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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 05/02/2016 01:21

OP, I think you actually did come back here to tell us about the improvement in your "situation", did nt you?

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 01:24

She did. It is like a child saying "so there".

It may not be an improvement long term either.

Offred · 05/02/2016 07:40

TBF I really think you come across as naive and blinded by love. It's clear to me that you are way more into your DP than he is even capable of being into you.

He's already told you he's a selfish and sex obsessed cheater who went looking for sex on the side because his ex wife 'wouldn't give him enough' after they had kids.

You are mistakenly thinking that him proposing is significant and a sign of commitment, it really really isn't.

He sounds like a man who sees women as sex objects and has sexually abusive tendencies. He also will never love you like you love him.

Marrying him would be a massive mistake.

Babycham1979 · 05/02/2016 07:48

There's a very strange current of thought on MN that seems to think that men are more inclined to have affairs than women. I'm wondering who they're supposed to be having these affairs with?

Unless it's all with the same couple of women (or other man), one would have to assume a pretty even rate of cheating. But no, 'most men want to have affairs and brutally compartmentalise their lives'.

Utterly bonkers.

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 07:55

They maybe arent having affairs with married women. So the woman they are fucking on the side may not be cheating

kekikako · 05/02/2016 08:18

I agree with sothat. Making a huge generalisation that i can in no way support, i would say that women are more prepared to be without a partner than men so there are more unattached women around. Men seem more likely to stick with someone even though they aren't very happy until either they are forced out by the DP or they find someone better. Or this seems to be the trend within the circle of people i know.

teawamutu · 05/02/2016 08:33

Look, he probably cares for you as much as he's capable of caring for anyone who isn't him.

But looking at his track record, this is a man with hidden shallows. You know how seriously he takes marriage because you helped him shit all over his last one.

Offred · 05/02/2016 08:37

I don't think that's the current of thought on MN at all. I think mostly women post about cheating male partners on here and other women share experiences of being cheated on by male partners because this is a part of a site mainly populated by heterosexual women which is about relationship problems.

Several people have said on this thread it's 'people' who cheat not just 'men'.

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2016 08:49

As I said in an earlier post, men are like dogs. If they're getting everything they want & need from a relationship, they'd never cheat. The issue, when a bloke cheats is:
They're normally being spineless & not tackling the real issue, in their existing relationship, so take the easy non confrontational root of an affair. And other women make it so easy & really don't give a shit about who they're hurting. Men who are getting all they need both emotionally & sexually, never stray. I'm bound to get dogs abuse about that but, it's true

tingon · 05/02/2016 08:54

TheNaze Not true.

Babycham1979 · 05/02/2016 08:59

Offred, the two posters before you have already proven you wrong! Somehow, they believe in a statistical anomaly that, despite a sex ration of 0.98, there are somehow more men in heterosexual relationships with women than vice versa!

How the hell does that work then!? To be possible, there woudl have to be a large minority of polyamorous women out there. It's pure nonsense!

Offred · 05/02/2016 09:01

Two posters don't make a "current of thought"

Babycham1979 · 05/02/2016 09:12

Two posters in immediate succession on a 26 page thread, with many similar previous posts. Seems it to me.

Offred · 05/02/2016 09:14

Two posters replying to your post.

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 09:15

Men seem more likely to stick with someone even though they aren't very happy until either they are forced out by the DP or they find someone better.

That is true kekikako I've seen that with men I have dated and with others I know of.

Men are much more likely to hedge their bets. The ones I have been involved with dont end one set up (even one they arent that happy with) until they have another lined up.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 05/02/2016 09:26

Offred you are wrong. My fiance and I discussed marriage at his instigation. I told him I would rather stay as we are than get married purely cos he thought we should. I said I found it sad when people talked about marriage in derogatory terms when they were married - he made such a comment bout marriage while he was with his ex. I said to me a marriage should not be like that. I said there was no point in him making vows to be faithful when his history proved he could not stick to them. I told him I did not want us to get married if he would not keep his promises and he had to be honest with himself.

He so knew my thoughts on marriage and we would have been fine just living together. But he wants to marry me and when he then proposed to me he told me he would not be proposing to me with all we have talked about if he could not keep his vows.

He went to a lot of effort to make his proposal special to us. Proposed in our favourite place and even went down on 1 knee. Had booked a surprise weekend away for us that day to celebrate.

He does lots of things which show how much he loves and cares for me and I have no reason to doubt he loves me as much as I do him. If you saw him with me you would believe me.

Naze I agree with you cheers.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 09:45

And you are so sure of him ....this thread exists. To justify to strangers how it is all fine and dandy.

People who are secure in the knowledge DO NOT need to justify to strangers.

TheWordOfBagheera · 05/02/2016 09:53

Naze that's surely applicable to all people, not just men.

