He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

(Not sure why first confused came out as bemused there. Although I guess that word works ok too!)

And given the life stage he is in be particularly careful that you don't end up being burdened with his end of life care and dealing with all his OW coming out of the woodwork at the funeral.

Offred tis a difference between me believing my fiance was 'justified' in cheating and understanding why he did. The latter yes the former no.

I did feel sorry for her and I still do.

Valentine I need no reassurance. A grain of truth methinks in saying you were all wrong more than likely. Plenty of you claimed he was only with me til someone better came along, he was using me and did not want to marry me. I knew it was bollocks but posters did not believe me I thought his proposal would make some posters believe me. Clearly not.

Offred there are no 'rules' and I do not believe he will change for a second once we are married.

I would not marry him if I believed he would be after NSA with OW after we marry. Clearly I will not convince you on that score so I will not try.

Posters believing you or not is so utterly irrelevant if you are sure of yourself.

That's the point really.

No-one is out to get you on this thread. People think you are making a massive and unnecessary mistake with this guy. People would be happy to be wrong, but nothing you've said offers any reassurance.

I don't agree with you taking the view that getting him to propose is a significant step forward. He values marriage (and women) so far as they service his desires.

He may well believe as you do that you and he are perfect together and for life now and he won't cheat but I don't see any indication that this is a person who is prepared to whether storms or make sacrifices.

I think you have been blinded by the sex TBH and he likely has abusive traits (he certainly is a massive abuser if it is Sid)

I don't get why you "need" posters to "believe you". Surely if you know it's all great that's all that matters. You are so massively insecure! I can't imagine that anybody is going to come on here and congratulate you and wish you well for a happy future...you've ruined too many lives!!

And your othet username is so utterly utterly ridiculous and teenager like... Pfft...

Having back searched your posts in both names I just think you are completely delusional. Lots of posting on other threads hiding the fact that your 'rocky start' and the reason his children have issues with you is because you were a NSA OW for a year before his wife found out and kicked him out...

And I'm even more convinced you are marrying Sid TBH.

You just cannot see the car crash this is. If it is Sid I urge you to remember that he has now been divorced by two wives for his adulterous behaviour... But you think he will be faithful to you?!

And you think his kids should accept you because this is a great romance?

No, whether it is Sid or not he is marrying you because you are willing to marry him and he likes being married. It was timing. You happened to be around and willing to become the next wife when his previous wife dumped him.

You really need to wake up...

What's the whole Sid thing?

Dont I agree you cannot 'affair proof' a marriage. If a spouse wishes to cheat they will do. However I do believe being married to the right person, being compatible and getting each other makes it considerably less likely either will cheat.

I am far from naive but I have never lived with a bloke before. Your good wishes are welcomed and appreciated. Cheers.

Lavender yeah he is divorced would not be engaged if he weren't. Finances all agreed. Access is not needed as his kids are old enough to make their own arrangements with him. I would not say no problems but agreed as much as it can be for now.

Dimots no issues with ED.

MrsC I am not trying to change him.

Tabby his relationship with his youngest is good. I do see her and we get on fairly well after a tad difficult start. He speaks to his eldest regularly (lives miles away) and does see him when he visits home. Their relationship is more difficult but he is working to try and improve it. He did speak to his youngest to check she was accepting of me before he asked me to marry him.

It's another poster whose story of being cheated on bears a striking similarity to this OW story in terms of timings, length of relationships, divorce, children, where they met etc and who named her xh 'sid' and the ow/gf 'flooz'

Sorry, where did I say you were trying to change him?

I haven't read every post in detail just skim read the beginning.....is this guy 60s?

I think you want people to come on this thread and tell you that you'll be OK, that you're both lovely people really who made mistakes but it doesn't matter because you're walking off into a beautiful golden sunshine of happy ever after.

It isn't going to happen:-

(a) you are marrying a man who thinks it's OK to actively look for NSA sex outside of marriage when the going gets 'tough'.

(b) he hasn't addressed 'why' he cheated, just spouted a load of generic shit about no love and affection. I wonder how much love and affection he showed his wife after years of repeatedly cheating on her.

