He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

Actually I take back the poor deluded part.

BTW, that feeling you're having, it's guilt. Does your friend know you're the same kind of person as the one who wrecked her marriage?

You started this thread asking all about your partner and whether he's a bastard or not, but forgot to mention that you were the OW?

I know.

You are both bastards.

What your friend is going through? You inflicted that on another human by choice.

In this case, you were just a convenient hole, and if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else, but still - you broke up a marriage, you hurt the children of that marriage, you devastated the life of a woman whose crime was imagining she was happily married and not realising she was with a philanderer.

Hm I don't think you wrecked the marriage OP, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else (as evidenced by his serial infidelity). The marriage was already wrecked when you came along, you were not special apart from being gullible enough to think he is incapable of doing the same to you. What he did to his wife was his choice and his doing. He is the one responsible there. You probably don't feel guilty because you don't feel you owe the wife anything. You didn't make any promises to her, after all. You don't sound guilty to me, you do however sound a bit smug, but that is, as said here before, massively deluded. You think cheaters are the biggest bastard, but you refuse to define your relationship in the same way as you'd have to admit the truth to yourself, so instead you convince yourself it's the greatest love story of all time.

What you need to decided is whether you want to devote yourself to a man who is capable of lying to someone he is supposedly devoted to and think nothing of it. If you do, you're a big silly to say the least.

Lynda you're way off the mark thinking it's a rich older bloke pulling a younger woman. I earn more than he does and his car is old and battered. We take it in turns to pay for meals when we go to restaurants. I'm not materialistic and nor is he.

You were a cold and uncaring person then, you're the ow! You didn't care about his wife and kids like him. You had no empathy.

If it's taking that long to get divorce someone is making it difficult. My parents were divorced within 6 months.

If he's not already cheating he will be. As soon as you're not exciting. He's really done a number on you op.

By the way he sounds like a CATCH.

I didn't say I was the OW because I didn't want the flaming. I am finding it hard to get how he could hurt his wife the way my friend has been and it's seeing her which has made me post because I'm struggling with how he could do it if he loved her. I know I'm at fault too.

I don't have reason to end it with him. I love him and we have a great relationship.

I know you all think he's a fucking bastard and it serves me right.

Lweji he does pull his weight. He's not a lazy fucker, he works hard.

Morganly I don't read obvious cheating threads as I don't want to read someone's pain, I have enough guilt.

thehypocrite of course I've looked at my own role in it. Fuck knows I know I'm not blameless. I've been a bitch as much as he has been a bastard. He's not wealthy.

Op I was an OW and know the reasons can be more complex than some young harlot stealing a loving husband from a loving wife, so I won't flame you. However you are now getting feelings that what you did was a mistake, and those feelings are right, no matter how much you try to drown them out. Your partner is capable of treating his wife horribly, he is entirely capable of doing the same to you. If you're happy with that risk then fine, good luck to you.

If you'd be gutted if he cheats on you, you're better off getting out, spending some time on yourself to figure out why you had no empathy for his wife, and why you were willing to do yourself a disservice by getting involved with such a man, and then only getting involved with a man who has the same standards and values as you.

Because all he cares about is himself and he thinks with his dick. The fact that he did it with multiple women shows he wasn't sorry and he's not going to have changed in that amount of time. You were probably the only one who fell for his bullshit tbh.

Hey comedowntome I don't believe in karma.

I believe in life lessons that comes to us all to learn. If this karma "rule" was real then why does bad happen to the good.
What is your lesson in all of this.
Your loving friend has been though the ringer and you are on the outside still looking in.
You dare not tell her your truth as you know she would right you off.

The only thing you have in common is sex.
Having little meals and being loved up in your bubble of life is not real.
Where are his children in all of this.
He will get lonely one day for his children and the grandchildren that are yet to come where will you fit in then.
Woman that come on like a bitch in heat to married men always come out last.
They think they can empower them with their body.
I feel sorry for you.
You have yet to learn your lesson about love.

My friend does know I was the OW. She knew about our affair beforehand. She thought I shouldn't have seen him in the first place as he'd hurt me.

We've been friends a long time and she knows I am there for her despite being the OW.

Ok. So to recap: you didn't want a flaming. You don't want to feel guilty. You have a fantastic relationship and you're Very Very Happy. His wife deserved it / was old and boring and you're not. He's a bastard but he won't do it to you .... So why did you even post this? If you want a moment of sisterhood encouragement here, why the hell have you let yourself sink into this situation? Get out and do better!

