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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
janaus · 05/02/2016 11:26

I am also interested in how some men can seem to compartmentalise things. And think someone else will not be affected.

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:28

I don't think that's just men.

The op has done a pretty good job of it TBH.

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:30

It's people who are selfish IMO, they compartmentalise so they can avoid dealing with consequences. They often have beliefs that support the compartmentalisation and aid them exploiting other people for their own ends.

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:34

The op said she thought cheating doesn't hurt if it isn't found out but she wouldn't want to be cheated on even if she didn't know.

That's compartmentalisation there; 'it was ok for him to cheat with me but I wouldn't want him to cheat on me'.

She wants this man at virtually any cost to other people and is deluding herself that she won't get hurt.

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:37

Even the thread title, he has behaved like a bastard but isn't one...

His bad parts are 'over there' she won't see them, hear about them or think about them and if she's made to they are 'not him' but because of his wife failing him... She will only see the good parts which 'are him' and which are what she 'brings out in him' because she is better than his wife and it was his wife that made him cheat by not being good enough, he would never do that to her.

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:56

He somehow managed to convince you op that his wife not hugging him enough when she had small children means he was entirely justified in having repeated secret affairs for 15 years and that she was ultimately the cause.

Somehow you managed to entirely switch off your empathy for her to the extent that you have only realised affairs are hurtful now you've seen someone you care about going through being cheated on.

I have no doubt that is because you want him so much that you are prepared to believe anything.

Valentine2 · 05/02/2016 12:00

See OP. Your post very obviously shows you came here to show off and tell us how wrong we were already. Giving all the details. I am also thinking that it is your way of trying to reassure yourself too.
You come across as a very mean and selfish person after all. Good luck.

tingon · 05/02/2016 12:09

A few us must be thinking hmmm..... wonder if Sid's engaged now.

I really hope not, and this isn't who some of us still believe it to be.

moopymoodle · 05/02/2016 12:17

This is a pointless thread.

Not everyone who cheats goes onto repeat it. Myself and my DH both cheated in previous relationships yet we never would on eachother. Our previous relationships lacked various things which led to the cheating. In hindsight we where young and stupid, nowadays I'd have juSt left.

But then again there are people who cheat when the relationship is fine. They go chasing lust or they just don't give a fuck.

Have a word with your DP, he may have been in an unhappy relationship and dealt with it the wrong way. You won't get your answer on here.

Offred · 05/02/2016 12:22

It totally fits with it being Sid... Fucking hell...

If it is run, run very very fast...

Jeez...

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2016 12:56

Offred and tingon....bingo!!

I can't believe the continuously name changing OP is STILL trying to justify everything. It's becoming bit tiresome now. However, Offred, you have hit the nail on every head as far as I am concerned!

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 05/02/2016 14:46

Public Service Announcement (for OP and Naze):

It is simply not true that, "If they're getting everything they want & need from a relationship, they'd never cheat." If you actually believe this, I suggest you spend 6 months or so working in banking, the law or a large accounting firm. What this sort of thinking presumes is that a long term (say 10 years plus) relationship will never have a period where someone's needs are not getting met. EVERY long term relationship will hit a rough patch, some marriages may need to end, certainly marriage counselling may be in order, but it is only a cheater (and their apologists) who will blame others and their relationship for their choices. And if anyone thinks they can "affair proof" their marriage, well good luck to you. I'm pretty sure that most people who have been cheated on married their spouse with full trust, feeling adored and loved up. None of us are so special that we can avoid life and risk, but the one thing you sure as hell know about someone who has cheated during marriage (no one is really talking about youthful fuck ups) before is that they are higher risk, and for someone who is a serial cheater, an unbelievably high risk. It is a HUGE thing to get to the point where you break your marriage vows, not a simple "mistake". It takes tremendous amounts of deception, compartmentalising, etc, all things that are not, to say the least, highly desirable in a partner.