(c) not once, in all those years of cheating did he actually 'leave' his wife. Therefore it probably wasn't that he was miserable with her, just that he liked having 'bits on the side', including you.

(d) he didn't actually leave his wife for you. She kicked him out. You were not his first choice.

(e) marrying you proves nothing. He's been married before and look what he did. He didn't cheat once. He repeatedly cheated. Without his wife knowing, so therefore he is an expert at it. If he does it to you, you will not 'know'.

(f) you have not addressed your own issues as to why you think it's OK to have had several relationships with married men over the years. What happens when this 'honeymoon' period, this teenage-like glow you think your love has, wears off? Because it will. Will he be exciting enough for you?

(g) cheating is an ingrained part of his personality. It's not something he did once, with you, because he loved you. The only person he really loves is himself.

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole unless he goes for counselling to work out why he's been such a selfish, horrible person for almost his whole life. And even then I'd take a long look at it and wonder if it was worth tying myself down to an ageing lothario...

OP no-one's likely to say "oh he's marrying you, it must be serious" when he cheated on his last wife for decades. Look it may or may not work out for you. Your life, your choice.

I agree you cannot 'affair proof' a marriage. If a spouse wishes to cheat they will do. However I do believe being married to the right person, being compatible and getting each other makes it considerably less likely either will cheat.

Load of crap. I'm sure he married his first wife thinking God we're so incompatible and I don't get her at all.

DH and I are bloody great together. He still cheated.

This board is full of posters who say nothing was wrong with their relationship and then, bam, out of the blue their DH has left for someone else.

People in happy relationships do cheat, some get caught, others don't, some repeat it, some don't.

Which one do you think your wonderful man is?

You are incredibly naiive.

What your partner has said to you about his marriage going stale and him trying hard to fix it before he cheated may be the same reason your friends husband has felt the need to cheat your friend. Same problem different people.

I know you have by this stage invested all your hopes and dreams in this man but you know it isn't right and that you just want it to be I think. Hence this thread, hence the coming back to this thread, hence the changing usernames and the only giving parts of the story because you know what people will say if you give the whole one...

Listen to those niggling doubts, please for your own sake. Everything that you have been involved in up until now can't be undone and you have been involved in hurting people but you can avoid being really hurt and having your life sucked up into his shit storm.

Just listen to your own doubts that you are trying so hard to ignore.

There really is no need at all to rush into marriage this quickly.

And if you are with Sid you could do his ex wife a significant favour in letting her know that he was having sex with you for a whole year before he got caught because he's still spinning her some crap about how it was only one time and wasn't proper sex because he used a penis extender so your bits didn't touch...

That you were happy not to have actual sex because he got caught by his first wife when he got an STI and he has not been willing to put his penis in his affair partners in case they were 'dirty' since and that you were understanding about this...

(Really hope it's not Sid tbh, for everyone's sake).

MrsC last sentence of your post at 16.54 yesterday. Reading it again possibly I misread it if so sorry.

Offred I hit post in error. FWIW nowt ridiculous about it. Lyric from a beautiful song we both love and will have at our wedding the title was already taken.

The Sid shit has nowt to do with me. I have lost track of the amount of times I have said it. I have acknowledged it is a similar situation but my fiance is not called Sid and there were a number of other differences too. Ages, marriage details blah blah.

FWIW nowt ridiculous about it. Lyric from a beautiful song we both love and will have at our wedding the title was already taken.

That's why it is ridiculous...

Have you thought how deeply deeply insulting that is to his DC and how horrible it will be for them to watch that ridiculous performance?

Well his daughter anyway... Since his son wants nothing to do with the whole thing fair enough.

Can't you see that the whole thing seems set up to be about proving people wrong? Just think a little about whether that is sensible and how you flaunting what you believe to be a great romance in people's faces will reflect on you in other people's eyes and later on when he cheats on you.

Right ... from reading the thread properly now Offred, I really don't think it's worth getting overly invested in this!

You know that teenage thing where you say "he's no good for you" and they shriek "but daddy I love him!!" ... This is that all over again. Some people just feed off attention and drama - they can't help it, it's sad, but just the way they are deep down.

Good luck op - I'm going to try and hide this thread now.