He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

I thought my DP was different. Even though he was married and being inappropriate with me before we did anything. It seems really stupid looking back but I thought we got together because we really liked each other.

I quickly realised he wasn't any different but I was in love with him by then.

Now I can't differentiate between what my DP and my friend's ex have done. Yet I view them so differently which is fucking wrong.

I can't undo anything I have done in my life and nor can my DP. But I have to learn to deal with it and I don't know how to.

You had an affair with a married man for ten years! Come on! If you can do that, you can get over this, surely?

Of course his wife changed - she had children to care for. Their wellbeing became her priority. Shame it wasn't her husband's priority too.

Maybe if her husband hadn't been chasing women like you, her life would have been easier and better and those kids would still have a happy home life and both parents with them everyday.

You have had a hand in that, so don't sit there and blithely say you can see why he cheated.

Often it's total bollocks that there was anything wrong with the marriage. Some people cheat just because they want to!

Oh and everyone thinks their dp is different. The scales really fall from your eyes when you realise they are the same pathetic, weak liars as everyone else's cheating partner!

What is the justification of your friend's ex? Given their marriage was good in her eyes, does he tout the same lines your DP does? Has he admitted all responsibility or have the classics coem out:

Not enough/no sex
No fun
She's changed
She's et herself go

etc etc

You have to play the cards you've dealt yourself now. Either you stay with him and be ready for the worst knowing that if you let yourself go and life throws up difficulties then he'll be shagging someone else. Or you find someone completely new to love and trust who hasn't this sordid backstory.

But then that relies on them trusting you with your back story, so perhaps better the devil you know.

What do you want? What does your friend want to do? Get back with her ex or kick him out?

Her ex said his affair didn't mean nowt and it was just sex. He's not with the OW any longer.

Both of those things are also true of the man you are shacked up with.

He just used you for sex.

He presumably told his wife that (quite truthfully) after she found out.

He only went back to you after she kicked him out and then by some crazy cosmic miracle he suddenly realised he loved you and you weren't just another deserve state piece of skirt.

Maybe if her husband hadn't been chasing women like you, her life would have been easier and better and those kids would still have a happy home life and both parents with them everyday.

Cheers, why the fuck do you think I feel guilty!

Yeah ultimately you're right. He did cheat because he wanted to. Perhaps there are men who cheat who are happily married. A drunken ONS or a 1 off instantly regretted and never to be repeated.

But I don't think any man who is happily married cheats over many years with different women. I can't fathom being happy and cheating over and over. So I do believe my DP wasn't happily married, clearly not unhappily enough to have chosen to leave her but marriage is more than the 2 partners and I think he looked at the bigger picture.

Starks yeah usual cliches from my friend's ex and I know my DP is no different there.

I have no intention of leaving my DP, we are good together and I have no reason to leave. You run the risk of being cheated on no matter who your DP is. I know my DP's track record is pretty fucking awful but he's very happy with me and has zero reason to stray.

I want my life as it is but I need to learn to live with the guilt and reconcile what we have done with my morals. I do have morals before you all claim otherwise. I want his family to stop hurting.

My friend and her ex are over for good.

I do have morals before you all claim otherwise. I want his family to stop hurting.
Just a shame you didn't want them not to get hurt before. It's mind blowing that you really didn't think they might find out and be hurt. That by spending time with you he was not spending it with his family.
Oh, well, but you want them to stop hurting. Convenient for you.

Yeah I did have a lengthy affair but his wife never found out and still doesn't know so it is entirely different.

I am not excusing it but there were no consequences and no hurt.

You have no idea what happened in his home and how the affair affected his relationship.

Lweji I honestly never thought for a second they would get hurt. I had gotten away with it for too long perhaps.

That's the problem with lies.

You'd better start saving for the Botox and plastic surgery now OP. Once the wrinkles appear and the boobs sag you'll be on your way out. I take it you're not planning on having children with this prize, after all, if you put your attention onto them and not your partner then the poor didums will have to look elsewhere. You mentioned men compartmentalising things while your doing exactly the same yourself. I'm sorry OP but your going to get your eyes opened, in the future, as to the harm that an affair causes.

But I don't think any man who is happily married cheats over many years with different women.

Some men (for example the one who is bogging you currently) like being married AND like having a bit on the side.

He wanted to stay in his marriage because it suited him and he was happy.

That was his preference over being with you.

Of course he's going to say that he's happy his wife didn't do as he begged and pleaded and that his second-choice life with you is actually just what he wanted.

But everyone - him, you, his wife, his children, his friends, your friends, the people who gossip about you.

They ALL know that you are the consolation prize. That he didn't choose you. That he didn't love you enough to leave his marriage.

The "big picture" is that you were a less attractive option than his marriage.

And given that his children are almost grown, only an idiot would think that was for any other reason than that he loved his wife (still loves her, no doubt) more than he loves you.

Of course he's going to give you all the lines about how it all worked out for the best, blah blah blah.

He has had a lifetime's to practise lying to foolish gullible women so he can get them to give him sex and housework.

You clearly don't feel guilty enough to do anything differently to what you are already doing. I can't see the point of this thread - you aren't going to leave him and the damage is done as regards his wife and kids.

