He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

Tee hee Deep

So when is the happy day ComeDownToMe? Is that your imaginary wedding that no one is going to ? :-)

These poor married men. They are captains of industry, run their own businesses, have jobs possibly manage staff but when it comes to their really sad, sexless, miserable, nagging, boring marriages they don't do anything until some nubile ow comes along. Give me strength!!! Give these poor men some credit! Their marriages are fine! But they have no values or morals or even put their kids first before getting their knob out. Don't worry OP you will be fine as long as you don't nag, become ill, look after kids, work full time or wear jogging bottoms :-)

You feel you'd know if he was cheating on you? Of course you would love, after all it takes one to know one, right?

Do you not think it is setting the bar quite low to decide to marry someone so much older, with his history, who you think is 'a dog' who will cheat if you are not perfect and totally motivated by providing for his every whim and wish and who you think you have to watch for signs of cheating?

Is he that good at sex?

So his wife married for love, expected fidelity and got adultery. Whereas you started with adultery and think you'll therefore get love and fidelity. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh dear OP...this did make me laugh.... I feel I would know if he was cheating. Take it from me, having known my ex for 20 years I didn't have a clue that he was cheating. Worse than that, he'd had an affair with somebody at one of the happiest and most secure points of our marriage who he, and those who knew, described as "Shallow Hal". Lovely! I cannot reiterate enough how normal things were, in every respect and while we were under some considerable stress with our 2 yo being referred for an ASD assessment, there was absolutely nothing that led me to believe he was cheating. I had blind trust you see...!

Of course, looking back, and with what I know now and for how long his affair with OW was going on, how much they deceived absolutely everybody around them, I can see it all as clear as day. At the time...nope, nothing.

I don't understand why you keep posting about this. You are clearly happy and secure and safe in the knowledge that it's all great...I am really not sure what you're looking for? Approval, validation? Why not just go and get on with it?

I feel I would know if he was cheating.

Well, maybe. Or maybe he'll just be doubly careful not to cheat in exactly the same way/places that he cheated with you, because he knows you'll be alert to it.

OP should write a manual for all the deluded women on the planet telling us where we all got it wrong and how she is going to keep the old codger happy ? Maybe a few sex toys ? Do tell, OP...

I hear Lovehoney's good.

Gabilan

I actually love your comment.

You know what, OP, I really am one of those people who knows life isn't black and white and people make mistakes, they can change, etc., etc.,

My DH had an affair for 5 months, I discovered it two years ago after looking at his phone (it made a noise, I checked it, not snooping) and I have forgiven him.

I'm sure if I came on here and posted about how much I love him, how 'perfect' he is, how he is affectionate, supportive and all that stuff I'd face a lot of derision.

But, I don't do it, because I don't need it. I'm happy and secure in the decision I've made. Unlike you, I'm not on here looking for that one poster in a million who's going to tell me my relationship is brilliant (when all the others are saying WTF are you doing) and for the reassurance I have nothing to worry about, like you seem to be here.

The reason:- DH has done everything he possibly could to make amends.

He doesn't come out with shit like, I was bored, there wasn't enough sex, she focused on the kids more than me, I felt ignored.

He went for counselling, changed his behaviour around certain things, admitted to his family what he'd done, encouraged me to tell mine for support, has never run away from his behaviour and blamed me for the crap he's put us through, has stayed for the initial, constant pain, anger, humiliation, the latter grief and sorrow and the questioning of every little detail. He didn't blame our relationship, he blamed himself, totally and utterly.

And he's still here two years later, and I know deeply ashamed of what he did and he would never put me (or him!) through that again.

As for your soon-to-be DH, he hasn't addressed any reasons for why he cheated, he only did it because he wasn't getting enough, allegedly. And, despite the fact he cheated several times on her, it was all his DW's fault. Yeah, right...

Good luck. You'll most probably need it.

Jones...marvellous post my lovely

..and yep, I second Gabilan's post...

Thanks, Jones.

I hope it works out for you. I agree, it's not a case of "once a cheat, always a cheat". However, people do need to understand why they cheated and take responsibility for it, or they won't change.

Thank you Gabilan.

