on the phone, added each other on Facebook so was fairly sure she was who she said she is.

Realised she was much further away than I realised. We err booked a hotel room, she greeted me at the door with a glass of wine. Proceeded to get very drunk, had dinner then went clubbing and I don't remember much of the night. Amazingly it's actually turned into an incredible relationship and I'm very happy.

But obviously that was pretty unsafe and I don't suggest anyone does that Hmm

LoisPuddingLane · 01/12/2015 09:19

Oh god, I've done some pretty unsafe things too. Like driving to a house in the Hertfordshire countryside to meet a woman at her home - we'd only met once before for drinks. It was all fine and dandy but I've done all the things I'd warn my own daughter not to do.

Regarding Fantasist Strange Bloke, I feel a bit more in control now I've blocked him. Still a bit weirded but, hopefully, as you say, he'll just move on to another person.

ChippyOik · 01/12/2015 11:25

I know, I have a 13 year old daughter and I cannot let her know that I've met people off the internet. She doesn't understand that I have 30 years experience spotting misogyny and entitlement and sexism and yet I still take precautions!!

ChippyOik · 01/12/2015 11:26

I know, I have a 13 year old daughter and I cannot let her know that I've met people off the internet. She doesn't understand that I have 30 years experience spotting misogyny and entitlement and sexism and yet I still take precautions!!