Did you just want us all to pat you on the back and say 'there, there, of course it's not your fault and of course your dp is different to your friend's dh and of course he'd never do that you and of course his wife had it coming cos she 'changed'. No, love, not happening!

Do what you want, you both seem to be good at that. Maybe he'll cheat on you and maybe he won't. But you know deep down he's not the prize you thought he was.

What you said about people on happy marriages not cheating, concerns me.

No one is happy 24/7. Life is stressful, relationships have their ups and downs. Rough patches are normal. Do you think his wife was happy all of time? Even if she'd bern married to a nice bloke she probably would have felt discontent at times. I think that happens. But decent people don't feel entitled to console themselves with extra marital shags. So I think the whole 'the maariage was unhappy' thing is a red herring. Really unhappy people get divorced - they don't wait until they get caught and thrown out

You just won't get what you want from this thread, ComeDown.

I just had a quick look on Amazon, and can see there are some books on there about dealing with guilt. Maybe they will be helpful?

I mean, what's done is done. You can't go back and change the past. Splitting with your partner now won't change things for his wife and children. You just need to learn to move on in your life. I'm not sure how you do that, though.

I do think you need to take on board the comments about your DP, though. You are so sure he loves you, blah, blah, blah. But you know he has been serially unfaithful, so it will always be hard for you to trust him.

And whatever he says now, you were his second choice.

I don't know if I could live with either of those two things.

But you don't have morals, do you? Because if you did you wouldn't have slept with/had affairs with not just one married man.

And I'm amazed that you can quite happily call your friend's ex-DH a cunt, but don't like the word being applied to you, when you've behaved in exactly the same way!

You are deluded and totally, completely self-absorbed and selfish.

Even talking about your guilt makes it clear how selfish you are - you just want it go go away so you don't actually have to be bothered by it.

I'm left wondering exactly who you are and why you're here/have started this thread.

My friend and her ex are over for good.

Good. There is a sensible woman.

You always run the risk of being cheated on but try likening it to speeding. If someone has a big habit of speeding when there's nothing much fun going on in his life and speeding has always been easy for him to get away with- he even got caught doing it one time and got off with a consolation prize. Would you trust him driving your car? Would you really think he's suddenly changed and won't speed?

As opposed to someone who has never speeded before.

You always run the risk of cheating but the odds stack in the favour of him cheating if he has previous and still makes excuses.

Yeah but this is a really old car- give him five years and he won't be passing his mot - and then the desperate op will be checking out all the married men again, right op?

Yeah but this is a really old car- give him five years and he won't be passing his mot

Yes very true, though by that point things could be boring and stressful so I expect he'll at least try a thorough servicing first :)

Op I was going to ask why on earth have you settled for an old cheat. Then I read you were the ow. You are probably aware then that only around one per cent of affairs develop into a long term relationship.

Your friend must also be really struggling with her feelings towards you. If she didn't previously grasp the full horror of your intrusion into another woman's marriage, she does now. She probably hates the ow. I wonder how she feels about you now.

Splitting with your partner now won't change things for his wife and children.

No, it would.

They could probably all be amicably parted if the poison that is his latest OW wasn't around as a constant reminder of what a shit he was and how badly he treated them all so he could have some meaningless sex.

The children's relationship with their father would be a lot easier and closer if he wasn't living with a woman they hate and will never accept.

Once he's done punishing his wife for kicking him out, he'll see that a different woman, who wasn't involved in breaking up his family, will give him back the life he wants with his children.

You are really starting to annoy me now. You come onto a forum that is well known for helping women who have been cheated on, you have been told to read some of the stories here from said women, you have been told some on this thread. The opinion here is almost unanimous, which hardly ever happens on MN ...

Yet you still fucking insist that your dp is different, your dp wasn't happy, your dp didn't mean to hurt her, you didn't meant to hurt her, you are happy, your dp has no reason to leave you, over and over and over and over a-fucking-gain!!!

It's insulting & shows a lack of respect to those who have shared with you here, it is insulting to his wife & it is insulting to your friend.

Your dp is NOT different. Yes, he has told he wasn't happy, but has he told you
how he begged her to forgive him?
how he swore it was "only sex" and "meant nothing" with you?
how you pursued him and "made" it happen?
how you made all the moves?
how he promised to dump you, delete your numbers & never see you again?
how he swore he loved her & only her?
how he cried & pleaded for her to allow him to stay?

No, of course he hasn't (but you can bet your last $ that he did exactly that, because they all do), because he knew that if he did, you would run a mile. You have never been his first choice op, except for now, by default, because the man cannot do without sex.

This isn't about his wife changing, this is about him wanting to have sex with as many women who would allow him to, while believing his lies.

He isn't different to your friend's dp. You need to believe he is, because without that belief you will see that you are a mere stop gap.

You say you want help to overcome your guilt, but you don't...you want us to tall you that your d is better than your friend's, you want us to say that you are better than the woman your friend's dp slept with, but you aren't.

Your posts aren't about your friend, or your guilt (although you do throw that around a lot) or how to hep your friend, your posts are about you, and how fucking perfect you think your life is.

As I said, highly insulting & disrespectful! I think you should go away now. You will not get what you want here, and rightly so.