OP, I can't actually work up much disdain for you. You strike me as incredibly naive for your age and pretty inexperienced when it comes to a long term relationships. I genuinely wish you well. I also think you haven't a clue about what you're dealing with. You are with a serial cheater who has shown no actual remorse or understanding, and who would probably need YEARS of therapy and a huge amount more insight than he or you have shown to change. But this is your journey, your life. Just try not to hurt others from here on out and be a better person than you have been. That's all any of us can do really.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2016 15:00

Very well said dontknow

lavenderhoney · 05/02/2016 15:10

He's divorced now? And the finances sorted out, DC access? All done with no problems?

He's in a hurry isn't he? Has he been worried you're changing your mind? Just because you get married it doesn't mean they love you and commit for ever and ever. It didn't go that way last time he got married did it?

dimots · 05/02/2016 15:48

To be fair, he may well not cheat on the OP. But it will be because they have no children so the OP will give him her full attention at all times AND more crucially he is getting to an age where is will be more difficult to attract young women.

dimots · 05/02/2016 15:52

And then she can congratulate herself for being able to change him and succeeding where his poor wife failed.

BolshierAryaStark · 05/02/2016 16:17

Speaks volumes about you OP when you had to come back & justify the relationship to a bunch of strangers on the Internet.
Look, look, look he actually asked me to marry him even though I kept saying no, see not the bastard you all thought he was, nerr nerr!!

Offred · 05/02/2016 16:20

Meh dimots he will always be able to pay for sex if the willing volunteers dry up. He's halfway there anyway with his NSA flings anyway.

dimots · 05/02/2016 16:45

Maybe as he ages erectile dysfunction will keep him faithful Grin

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2016 16:54

To be fair, he may well not cheat on the OP. But it will be because they have no children so the OP will give him her full attention at all times AND more crucially he is getting to an age where is will be more difficult to attract young women

This is very true. In my ex-h's case, OW is a lot older than him, thus they can't have a baby, but they did get a puppy Hmm, she can't marry him as she would lose her widow's pension (although granted that may change in the future and he LOVES getting married, more fool me for being stupid enough to become wife #2) so instead, she has fed him and plied him with alcohol to the point of serious obesity. Thus my once very handsome, superfit, ripped, teetotal ex is now an absolute mess. Nobody would look twice at him, the clothes he wears are for men way older than his years. OW is exceptionally plain and I can only imagine how insecure she is thus she has ensured that nobody would want him. What a fucked up situation that is...and thank God I don't have to wake up to that in the morning!!

As for being able to "change him"...OP couldn't be more deluded...

Littletabbyocelot · 05/02/2016 17:06

Just out of interest has he sorted his relationship with his children? Can you both guarantee they won't be further hurt by your marriage?

Because if you do, truly feel guilty you can make up for it by now considering how your behaviour impacts others and not excusing hurting people because you love each other, deserve to be happy or need to live your lives.

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 18:00

Not everyone who cheats goes onto repeat it. Myself and my DH both cheated in previous relationships yet we never would on eachother.

Moopymoodle your relationship isn't over until one of you dies. Assuming both of you still aren't that old....you just dont know that neither of you will cheat again.

AndDeepBreath · 05/02/2016 18:56

Oh thank god you're back!

You will keep us all updated more frequently in future, won't you? We've all missed you and so many new posters haven't had the chance to hear about how special your romance is yet.

Perhaps a nice bit every month about how good the sex is? (You forgot that in your latest post) Grin

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 05/02/2016 18:59

So this thread exists cos I was trying to reconcile a totally different question in my own mind. Straight off I stated our relationship is good despite many of you claiming to know better.

Vintage my fiance gets I know him all too well cos of our affair. We both have the belief I would know if he was getting up to his old tricks. His ex and I have gone into a relationship with him from vastly different starting points. I feel I would know if he was cheating.

OP posts:
GlitterGlassEye · 05/02/2016 19:00

You make me feel grubby op. Imagine that an old man who can't give you children wants to marry you. What a love story this is! His kids and wife probably want nothing to do with him hence the proposal. You can be hindered to him for the rest of your days because he gave up everything for you. He has fuck all else.

You win. Not.