Actually Jones and Gabilan, I do agree with that too...but it would have to be a momentous effort to even consider a reconciliation and I have to have some respect for Jones's DH who, it appears, has done everything he can to make up for what he did. I do hope he addressed the "why" too. I wish I could get an answer to that. My ex-h can't even look at me, literally runs away and I just want to ask him why? I know it wasn't me....

My dh cheated after being together 12 years, he told me about after it had been going on for 8 years (i had no idea). I had a mc around the time it started and he was unhappy, unsupported and left out, not sure how he thought i felt. We had 3 children during this time. He told me about it and asked for forgiveness, we had kids together so we had counselling and he spent months apologising and making amends. I did forgive him but i have never forgotten and every so often i do think about it. We have now been together 39 years (god i'm so old). I did slightly get my own back as the ow worked with husband and was meant to be my friend, i rang her and told her to get checked for chlamydia as i was a sahm at the time and i often had workmen in . She had the test which in those days was very embarrassing and uncomfortable. It wasn't true but i felt good. He hasn't as far as i know ever strayed again and things between us have been good for a long time.

Jones, excellent post

Mrs c, you may never know and by the sounds if it, he doesn't appear to have it in him to realkybanswer that question....perhaps he is just a complete arsehole?

Christina, yes he is a complete arsehole!!

DH has also addressed the 'why' MrsC.

Re. your ex, I genuinely think he's completely incapable of accepting he's acted like the shit he is. It takes a lot of guts for some people to admit they've done wrong.

If he'd admitted that it was all his fault early on, rather than blaming everyone and everything else, and started treating you with even a modicum of respect, I doubt very much he'd be the shell of the 'man' you now describe even if he was still with the OW.

I think once he'd started blaming everything except himself he started almost believing his own press and ultimately it's eaten him up from the inside out and he's now this bitter twisted angry ugly person on the outside as well as inside.

Because deep down a part of him knows he's been a bastard, and knows he's too cowardly to admit it and he will never be truly happy.

I hope that makes some sense. (It probably doesn't!)

Oh and yes, that all makes him a complete arsehole!

Yes, Jones that makes perfect sense. He is still with OW though and indeed turned up this morning in a new car with a private plate with his, hers, her son's and my son's initials. What a twat. Is paying less than £4.00 per day maintenance as I don't "deserve" anymore apparently...never mind our DS. He is as ugly on the inside as he on the outside. I'd hate to be him....

I am really glad that you and and DH have managed to work through all your issues and I sincerely hope you remain happy and secure with eachother

Offred cleary I do get my fiance did not keep his vows before. Going into detail as to why I believe him when he tells me tis different with me would be a waste of time on here. Suffice to say I get what he says.

You have totally misinterpreted my agreement with Naze's post. I agree people do not cheat if they are happy but I do not liken men to dogs.

I do most of the shopping, cooking and cleaning but he does help and he does do some household jobs and plenty of other work around the house.

I do not feel obliged to 'provide' sex. It is cos we both want to. We both have a high sex drive and are very well matched. If illness renders it not possible for a while the circumstances are totally separate to previous circumstances. My fiance is a good bloke and he would not fuck off if I became ill.

I am far from fucking perfect and I am just myself same as I was when I first met him. I have not changed for him nor would I. Some of the comments are so far from the truth as to be laughable.

FWIW he did not slag off his wife to me during our affair. There were a few comments implying he did not get much sex at home. The occasional reference to her going on at him and he will not 'hear the end of it' He made a derogatory comment bout marriage once and nowt else that I remember off the top of my head.

Of course we have discussed his attitude to marriage and I get his explanations and his reasons why he will not cheat on me.

Funnily enough I do have a busy job, hobbies, friends and there is no issue at all.

Tim yeah I am planning on wearing white ironic eh!

If you read my post I said IMO the rules will change when you marry him.

You will then be the wife and not the OW.

You are quite correct that if your desire wanes he won't fuck off, he will want to keep you as the oblivious wife while he has NSA flings with OW. He'll be around being lovely to you as always...

I think a few people are a bit bemused about why you're posting here ComeDown. I'm a bit confused myself. What were/are you hoping for from other Mumsnet users?