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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
DoJo · 14/09/2015 20:54

Do he did try and keep his marriage together, his wife understandably slung him out. He didn't walk out on his kids, he feels a lot of guilt for the hurt he's caused them.

He wasn't trying very hard during the times he was out sleeping with other women though was he? You accept that he could have done more around the house which is a huge contribution to family life when you have children - instead of taking that time to make things easier for his wife, he left it to her and found someone else to have sex with. I think most people on here will agree that it's hard to feel affectionate with someone who you think is taking the piss when it comes to dealing with the grunt-work of being a family, hard to want to make your love-life exciting when you are the one who is picking up the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning, mental gymnastics of organising everyone and keeping track of who needs to be where and when. She probably didn't feel like rewarding his lack of engagement by using what energy she had left to flounce around in frilly knickers role playing to keep him interested. She probably felt the same as you - that she didn't need to make a huge effort to keep him because he was committed to her and they had kids together and that he valued all that more than a quick shag.

In the time that he was pursuing affairs, he could have been lightening her load, spending time with his children, making more of the relationships that he clearly felt were lacking, but he chose not to. And not just chose not to do that, but to spend his spare time doing something actively damaging to those people that he was claiming to love.

And as for not walking out on his kids - that technicality isn't really anything to be proud of is it? He knew that by cheating on his wife, he was risking breaking up the family unit if she found out, and he did it anyway. He happily took a chance that he would be 'slung out' and not able to live with his children, for the sake of some sex with people that you say he didn't really care about. It's all well and good feeling guilty now, but his wife and children have got 15 years of tainted memories to try and come to terms with, so I doubt that his 'too little, too late' guilt really makes a blind bit of difference to how they feel about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2015 21:01

So I'm guessing he moved straight in with you after she threw him out?

Lweji · 14/09/2015 21:10

Didn't see the bit when they split. So, the cat's out, then.
And the kids were all grown up too.
Did you tell your friend you were the OW? Is that why you posted? You are indeed feeling bad now?

thehypocritesoaf · 14/09/2015 21:33

Oh i see, I was going to say divorces don't take that long.

Still as long as you and he are 'compatible', what's the big deal, right?

Maybe pass that on to your friend.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 14/09/2015 22:11

Alright I fucked up there. I didn't answer the question before because I didn't want the inevitable flaming. Yes I was the OW and I am ashamed to say it and I feel guilty as fuck and it serves me right.

It was no strings fun, no-one was supposed to get hurt. I know it's no excuse now. I've been a total bitch and it will be karma if he does cheat on me.

I felt shame and guilt anyway, seeing my friend in so much pain has made it a 1,000 times worse. I hate knowing we've been the reason another woman feels like my friend does.

I can't put it right, we can't. I do find it so hard knowing my DP has done to his wife what my friend's ex did to her and I love the man who has done just that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 14/09/2015 22:16

Do I will come back to your post tomorrow when I have a bit more time but I do see what you are saying and I can see why his wife could have felt like that. I guess it's easier for me to think their relationship was the problem rather than him being a bastard who should have done more but was too selfish to have done so.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 22:25

The golden rule of being the OW is, whatever foolish things you do, don't become the W. You've seen how bad a person can be without being in harm's way yourself, why would you put yourself in a position where they could and probably would screw you over?

You don't have to let him cheat on you, you can walk away, cleanse yourself of this mess and start anew.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 14/09/2015 22:26

Rabbit he's a workaholic and obviously I've seen first hand how good he is at lying. I'm nearly 20 years younger than him.

I do most of the household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping. But he does pull his weight. I'm not young, I'm certainly not in my 20s and I have had long term relationships but not with anyone separated or divorced.

Lweji we have plenty of kisses and cuddles that don't involve sex.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 22:41

I don't really know what you're hoping to gain from this thread OP. You can't resolve it in your own mind (which is the question you originally asked) because your partner is that man. He's the man who broke his wife's heart. He's the man who convincingly lied to his wife's face for 15 years. He's the man who fucked other women and then came home and pretended he'd been at dull business meetings which over-ran. He's the man who looks for fun and excitement when things are stale at home.

He has lied to his wife's and children's faces for years. Since the age you are, he's lived a lie. And just as he was getting bored of his mindless fucks, you came along. And you swallowed his guff wholesale so he moved out and confessed all his transgressions to you and you've forgiven him because he's 'honest'.