I don't have reason to end it with him. I love him and we have a great relationship

I bet that's what he and his wife thought too at first.

Thing is, when things do go a bit pear shaped (and life means things aren't always rosy) his default setting is not to solve them and to love go outside of the relationship.

Worse than that you'll not know and you'll continue to waste your prime on a man who's fucking around when you could have been back on the market and meet somebody who knows how to stay committed to making relationships a success.

What did you want to get out of this thread? Did you want people to say 'oh no, your DP sounds lovely!'?

You're both cheaters. Neither of you gave any thought to the other people in this relationship who were inevitably going to get hurt. And you didn't even have the courage to say you were the OW.

I'm glad that there are difficult feelings surfacing for you, as you see your friend going through this pain. You did that to another woman. It's not just 'is my DP a bastard?' It's you too.

... and now you tell us that he's moved straight in with you, you do all the housework and you earn more than him. But that's OK because he's not materialistic

Wake up. You are being used.

Ffs OP, this man is not a good father. He spent 10 years of his children's life fucking other women behind their mother's back. He's a scumbag and you're a fool.

I don't read obvious cheating threads as I don't want to read someone's pain, I have enough guilt

I don't think you do actually. I think that what you have is denial.

You keep mentioning how he hurt his wife but never the DC: odd.

It's not great to be the OW but he was the married one with children.

If you earn more than him don't rush to be buying property together or marry him! You might find yourself subsidising his lecherous old age.

You chased this old, philandering married guy with kids and he's not even wealthy!!

Wow just rtft. You both sound just awful! He is not a good role model for his kids and he betrayed them too. What do they think of him now? He's going to think it's ok to cheat on you. And you've provided him with a cushy lifestyle. Wake up! Why do you believe it's different with you?

The sense of unease you're feeling is your subconscious telling you that something isn't right. You are trying to rationalise that feeling away, but I would imagine it isn't working? That's your instincts talking. Listen to them.

You've seen the damage done to your friend - I'm assuming she's a nice person, and assuming her ex has used some of the same lines your partner did - they all use the same script I'm afraid. The wife isn't giving him enough sex, or affection, or attention (pesky kids and career, amirite?) it was getting dull, she doesn't get him (you do of course, yes?) so now you're seeing the true impact cheating has and you're feeling your guilt. In effect, you've done exactly what the ow in your friend's case did. You probably never set out to cause harm, but now you're seeing it up close and it's very difficult to deal with.

It's much easier to bury your head in the sand and rationalise those feelings away than it is to say, " you know what, there are some good things in this relationship but I went really wrong here. Lesson learned, I'm outta here."

He's not divorced from his wife, and if she hadn't have found out, he'd never have left her. You'd be the latest in a long, sad line of affairs. Of course, when she did sling him out, he conveniently had somewhere to go. Serial shaggers are like that. They don't really care about anything else but their own needs and comfort. He didn't have a drunken one night stand, or an ill advised snog at the office Xmas do - he had multiple affairs over multiple years with multiple women. As soon as he's a bit bored with you, he'll do the same. Maybe if you're sick, or having a tough time at work. When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

I'd do a little experiment. Stop doing his ironing and shagging him on demand. See how his personality changes. I bet it will.

As to the title of your thread, we are our actions. If it acts like a bastard, it probably is. You need to have a long, hard think about this relationship - there's no benefit in flagellating yourself with guilt but your gut is telling you something (exactly what everyone on this thread is telling you) and you're not listening.

OP. You slept with a man you knew to be in a relationship

Your partner slept with you while he was still in a relationship.

How is that anything but despicable behaviour from you both?

I don't have reason to end it with him

How about:

1. He's a serial adulterer, and has given you no compelling reasons to believe he won't do the same to you when your relationship is out of the honeymoon period

1. He expects you to do the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning even though you both work hard

1. He doesn't want DC with you, he's not considering a vasectomy reversal and you're approaching the age when this will become more and more of an issue (unless you don't want DC yourself - in which case ignore this one)

1. He's 20 years older than you - in 20 years time you'll probably still be working full time and in good health while he'll be in his 70s and expecting you to care for him (while still doing all the housework)

It sounds to me like, until you saw your friend go through it, you honestly didn't realise the extent of the pain the two of you caused his wife. That's a little hard for some of us to swallow, but if it's true, then at least you're giving it some serious thought now, even though it's a little late in the day.

Doing most of the housework makes you a massive, massive mug, yes.