You're essentially saying people who are in happy fulfilling relationships don't cheat, which is ridiculously obvious. But people who aren't in happy, fulfilling relationships (i.e. miserable and lonely and relationships) don't necessarily cheat; plenty end the relationship! Those are the people who are worth being in a relationship with.

dimots · 05/02/2016 10:11

There's a very strange current of thought on MN that seems to think that men are more inclined to have affairs than women. I'm wondering who they're supposed to be having these affairs with?

I have known several single women who have affairs with one married man after another. There does seem to be a certain type of woman who is attracted to unavailable men. She is either the type who purposely does not want a partner and backs off rapidly if the man suggests leaving his wife or she is the type who seems to get heartbroken over and over again. So yes there could be fewer women sleeping with MM than there are MM cheating.

Men who get involved with married women seem much more like the first type of woman above. They very rarely seem to end up heartbroken. But there seem to be fewer of these men than of comparable women, men on the whole seem very reluctant to share a partner with another man unless it is a ONS or fuck buddy arrangement.

VintageTrouble · 05/02/2016 10:18

But marriage means nothing to him does it? Except to make his wife feel comfortable and secure and believe him less likely to cheat.

Sometimes people marry the wrong person, and sometimes the OW or OM is the right woman/man.

This chap just likes having a shag on the side, and did so for nearly 2 decades. You will NEVER know if he is being faithful to you because his last DW didn't did she?

Offred · 05/02/2016 10:46

Look he was perfectly capable of keeping his vows the first time around.

He chose not to and he has told you he will choose not to again if you give him reason to.

Men who have issues with women often want to get married, they often make a huge amount of effort to convince a woman to marry them and then they still blame the woman for their cheating.

Your marriage will never be one of equals if you are going into it feeling your DP is 'a dog' as naze describes.

You are already playing the good wifey doing all the housework and providing lots of sex.

At the moment you want to but what about when you don't/can't?

Everything he has said to you is coercing you into 'being perfect' you must want sex all the time or he will cheat. Even someone who has a high libido (as I do) has times when they are off sex.

Stop focusing on how much effort he is putting into convincing you and look at the things he has said and done regarding his attitudes to marriage.

You were an OW for half your relationship.

It is entirely unsurprising that he would try and marry you now his wife has dumped him for his decades long cheating.

He likes the status and comfort of marriage, he's realised that no matter what you say to him marrying him is your goal and as soon as you give him reason to by not being great at cooking/cleaning or available for sex or being unhappy with him or even if you are absolutely perfect, he will cheat on you and tell the succession of OW all about your faults as a wife and how he didn't want to cheat because he is honourable really it's just so difficult to live with you...

I think you have an astounding lack of empathy too if it has taken seeing your friend go through being cheated on to realise that it is hurtful behaviour.

timwonnacotsbowtie · 05/02/2016 10:57

Bearing in mind that I am basing this on my own experience, and so it is obviously not 'scientific' - in my large circle of friends & acquaintances I know of over 20 men (I stopped counting once I reached 20, it got depressing) who have cheated and have been kicked out by their wives. I don't know one man who has left his wife simply because he was unhappy with their sex life, lack of attention, etc.

On the other hand I know 12 women who have left their husbands because they were unhappy/the marriage wasn't working and only 1 who cheated and was divorced by her husband.

IME men stay and cheat behind their partner's back because 'Anything for an easy life.'

But then I am at the bitter stage of my life where I wouldn't trust any man as far as I could throw him. preferably with a catapult into a lake of sharks

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials OP, I hope you're not planning on wearing white...

Offred · 05/02/2016 11:05

If he was honest with himself and honest with you he would see that what he likes is to have several women who perform various services for him.

He may well think that with you he has found the jackpot (as you seem to) - a woman who will provide sex on demand regardless of her own feelings and will also make a comfortable home for him but that is simply not sustainable.

People have their own needs and their own life experiences and they cannot provide everything all the time forever for their partners.

He will realise this at some point and you will be allocated the 'comfortable home' role as it is easier to get a woman providing a home when she is unhappy with that role than get her to provide affection or sex that she doesn't want to.

He will then feel you have failed him after all he thought you would be and he will go looking for replacements to service the sexual role.

You'd better never be ill, never be unhappy with him, never get pregnant, never go through the menopause, never have a job that distracts you from him, never have a hobby that distracts you from him after you are married because his rules for you will have changed...

Babycham1979 · 05/02/2016 11:06

timwonnacotsbowtie, that's satistically incredible! Who are all these men having affairs with? The same woman?

timwonnacotsbowtie · 05/02/2016 11:14

Nope, Babycham different women, although the one woman I mentioned who cheated was cheating with one of the men I mentioned!

Disclaimer - I did work in a very big office with loads of people, but everyone knew everyone else's business, it was exhausting.

Actually, I tell a lie, one (single) woman did sleep with 3 different (married) men, I think she thrived off the drama.