Let me guess - he earns a lot more than you do and you live a very enhanced lifestyle as a result. I bet he drives a really nice car. And you go to lovely restaurants.

How fucking predictable. And I knew you'd been the other woman from the outset of the thread. Because you're so bound up in believing in the fairytale bullshit of your 'relationship'.

Lweji · 14/09/2015 23:04

You realise he's with you because he was dumped by his wife?
That must feel really good.
You were never good enough for him to leave her for you. Just no strings, you were more into him. I bet you still are. Until he gets bored or finds someone else he really wants to be with.

And, frankly,
I do most of the household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping. But he does pull his weight.
He must be lighter than a featherweight if you're doing most of everything and you think he pulls his weight.
Now add two kids and see if you'd feel like having sex with him.

Is this how you see your life developing. Won't you end up feeling you've wasted your best years with him and wish you had met a nice man instead and had his children?

bittapitta · 14/09/2015 23:13

lweli makes my point entirely: He must be lighter than a featherweight if you're doing most of everything and you think he pulls his weight.
Now add two kids and see if you'd feel like having sex with him.

He checked out of the relationship, not her. At least you have each other OP, enjoy the fun. But use contraception and don't have kids with him as he won't lift a finger and you'll be gaslighted into thinking your lack of affection (to do list item number 51) is what caused him to cheat!

Duckdeamon · 14/09/2015 23:22

Even more wtf were/are you thinking? Is he Harrison Ford or Tom Selleck?

Doing housework for him even!

You can do better.

And he is bloody not a good father. Who has told you that he is? Good fathers share time and household jobs, prioritise and spend their time and energy with their families. This one - in addition to being is a workaholic - is a serial adulterer: hardly father of the decade he was shagging around.

Duckdeamon · 14/09/2015 23:24

Don't use feeling guilty about his wife (and DC, although you don't seem to have considered them much - in denial perhaps about the damage his actions caused them?) to justify staying in a relationship with this loser.

thehypocritesoaf · 15/09/2015 06:56

Your keen to look at whether he is a bastard or not.
Maybe look at your own role in this. You saw an older, wealthier(?) married man, he wanted no strings sex with you but to stay married, you stuck it out til his wife found out- woop- you got him- You won him! Well done you. You should be dancing on the rooftops.

YouBastardSockBalls · 15/09/2015 07:06

I've been a total bitch and it will be karma when he does cheat on me.

Fixed that for you.

SevenSeconds · 15/09/2015 07:10

OP, I know you probably won't, but I really hope you dump this guy. Even though I don't know him, imagining him having to do his own cooking and ironing for the first time in his life and no sex on tap is really putting a smile on my face.

unless of course he already has someone lined up to replace you

Morganly · 15/09/2015 07:16

If she hadn't chucked him out you'd just be another one of his notches on the bed post. There's nothing compatible about you except you happened to be the one he was shagging when he got found out.

thehypocritesoaf · 15/09/2015 07:21

Oh I don't believe in karma.

I don't think he will necessarily cheat, if that's the issue, he's getting older, right? He won't be so appealing to women twenty years younger then. And he's sex drive will decrease presumably. And if you can carry on being 'compatible' for as long as possible, you may well be in the clear.

Morganly · 15/09/2015 07:23

Have you read Iwashappy's Unfaithful DH threads? I think you should because it could almost be the mirror of your story.

Fatrascals · 15/09/2015 07:30

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

BathtimeFunkster · 15/09/2015 07:32

That's what I was thinking, Morganly!

Long term cheat, devastated and surprised wife who still had sex with her husband, wanted to stay in the marriage, OW prepared to stick around knowing she was second choice, devastated children, lip service to feeling terrible about things he repeatedly chose.

I've always wondered about (and pitied) that OW and wondered how she justified to herself that she was anything other than a convenient shag that had to become more when he was turfed out of his home against his will.

The answer is - if he doesn't cheat on you it will only be because he is getting on a bit.

He has found someone to look after him in his old age. I hope you enjoy being an old stagger's back up plan.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/09/2015 07:33

Old shagger's back up plan

Fatrascals · 15/09/2015 07:40

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Bakeoffcake · 15/09/2015 07:43

You started this thread asking all about your partner and whether he's a bastard or not, but forgot to mention that you were the OW?Confused

Are you for real?

AndDeepBreath · 15/09/2015 07:50

Oh OP. You just gave me my first laugh out loud moment on Mumsnet.????You poor deluded fool.

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