Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 29/09/2015 23:19

Thanks iwashappy ... I hope you're happy again properly and soon. There are some horrid people out there and I've said from early on that if the OP actually had any compassion or real guilt they wouldn't post like this, especially on Mumsnet.

However, whoever they are and whatever the motives, they clearly don't give a flying fuck about anyone's needs but but their own. I sadly think they'll be delighted by your attention.

Anyway, Blood has done as well as anyone can in responding kindly. Maybe let this thread die now OP? Since you feel so much for other women now?

Fontella · 29/09/2015 23:47

Iwas don't lower yourself to the level of the person who started and feeds this thread.

Not all is at it seems here and you, all of us, are best to steer a wide berth.

I would never have responded to it .. but having seen you post in your usual open trusting way, I had to.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/09/2015 23:52

Iwas...sending you love and hugs darling, we all know your pain Flowers. Yes, OP OW, please let this thread die, you have no inkling at what people like you do to people like us...or our children. Foul.

iwashappy · 30/09/2015 00:18

Thank you everyone. OP if you do actually feel guilty then posting on here is not a good idea. There is nothing you can say that will justify your actions.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2015 01:29

I hope he has learnt from fucking his life up

Wow... you can't believe he thinks his life is fucked up! He has landed on his feet. He has little responsibility, he gets to have amazing sex frequently, he doesn't have to raise his kids, he has no real ties to you, he has no ties to his family...(i.e maintenance), he isn't rushing his divorce so can hold you off re marriage for years, yet...

Only lives that were fucked here are his wife's & his kids.

It's insulting that you think his life is fucked up, in all honesty.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 03/10/2015 11:29

Blood I meant the not liking organising things and preferring to follow as examples of me not being controlling rather than not selfish but omitted to say it.

I appreciate you and others taking the time to post in the manner you have but it is clear most posters would prefer I left the thread so I will do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 03/10/2015 11:37

Fontella and others as I have said before I am entirely real. This is not a troll thread. I am the OW and I didn't intend to cause any upset by posting on here. I do feel bad about what I have done and I do struggle with what my DP has done to his wife which was brought home to me by seeing my friend go through it.

Your insinuation I have made this up is offensive.

Happy if reading this thread has upset you I am sorry. As I said earlier I am not the OW in your circumstances but I can see if they are similar it must have been upsetting for you thinking I could be your OW.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 03/10/2015 11:47

OH MY GOD, GO. Go and think about what sort of person bothers to come back to have the final word and say they are deigning to leave a thread that's become as bravely vulnerable as this to make a minor corrective (and inaccurate) point ABOUT NOT BEING CONTROLLING. NOT. BEING. CONTROLLING.

FUCk. ME.

If you are troll, congratulations on pushing me to capitals. If you're not, commiserations on your personality.

Fuck. Me.

Starkswillriseagain · 03/10/2015 17:47

Blood Wine, much more palatable and less likely to fucking wind up then this. I'll join you Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine

AndDeepBreath · 03/10/2015 17:50

Oh Blood GrinThanksWine

spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 09:45

The big problem that she has is that she will always be the OW.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 04/02/2016 19:17

Look to be clear I am not resurrecting my thread. I want to put the OW thing in the past.

Twas reading another thread where OP is being told her DP does not give a fuck about her reminds me of this thread.

Many of you said my DP was using me he was only with me til another woman came along. He was not divorced cos he did not want to marry me blah blah.

DP is now divorced he proposed last month we have set a date and booked the venue. All at his instigation.

I am not looking for congratulations or to gloat. It was hurtful being told over and over my DP could not possibly love me and want a future with me when I knew he did. Perhaps now you might believe me.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 04/02/2016 19:47

Ignore them all OP. My dh is my dh as the result of an affair. He actually WAS really unhappy in his marriage. His wife ACTUALLY didn't understand him ... We have been deliriously, happily married for 14 yrs... Sometimes it really is about being with the wrong/right reason.

tingon · 04/02/2016 19:54

Look to be clear I am not resurrecting my thread

Yes you are...... Now why would you do that I wonder?

Oswin · 04/02/2016 20:05

Marilyn he couldn't have ended the relationship instead of cheating.
Was he that weak?
I could never trust a cheater. Not even as a friend. If they haven't got enough of a back bone to end a relationship before sticking it elsewhere, just stands out as a crap person.

Offred · 04/02/2016 20:07

But if he cheated on his first wife then what does marriage really mean to him?

I don't think it means the same as it means to you otherwise you wouldn't be swanning around crowing that you've got him to commit...

SoThatHappened · 04/02/2016 20:12

Marilyn and OP....if he was that unhappy in his marriage, he would have dumped his wife instead of fucking you and going home and fucking his wife too.

Same goes for the OP.

Maybe their wives caught them and slung them out so they got stuck with you.

If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Marriage means nothing to them and if they dont end a relationship they are unhappy with, you wont know they are unhappy with you either. They will just go out and stick it in someone else and feed them a sob story.

tingon · 04/02/2016 20:17

Marilyn not sure how you've been deliriously happily married for 14 years when, according to you, he left his wife 10 years ago.

Perhaps your memory's not all that.

teawamutu · 04/02/2016 20:29

"If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Marriage means nothing to them and if they dont end a relationship they are unhappy with, you wont know they are unhappy with you either. They will just go out and stick it in someone else and feed them a sob story."

THIS

AyeAmarok · 04/02/2016 20:49

Sounds like such a fairy tale.

Best of luck.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 04/02/2016 21:10

Think you are made for each other

Fratelli · 04/02/2016 21:29

Well op all I can say is I truly wish a lifetime of happiness to your dps ex wife.

BolshierAryaStark · 04/02/2016 22:04

Yep, what Fratelli said

BigJockButMoreWeeThanBigBigJoc · 04/02/2016 22:33

Just remember, don't change and give him 'reason' to cheat and never check his phone…

SoThatHappened · 04/02/2016 23:16

Just remember, don't change and give him 'reason' to cheat and never check his phone…

Yeah. Be the perfect "wifey" (meant ironically), dont be like his nasty ex wife who never made him happy and doesn't understand him and never do anything to make him cheat. It will be your fault too you know.

Good luck to his ex wife, I hope she finally gets some happiness now she has divorced that piece of shit.